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Everything has changed

Hello friends! I hope you’re all well on your journeys. I’ve returned from the dead to bring the amazing news that we are parents! You can read the full story on my other blog, http://www.babyiwagoshi.wordpress.com. We are in heaven! (sleepy, poppy heaven!)

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Strange thoughts

Hello, long time no talk! I’ve been blogging over at www[dot]bringinghomebabyiwagoshi[dot]wordpress[dot]com but it’s a family friendly blog that we’ve shared with basically everyone we know so there are a lot of things I won’t talk about there. That’s why I’ve still kept this blog, which The Husband still doesn’t know about. As I always have to mention, if you comment on the adoption blog, please don’t mention this blog.

Anyway, we are working through the adoption process and have our intake interview scheduled in about a week. Pretty exciting stuff. I’ve noticed something really strange has happened. Not only have I totally stopped tracking ovulation or wondering if I’m pregnant, but I was actually worried that I was pregnant when my period was a couple days late. This is so irrational and weird. The Husband and I had decided that we wouldn’t prevent pregnancy until we actually get picked by a birth mother, since at that point we’ll be committed to this person and want to follow through. But these were the thoughts I was having as I realized nothing was going on downstairs:

1. If I get pregnant now, everyone will say “see, you stopped trying and it finally happened” and that would be embarrassing and perpetuating that lame stereotype.
2. I am actually really excited about adopting and want to do it. I would be disappointed if we don’t.
3. We’ve already spent over $1,000 on adoption stuff and I don’t want all that to go to waste

I was actually hoping to get my period. How fucked up is that?! I know you all want to punch me in my face right now, and I don’t blame you. Don’t worry, I did get my period, I’m not pregnant. I’m not going to be some jerk saying “I know I tried for like two years but now I want to adopt, wahhhh.”

On the plus side, I know that I really am excited about adoption. This really is what I want. I shit you not friends, I am SO EXCITED to be a mom by adoption. I am so excited about OPEN adoption and having a relationship with the birth parents of my child. The Husband is excited too. He is from a very small family and all his extended family lives in Colorado so he grew up with just him, his mom and parents on holidays. He thinks about us having big birthday and holiday celebrations with all our child’s birth family and he is excited to have that big extended family he never experienced.

I’m not delusional though, and I know the desire to experience pregnancy and have a bio kid will never go away. Right now there is so much going on that those thoughts get pushed aside and it’s easy to think I’m “cured” of the pain of my infertility. I know once we’re in the waiting pool and the newness wears off it will creep back in. But right now I am just feeling fucking fabulous and ready for the future. I will enjoy it while it lasts!

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Rant

Fair warning: this will be ranty and negative and offensive to people of faith. Read on if you dare.

Today I logged in to Facebook to check out pictures from a friend’s wedding. What was the very first thing I saw? A picture of 5 sets of footprints in the Hawaii sand, labeled “1987, 1988, 2009, 2012, 2014” with the caption “God is so good.” A pregnancy announcement from some very Christian friends (well, sort of friends, we haven’t seen them in close to a year) who already have two kids and had said they probably wouldn’t have more. The last time we saw them we had been trying for maybe like 6 or 8 months I think and the wife and I talked about how frustrating that must be. She had her first at 20 and with both she got pregnant immediately, the first month they tried. They had said they were done having kids “unless God decides to bless us again.” I have no idea what exactly that meant, that they were using some kind of prevention but maybe God would have it fail, or they just weren’t actively trying. When I talked to her she mentioned that when they were trying they would just have sex every single day, so obviously she had no knowledge or understanding of her cycle and when she’s fertile, so I doubt they were doing the rhythm method. All I know is when I saw that picture, and that caption, “God is so good,” what I read was “if you believed in God like us you would have a baby” and I wanted to punch her in her stupid fucking pregnant face. OBVIOUSLY there are hundreds, thousands, holy shit huge numbers of women and bloggers who are religious as fuck and also infertile as fuck (Waiting for Baby Bird comes to mind) and for me to think that the thought might even CROSS HER MIND that if we “had faith” we would have a baby is INFURIATING. The post just made me so angry. It’s so unfair that she has three kids and I have none. That she thinks God has shit to do with the contents of her uterus. I am an Athiest, and I honestly don’t give a crap about God or faith or any of that, something is wrong with me and/or my husband and we will not have biological children, and God has nothing to do with that. Okay, end rant on Christians. Sorry for offending you, but you had warning.

We have posted about 5 times on our new blog (www[.]babyiwagoshi[.]wordpress[.]com, please don’t talk about or link back to this blog on it) that is about our adoption process. The first post was kind of a “how we got to here” summary, the second was about the terminology of adoption and Respectful Adoption Language (ie we say “birthmother” not “real mother”), and was prefaced with a big chunk of bolded text saying that we know people have said things to us that might not be the most PC and we are still learning too, so don’t feel bad if you’ve said any of these things. The next one was “what will happen next” and was a big long summary of what our next steps are and the adoption process in general, then my husband posted a short post thanking everyone for their support. The last one was a video that has gone viral called “if you wouldn’t say it about a boob job, don’t say it about an adoption” which is hilarious. So overall, it’s mostly just been a lot of information about what has happened and what will happen next. So after I posted that video I texted one of my best friends (with the baby) and asked if she’d seen it, so she went to watch it. I think the video is really funny and I was really expecting her to just say “lol,” but instead she said that she feels like the blog so far is focused on all the stupid things people will say to us and it makes her feel like she’s walking on eggshells and will say the wrong thing at any moment. I was floored.

She and I talked on the phone the other night for like 2.5 hours, which is unheard of. Normally we just text here and there and then visit every other month, but work has been so crazy we’ve barely talked and I wanted to catch up. She has been struggling with being a new mom and running a business and I just listened and talked for probably over the first hour about what’s going on with her and how she’s feeling and tried to not give any advice because I don’t know the first thing about being a mom. I was careful not to shift the conversation to myself or talk about my infertility or adoption issues; I wanted to make sure she had a chance to vent and felt supported. Eventually we did shift to what’s going on with me and I told her all about what’s been happening, and did share a couple things related to people saying stupid shit. For instance my mom recapping the plot of a movie about someone who had been adopted and went to look for their “real parents” and I snapped at her that she can’t say “real parents,” that’s like the worst adoption faux pas there is. I also talked about how when I told my dad we are going to adopt he shared some anecdote about how he has had three friends who adopted and then their wife got pregnant right after, and how the number one most common thing people say to us after we tell them we are going to adopt is “well now you’ll definitely get pregnant, that happens all the time!” She said her mom had actually said that to her about me too. I ranted about some things, I was honest about things, because that is what you do with your best friends. So when she read the blog and told me that I am being negative and focusing on dumb things people will say, I felt betrayed. Like I trusted her to share all my frustrations and she threw it back in my face and judged me. After I thought about it for a while, and read through the blog again and asked another friend for her opinion, I think she’s wrong about the blog (tell me if you disagree, please). Only in the post that was specifically about language (that had the disclaimer) and the video, which we just shared, didn’t create, had absolutely any mention of what not to say and ignorant comments people make. The huge amount of other text made no mention. So I don’t think it was the blog that made her feel that way, I think it was talking to me that made her feel that way. And now I feel like I can’t talk to her. She also said in her text “I feel like it’s the same with the infertility [the walking on eggshells afraid you’ll say something wrong], people say stupid shit to pregnant women and new moms all the time, you just don’t take it personally and move on”

This makes me sad and angry for so many reasons. First and foremost, I have tried so hard and been so careful to be supportive of her in adjusting to being a mom and all the stresses she has in her life. Me, who can’t have a baby, who has to wait months and maybe years, and run the gauntlet that is the adoption process, who’s heart hurts when I see pregnancy announcements and her gushy blog posts about how much she loves her baby. I try so hard to be there for her and be supportive, not to judge or offer unsolicited advice because that’s what friends do. I don’t know if I am doing a good job at it but I am fucking trying. I listen to her talk about how hard it is and how frustrated she gets and how she sometimes needs to just leave the baby with her husband and walk away because it’s so hard, and I don’t say “fuck you, at least you have a baby!” But when I share with her MY frustrations about not having a child and what I have to do to have one, and how hard that is, I get her telling me I’m focusing on the negative and making her uncomfortable.

How the fuck is this fair?

I was very diplomatic in my response and told her that I don’t feel the blog is focusing on negative things, though we know we will have people make stupid comments, and that I’m sorry she is feeling that way. She never responded and then a couple days later we made plans for her and her daughter to come down and see me (they live 2.5 hours away) in a few weeks. I think maybe that was her olive branch, because it’s hard for her to come visit with the baby. I’m glad that I didn’t lash out at her and get defensive, and I plan to talk to her about this again and share with her that I need her to be my sounding board if I am to be hers. Maybe she already realized that she was being unfair and holding my innermost thoughts against me when I trusted her. But maybe not. I know that she wants to be a good friend and not hurt me, but it’s a difficult situation to navigate.

What makes it worse is that The Husband always gets mad when I share this type of thing with him and says that she doesn’t understand and she is not a good friend. Classic husband move to just write her off and offer advice when I didn’t ask for it! She really has been very supportive, but it’s true that she doesn’t understand. She CAN’T understand. No one can if they haven’t been here. But she does try, she just misses the mark sometimes. This is a relationship I’m willing to work hard at so I just have to be honest with her and let her know how I’m feeling.

But the real point of all this is; fuck that pregnant bitch.

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Moving On, Moving Forward

I have fully disappeared, friends, and I’m so sorry! I haven’t been posting, I haven’t been reading, I haven’t been commenting. A lot has been happening for me. I have a new position at work that is much more demanding (which means no blogging during my lunch hour, as I hardly have one anymore), and we have officially decided to adopt and selected an agency. I feel really excited for the next steps and getting off the IF roller coaster. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. My period started today and I don’t even care. THAT is something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Though I still care so much about everyone I’ve come to know through their blogs, I am just not in a place where I am super interested in DPO, IUI, IVF and the like. Not that I don’t care (I do!) but that I have other things to focus on, and I am loving not caring so much about things like this. I am loving that they don’t run my life anymore. I fully intend on coming back to find out what is going on for everyone and keeping up on things, but for now I am taking a break from it, and from blogging. Not to mention that since I am moving to a different path to parenthood, I will probably be seeking out other bloggers on the same path. I also started a new blog (this time with the full knowledge and participation of my husband) about our adoption journey. This one is for friends and family to read and find out what we’re going through and what the process looks like. It is not a place where I will vent when someone tells me that “now that you’re adopting, you’ll probably get pregnant!” (let me tell you, literally every single person on earth from my boss to my dad has said this), so I will still keep this blog as my sacred private space.

If you would like to keep up with that process, the new blog can be found at www[dot]babyiwagoshi[dot]wordpress[dot]com. I just ask that you don’t mention or link back to this blog, as my husband still doesn’t know it exists and I would hate for anyone I know to wind up over here. Feel free to comment, though.

In short, I am still here, and I will be back and more active I’m sure, especially during what will be an unpredictably long wait to be chosen by expecting parents. I wish you all the best of luck in creating your family, however that comes to happen. Ta ta for now!

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Nowhere

I haven’t been around much lately. I’ve been trying to keep up on everyone else’s blogs, but I haven’t felt like posting or commenting much. I started my new job at work, which adds stress and makes me just want to do nothing when I get home.

I also just feel really displaced and like I don’t know where we are or where we’re going in our infertility journey. There’s no forward momentum, we’re just kind of sitting here treading water. I have always known what the next step would be so this is really hard for me. It makes me feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It makes me feel stuck forever.

After the information meeting at Amara and the talk The Husband and I had, I felt okay that we were going to look at more agencies and take some more time to decide while he read things and thought about things. But quickly that waiting started making me crazy, and I kept asking him what he was reading in the book and what he thought about it and how he was feeling. And he kept saying “I don’t know…I’m just reading” which made me feel like he was never going to make a decision. We were just going to stay in this place where he wants to do IVF and I want to adopt and we will never move forward. So he got upset with me and said I needed to stop asking him all the time what he was thinking, and that i needed to give him time. And I cried and said I felt hopeless and lost and out of control. He asked for two weeks to think and said he would decide by like April 10 or something. I don’t even remember because I’ve been distracted by my new job which has thankfully allowed me to not feel so tortured by it. I haven’t brought it up much since then except to set up an informational meeting with another agency on April 8.

I just don’t know what to feel or what to say here. It’s almost like I’ve run out of feelings, I just don’t have much more to give. My mom suggested that we see a counselor that specializes in infertility. I said that I didn’t think it was that bad, or to that point. But maybe it is. Maybe it doesn’t even need to be that bad to see someone. Maybe it would help us decide.

All I know right now is that for a day or a week I might just feel acceptance that this is my lot in life and there’s nothing to be done, so why let it get to me. And the next week or day or minute i am so overwhelmed with how unfair and horrible and insurmountable this feels that I can hardly function. And I just want to crawl into a hole and never have to see another pregnant woman or coo at another picture of my friends baby or think about the fact that I have only just scratched the surface of how difficult this will be.

So I think I will just take a nap and dream about something else.

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Adoption Information Meeting: Amara Parenting & Adoption Services

When we first started considering adoption and looking for agencies, there were a few criteria that we both agreed on:

1. The agency has to provide great support and services to women experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. This means educating them about parenting, termination and adoption equally and supporting their choice no matter what it is. This is important for a couple reasons; one is that we are very pro choice and even though we’re in a situation that would greatly benefit from more pregnant women choosing to place their children for adoption, we would never want someone to be coerced or pushed towards a choice that isn’t right for them. The other is that if a woman is pushed or guilted into adoption the chance that she will change her mind is much higher. I want to avoid a disruption as much as possible, and I hope that a great agency that makes really really sure that this is what the woman wants to do should help prevent that.

2. They have to adopt to all types of families regardless of sexual orientation, gender identity, age, religious affiliation, race, etc. One reason for this is that while The Husband was raised Christian and considers himself to be still (thought he doesn’t really believe in the bible nor go to church…hey who am I to tell him what he is, right?!), I am an Athiest (read more about that here) and I absolutely will not pretend to be religious or lie about it in order to get in the good graces of an agency or a birth-mother. The other reason is that I can’t in good conscience work with an organization that would deny children loving homes based on the gender or sexual identity of the parents. This flies in the face of like every single one of my morals and I just won’t do it.

3. They have to be a well established agency, have been operating for at least 15-20 years, and have a kick-ass professional looking website. I have looked at a few sites that just look kind of 90’s or cheesy or otherwise like they didn’t hire a professional web designer and it really turned me off. If you can’t even manage to put together a decent web site in 2014 then how great can you be at facilitating adoptions? I also want to see clear “next steps” like “if you think you may be interested in adopting, attend one of our informational meetings or request a packet or blah blah.” I don’t just want to see “Contact Us” which is super vague. I want to feel confident about their services and that we will feel really supported by them. Bonus points if they actually list average costs and how they break down.

 

So the very first place I was drawn to, which I found months ago, was Amara Parenting & Adoption Services in Seattle. I knew immediately that they fit my first two criteria; they offer all options to pregnant women and they adopt to all types of families. Looking through their website, they had pretty clear “next steps” that included signing up for one of their informational meetings, which we did. Bonus points for having their fee schedule listed on the site. Though I found them a long time ago, I had to wait until The Husband was ready to start actively looking into adoption before taking it any further. We reserved a spot at their informational meeting yesterday morning at 10am.

They’re located in the Madrona neighborhood of Seattle in a single story building all the way at the end of Union Street. Though it was a ways off the freeway, it was easy to find and had lots of parking. We were the first ones there, and they had us sign in then grab an information packet. They also had coffee fruit and girl scout cookies. In all it was a welcoming atmosphere. Once everyone was there, about 40 people, they first showed us a video that had interviews with a couple families that had adopted through them. This of course was totally tear jerking and sweet. One thing I noticed is that both of those families had adopted from foster care. After the video, they started talking about who they are and what they’re about. They have been open for 93 years, which I knew, and while they do facilitate infant relinquishments (pregnant women chooses a family to adopt her child before birth) they primarily do foster-to-adopt. They only placed 6 infants last year. They talked about the process, which requires all families, even those who want to do infant relinquishment, to become certified  foster parents. I’m not going to go in depth into the actual adoption process at this point, I’ll save that for if and when we actually make a solid decision and choose an agency.

Then they had a couple come in who had adopted three kids, siblings, from foster care. They did not feel to me like a good example of typical people who adopt. For one, they had always known they would adopt, rather than having come to adoption after infertility. They were also both child psychologists. When the kids came to them they’d been moved 4 times in 2 years and were 2, 5, and 9. They had a lot of behavioral issues and had to have “line of sight” supervision for about 3 months due to “inappropriate behavior.” The adoption was just finalized a couple months ago but the kids have lived with them for about 2 years.

Maybe I am being naive, but I felt like the environment the kids came from and the level of issues they had aren’t typical, even when adopting from foster care. We weren’t really strongly considering adopting from foster care at this time, but I feel like if we were that would have scared us off. Yes it is their experience and yes a lot of children in foster care have suffered a lot of abuse and neglect that means they have a lot of behavioral and emotional issues that may need a lifetime of therapy, but certainly not all children in foster care have such severe issues that you literally can’t let them out of your sight for a second. I mean these people put cameras in the kid’s rooms so they could watch them all the time. While fostering is something I definitely want to do someday and I think it is so so important, it’s just not something we’re ready for. There’s a possibility that we could have a child under two years old placed with us, but even then it’s likely that the parental rights wouldn’t be terminated and they would be reunited with their birth family, which is the goal of the foster care system. There are children whose parental rights are already terminated and are “free to adopt” as they say, but I think most of these children are older-also not something we’re ready for.

So although Amara is a really great organization with great values that does a lot to help children, we don’t think it’s the right fit for us. With how few infant relinquishments they do each year, I think our wait would be much longer. And I also think that with their heavy focus on foster to adopt, we may get talked into doing something we just aren’t yet equipped for. So we will keep looking.

On the car ride home, we talked. A lot. I asked The Husband again whether he feels like adopting now and doing IVF later is an option for him, and expressed how I would be so much more open to trying IVF if we already had a child and the risk wasn’t as big. He said that he thinks that if we adopt, we won’t want to do IVF because we’ll already be parents. I was like….doesn’t that tell you that it’s not the right choice? I have a hard time understanding his motivations. He still swears that wanting to do IVF isn’t about thinking he’ll love or want a genetic child more. Like one second he says “yes I really want a bio child” and then the next minute he says “no having a bio child isn’t important.” I don’t know if he’s changing his mind or just doesn’t know how he feels. I said I felt like we were at an impasse because he is still definitely leaning towards IVF and I am definitely leaning towards adoption and I don’t see how we can make a choice. One of us shouldn’t have to do something we don’t want to or not get a chance to try something we want to. So he decided we should each weight how we feel towards each option, and he said he is about 60/40 in favor of IVF. I was surprised by this because I thought he had much stronger feelings towards IVF. I then told him that I am about 80/20 towards adoption. So he said that in light of that, and that he is only slightly more in favor of IVF, he thinks it’s likely we will adopt. We’re still not making any final decision, but I felt a lot better knowing that.

Even if we could make a solid decision to adopt, we also can’t agree on domestic or international, and he doesn’t think he likes the idea of an open adoption. It’s so frustrating for me because I have already done so much research and have made decisions based on facts and he is still in the “gut instinct” phase. I also was freaked out by openess at first and now that I’ve read about it and listened to radio shows and understand it, my mind is completely changed. I keep telling him he NEEDS to read things and do his own research, because I am way ahead of him and it makes it really hard to not just say “you don’t even know what you’re talking about!!!” when he gives his opinion on things. Le sigh. When will life be easy again? Oh never? Fuck.

Oh did I forget to mention that I started my period right after we got to the adoption meeting? It was real cute.

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…With my eyes and his hair

Greetings, bloggy friends. I’ve just returned from a week in sunny Phoenix Arizona hanging out with my 7 year old niece and 4 year old nephew. On Saturday we will be going to an informational meeting at the adoption agency we would most likely go to, but other than that there has been zero progress, changes or revelations as it pertains to infertility. Still just floating in limbo land.

My brother, whose family we were visiting, is ten years older than me. Though I’m more like him than my other two brothers, the age difference has always made connecting a little more challenging. He and his wife did ask pretty soon after we all got together about what our next steps were, as they do know we’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while now. I filled them in on IVF and adoption, and the prices, and sister in law shared that her sister had needed IUI to get pregnant with her second. Lucky lady.

A few days after that SIL and I were in the car alone and she asked me how I was doing with the infertility stuff. She said it seemed like maybe I’d just kind of accepted it. I said that today that’s how I feel, but it’s pretty unpredictable. I can be just fine and  not having any major feelings about things and then one day something hits me like a ton of bricks and I break down. One day a comment or question or pregnancy announcement won’t really bother me, and then next it will completely ruin my day. Hard to say. She said that she thinks if it were her, she’d have a lot of feelings about how unfair it is. She lost her dad last year (he was only 63) and said she often looks at men her dad’s age who are bad people, or are some bum on the street, and she feels like it’s so unfair that they get to be here and her dad doesn’t. I agreed that when I see some asshat who can barely take care of themselves cranking out babies, it does feel very unfair that they get multiple children and I can’t have any. It IS unfair. I only see her maybe once a year or every other year so it was nice that we could connect over that.

I played a lot at legos, and swinging on the swing-set. My mom and I took my niece to paint pottery. Kids are so fun. I really want one. One of the things we did was go to my niece’s volleyball practice. There were tons of moms there with their little girls, and I couldn’t help but notice how much the little ones looked like their parents. In particular their noses, it was uncanny how much you could absolutely tell whose daughter they were. My niece definitely looks like my SIL. It was one of those moments that gets you in the gut, thinking you might never have that. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned, but The Husband is half Japanese, so he has black hair and brown eyes and a slightly darker complexion. I always imagined us having a little girl with jet black hair and my dark blue eyes. Her dads complexion and my nose. I look a lot like both my grandmother and my mom, and I’m so curious to see if I had a daughter, would she see herself in her great grandma Midge? I’m ready to make peace with never having a bio child and am so totally open to adopting, but I think everyone thinks about this. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love my adopted child more than anything. I would just always wonder what that little girl would look like. Will I ever get to meet her?

On the plane ride home, I put on my Infertility Jams playlist, and shed a few little tears. If I hadn’t felt the need not to freak out the lady next to me, I probably would have had a sob-fest. This really is a total crock of shit. I am at the same time fully pissed at the world, and completely in awe of myself for how much I can handle. We’re kind of bad ass bitches, aren’t we? I just wish we didn’t have to be.

Yesterday my bestie with the 4 month old texted me and said that they were going to need to get rid of some newborn stuff. She is planning on giving it to whoever gets pregnant next, but wanted to ask if I wanted to have them. I said that I am not ready to keep baby things in the house, it would just be too hard. But I thanked her for the thought. She said she kind of thought that was what I would say but wanted to ask. I know a lot of IFers have a box or closet full of baby things, but I just can’t stand it. It hurts me just to think about little onesies in this house, waiting to be filled by baby bellies and chubby legs. I’m not ready.

I’ll leave you with another IF Jam, called “When a Heart Breaks” by Ben Rector. Some of my favorite lines:

I woke up this morning
And I heard the news
I know the pain of a heartbreak
I don’t have answers
And neither do you
I know the pain of a heartbreak

I heard the doctor
But what did he say
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don’t need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep

This isn’t easy
This isn’t clear
And you don’t need Jesus
Til you’re here

Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart break

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Fork In The Road

Well, nothing really has changed since my last post. The Husband and I haven’t even discussed IVF vs adoption since the appointment. I think this is probably a good thing, since we’re both just sort of marinating on our options and waiting until we have the appointment at the adoption agency before even going over our options again.

But something did happen that changes things a little/probably means we’ll be pushing pause for a little while. I got a promotion at work. The one that is being vacated by the girl who got married in December and pregnant in January. There was a really intense moment in the second interview (which the girl who is leaving was not involved in) where they asked me a question about how I would handle a situation where I had negative feelings about a coworker. So I just decided so come out with it and tell them that I really struggle with my feelings towards the girl who’s leaving, and that I know that my feelings really having nothing to do with her and are all about me, so I work really hard not to let her feel negativity from me. One of them asked me if I knew why I had those feelings, and once again I decided to be honest and said “because she’s pregnant and I can’t get pregnant, and it’s really difficult to talk to her, especially when she mentions her pregnancy. But I understand that it’s not her fault and it’s not fair to her if I treat her differently because of it so I have to remind myself every day that she’s a very nice person and I should treat her that way.” I was a little worried that I totally botched it, but i do know that one of the things they look for in managers is that they trust the other managers and can be open and honest, so I was hoping that I just demonstrated that. It must have worked, because they offered me the position.

I will get paid more, about $400 a month more, which means we will be able to save more for whatever option we do choose. But it also means that I will be really stressed out taking on way more responsibility and learning a ton of new things, and most definitely not in a position to be adding the stress of IVF anytime soon, and maybe not adoption either. I definitely think it would be unwise as a new manager to be all jacked up on hormones and discovering how they affect me. I just think I will need to wait until I have a handle on my new role before adding more to the mix.

I’m hoping that I’ll be so distracted and involved with all this that I won’t feel tortured by having to put things on hold. And I’m hoping that either IVF or adoption becomes a more clear option to both myself and the husband so neither of us feels like we’re settling, But that all seems like a lot to ask. Right now I don’t feel the pain and ache of my childlessness. Does anyone else have times where all they think about is being a mom and the pain of it is so acute all the time, and then other times where you forget you’re infertile and it just feels like you’re a normal person just living your life? I’m just afraid of when the ache and pain will return in full force and knock me on my ass.

My best friend asked me the other day if we had considered “putting ourselves on some adoption waiting lists” while we figure things out. I know that i know way more about IF treatments and adoption than the average jane, but I’m still blown away sometimes at how little others know. I educated her about how you have to pay agency fees, do a homestudy, get your medical clearance ,etc etc before you can “get on a waiting list” and be shown to expectant parents. Though most of the cost comes at the time of placement, most of the legwork has to be done before you can even be shown. She obviously didn’t know that….now she does.

So now I’m just going to sit back and wait for the inevitable surprise pregnancy that will befall me because we’ve “stopped trying” and I won’t even have time to think about it. Bring it on.

P.S. we’ll never stop trying.

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A rock and a hard place

We had our follow up appointment with the RE today. She gave us two options:

1. Continue with IUI, but swap out Clomid for Femara, which some people respond to better. We would also add some injectable thing, though I forget what it is. Not gonadotropin. She gave our success with this a 15% chance.

2. IVF with ICSI. The ICSI because at this point the chances that fertilization isn’t happening are pretty good. She gave us a 50-60% chance with that, and at my clinic a single cycle, including meds, would be about 16-17K. We also talked with the financial advisor about their shared risk programs, and the 2 fresh 2 frozen option with a 50% refund if they don’t work would be like 33K with meds.

I asked her some questions about embryo donation, but The Husband really has no interest at all in it. He says that if we’re going to get pregnant and take the risk of transfer not working, it should be with our own genes. I am dropping that one because I wasn’t super passionate about it and he clearly isn’t interested.

After the appointment we talked, and pretty much The Husband wants to do IVF and believes it will work, and I don’t think it will and want to adopt. This is the first time in this infertility journey that we are really not at all in agreement about what to do next. He keeps saying “I think we’ll work it out” and “stop just talking about the cost” but how can I not? What if we do it and it doesn’t work, and then we can’t adopt? This is a REAL possibility but I think he has so much hope it will work that he is ignoring that.

He also keeps saying that I don’t want to do it because of all the meds and appointments. Almost in a spiteful way, like I’m letting that hold me back. Well #1 that alone is not enough to change my mind one way or another. I am willing to go through a lot to be a mom. But #2 I really resent him acting like that shouldn’t be a factor. I will have to take time off work and drive 45 minutes to our clinic twice a week, and be injected with crazy hormones that leave me black and blue and emotional, and all he has to do is jack off in a cup. So I think he needs to STFU and I plan to tell him as much! Even if I didn’t want to do it because of all that, it would be a valid reason.

We are planning to go to the adoption agency next month for an information meeting, before we make a decision. We both have a lot of thinking and talking to do.

Have you all heard the song “Pompeii” by Bastille? It’s by newest IF jam. Some select lyrics:

“I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show”

“And the walls came tumbling down in the city that we loved
Gray clouds roll over the hills bringing darkness from above”

“But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all
And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you’ve been here before”

“How am I gonna be an optimist about this?”

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6 Pregnant Ladies and a Partridge in a Pear Tree

Yesterday The Husband and I embarked upon our normal Sunday errands. Petsmart, Target, Costco, and Fred Meyer, in that order. The evening before he had shared that this girl he works with who is like 25 and has a really stupid awful husband and two kids, is pregnant with a third. They’re the type that make you go “really, three for them and none for us?! Makes sense!” So as we park the car at Target he says “I just saw Dumbo and her family going in. Do you want to go in?” I debated this. The chances that we would see them and have to say hi we’re relatively high. Not only does this mean talking to people we don’t like, but there is no way I could just ignore her obvious pregnancy. We decided to go to Costco first, which meant driving to the other side of town, then coming back, to avoid them.

Can I take a moment to say how much I love The Husband not only for willingly doing this, but it was actually his idea. He gets it.

So we do the Costco thing, then drive back to Target for mascara, eyeliner and the like. Thankfully, the highly fertile asshat family was gone, but in their wake, we saw six pregnant women in store. The first three were within 30 seconds of walking in, the last was our freaking checker.

OMG UNIVERSE YOU ARE SO FUNNY! I see what you did there! Swapped out one pregnant person we’d have to talk to with 6 we just have to look at. Well, joke’s on you cause we both agreed that we’d rather see hoards of preggos than have to talk to the young and the fertile family.

Last night we started making a list of questions we have for the RE on Wednesday. They are divided into: questions we have about treatment so far; questions about embryo donation; questions about IVF. We also discussed whether we want to go to another clinic for a second opinion. Basically to see if they can figure out what the problem is. The unexplained thing makes it hard to decide what path to take. I just want/need to have a new plan now that plan B is done. Bring on plan C!

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