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Cycle 11, 14 DPO

I took a pregnancy test today. I planned on waiting until 16 dpo so it would be more accurate, but I pretty much felt that I was out and wanted to start feeling sorry for myself now, and needed some wine to do so properly.

I didn’t use FMU because I stayed in a hotel last night after a concert and my husband catching an early flight. When i got home at about 4:30 I decided just to take one so I could have some wine. Not that i have perfectly abstained during this TWW. More on that later.

Because of the Prometrium, I won’t get my period until I stop taking it so I have to take an HPT to know if I am pregnant. AF won’t come until I invite her (which is great, it means no surprises). I know that at 14 DPO and without using FMU (first morning urine) the accuracy isn’t great, but I did it anyway with a clearblue easy. Not pregnant.

At this point taking an HPT is very anti-climactic. I don’t get nervous or excited, I just know it’s going to be negative. I just know. why would it not be? It has been every other time. I wasn’t upset, or surprised. I popped the reisling, and here I am. I am going to take the Prometrium tonight and tomorrow (I take one twice a day) and test again on the morning of 16 DPO, then stop taking it, assuming it’s negative again.

I have been feeling really guilty about drinking. I don’t drink a lot, but maybe once a week. My RE (reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Klein) told me to ‘avoid alcohol’ but I will definitely be asking for some clarification about that in my follow up appointment on Friday. After I started to get really serious about TTC at about cycle 6, I avoided it like the plague and only allowed myself one bottle of wine when I got my period, to help in the wallowing. (I had also cut out caffeine, which wasn’t as hard). As time has gone on, I have been less restrictive. I just feel like my whole life revolves around TTC and little things like a cup of coffee or a glass of wine help me feel normal. Let’s also not mention the fact that I had to cut out soy (I a vegetarian so tofu was a regular visitor at our dinner table) at the advice of the acupuncturist I saw for 3 months) because soy mimics estrogen, which is the hormone i may have too much of that is overshadowing our friend progesterone.

So I admit, I have been having more wine and the once ever-other-weekly cup off coffee or caffeinated (gasp!) herbal tea. I don’t know how big of a deal this is, but when I get that BFN I can’t help but wonder if I sabotaged myself by having a couple beers at the concert. It’s so hard to live your life while not constantly living in fear that you’re ruining your chances. I plan on asking my RE about what ‘avoiding’ means. Honestly, if she tells me that I need to not drink a drop of alcohol or caffeine to get pregnant, I will. I just need my doctor, not the thousand opinions of the internet, to guide me.

I also have feelings about entering my 12th cycle. A year. That means clinically infertile, right? that means something is really wrong with me, no one can say “oh give it time” anymore, right? Part of me feels like being able to say “we’ve been trying for a year” will give me more credit and I won’t get the “oh don’t worry it’ll happen” spiel as much. Obviously I would much rather have been pregnant months ago, but there’s something to be said for having people actually believe you and not just think you are being a hypochondriac. My own mother still thinks that nothing is really wrong and we just need to “give it more time.” This from the woman who has been pregnant 6 times, two of them on purpose. Easy to say from where you’re sitting, ma.

I do wonder if people say that because they thing it’s comforting, assuring me nothing is wrong. On the contrary, it makes me feel like you think I am being dramatic and making mountains out of molehills. Please, acknowledge that something is wrong! I know it is, and I need you to agree so I don’t feel crazy! Maybe 12 months will get everyone on the same page?

Barring a miracle (I don’t have much faith in those at this point) I will get another BFN on Wednesday and start my period on Friday, and then it’s on to cycle 12 and my RE follow-up, and another month of hope and letdown. Let’s hope it’s the last.

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Here I Still Am, And Here It Still Isn’t

Sometimes I need to talk about it, and then for awhile I don’t. I started this blog, and then didn’t feel compelled to  write on it again for almost three months. Today I feel consumed by TTC, and so here i find myself again.

Suppose I should update…

After my 9th cycle ended, I contacted a fertility clinic to see about getting in. They never asked me how long I had been TTC, which I was worried about, and I set up an appointment for a couple weeks later. My husband went with me to the first appointment. I came armed with my charts for the last several months and hope that things would get moving soon. The doctor we saw, a female Dr. Klein, was very nice and asked us a lot of questions about our health and when we have sex and how I have been tracking my fertility. She looked at my charts and agreed that my luteal phase is a bit short and that may be cause for concern. She also said as far as timing goes, we are doing everything perfectly. She reviewed husband’s semen analysis and didn’t think there was anything to worry about there, it all looked good. Then she said she’d like to to an ultrasound just to check my egg reserve. It was a transvaginal ultrasound, which was not something I’ve had done before. It was cool to be able to make out my uterus and the lining. At the time of the appointment i was 3 DPO and she said the lining looked perfect for that time, nice and thick. Then she looked at each ovary, which was a bit uncomfortable. You could see all the follicles of maturing eggs, and there was I think 12 in one and 10 in the other, which she said was good. You could actually see a dark spot in one of the ovaries where a follicle had ruptured and an egg was released, which was really cool. She could tell from that that I had ovulated on the right side that cycle.

After making sure that my egg reserve was good, she said she’d like to draw some blood to check hormone levels and some other things, and we had also decided to do a genetic test to see if I am a carrier for any big genetic diseases. Then she said that based on my charts and the fact that we are doing everything right timing-wise, she is comfortable just starting me on some progesterone supplements in hopes that helps with the luteal phase, assuming that is the issue. Alternatively, if I want a more solid answer as to why we are having issues, we could do a series of blood draws over the course of a cycle to check levels of hormones, etc. Wanting to get things moving, I opted to start with the hormones. since they are meant to be started 3 DPO, I was good to start them that day if I like.

i started the vaginal suppositories of prometrium that day, and was told if and when I got my period to schedule an HSG to make sure my tubes are open. Of course I hoped and dreamed all cycle that I would have beginners luck and not need that HSG. I threw my best friend a baby shower hoping that cycle #10 would be my month. Spoiler alert; it wasn’t.  Though the Prometrium did keep me from spotting or starting my period, which is great, i took a HPT at 16 dpo and got a BFN, so I stopped taking it and got my period the next day.

A week later I had the HSG. Basically they have you lay on a table and they insert a catheter into your uterus and fill it with dye while taking an x-ray to see if the dye goes through your fallopian tubes and out the ends, or if it stops, indicating a blocked tube. I took the day off work after reading that some ladies have really bad pain with it, but it was okay. Though husband couldn’t be in the room due to the x-ray, he went with me and came in after to talk about the results. Both tubes are open.

I am now 14 dpo on cycle #11, taking the Prometrium for the second cycle. I guess I’ll wrap this up as an update and leave my thoughts on today for another post.

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