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Cycle 11, 14 DPO

on September 3, 2013

I took a pregnancy test today. I planned on waiting until 16 dpo so it would be more accurate, but I pretty much felt that I was out and wanted to start feeling sorry for myself now, and needed some wine to do so properly.

I didn’t use FMU because I stayed in a hotel last night after a concert and my husband catching an early flight. When i got home at about 4:30 I decided just to take one so I could have some wine. Not that i have perfectly abstained during this TWW. More on that later.

Because of the Prometrium, I won’t get my period until I stop taking it so I have to take an HPT to know if I am pregnant. AF won’t come until I invite her (which is great, it means no surprises). I know that at 14 DPO and without using FMU (first morning urine) the accuracy isn’t great, but I did it anyway with a clearblue easy. Not pregnant.

At this point taking an HPT is very anti-climactic. I don’t get nervous or excited, I just know it’s going to be negative. I just know. why would it not be? It has been every other time. I wasn’t upset, or surprised. I popped the reisling, and here I am. I am going to take the Prometrium tonight and tomorrow (I take one twice a day) and test again on the morning of 16 DPO, then stop taking it, assuming it’s negative again.

I have been feeling really guilty about drinking. I don’t drink a lot, but maybe once a week. My RE (reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Klein) told me to ‘avoid alcohol’ but I will definitely be asking for some clarification about that in my follow up appointment on Friday. After I started to get really serious about TTC at about cycle 6, I avoided it like the plague and only allowed myself one bottle of wine when I got my period, to help in the wallowing. (I had also cut out caffeine, which wasn’t as hard). As time has gone on, I have been less restrictive. I just feel like my whole life revolves around TTC and little things like a cup of coffee or a glass of wine help me feel normal. Let’s also not mention the fact that I had to cut out soy (I a vegetarian so tofu was a regular visitor at our dinner table) at the advice of the acupuncturist I saw for 3 months) because soy mimics estrogen, which is the hormone i may have too much of that is overshadowing our friend progesterone.

So I admit, I have been having more wine and the once ever-other-weekly cup off coffee or caffeinated (gasp!) herbal tea. I don’t know how big of a deal this is, but when I get that BFN I can’t help but wonder if I sabotaged myself by having a couple beers at the concert. It’s so hard to live your life while not constantly living in fear that you’re ruining your chances. I plan on asking my RE about what ‘avoiding’ means. Honestly, if she tells me that I need to not drink a drop of alcohol or caffeine to get pregnant, I will. I just need my doctor, not the thousand opinions of the internet, to guide me.

I also have feelings about entering my 12th cycle. A year. That means clinically infertile, right? that means something is really wrong with me, no one can say “oh give it time” anymore, right? Part of me feels like being able to say “we’ve been trying for a year” will give me more credit and I won’t get the “oh don’t worry it’ll happen” spiel as much. Obviously I would much rather have been pregnant months ago, but there’s something to be said for having people actually believe you and not just think you are being a hypochondriac. My own mother still thinks that nothing is really wrong and we just need to “give it more time.” This from the woman who has been pregnant 6 times, two of them on purpose. Easy to say from where you’re sitting, ma.

I do wonder if people say that because they thing it’s comforting, assuring me nothing is wrong. On the contrary, it makes me feel like you think I am being dramatic and making mountains out of molehills. Please, acknowledge that something is wrong! I know it is, and I need you to agree so I don’t feel crazy! Maybe 12 months will get everyone on the same page?

Barring a miracle (I don’t have much faith in those at this point) I will get another BFN on Wednesday and start my period on Friday, and then it’s on to cycle 12 and my RE follow-up, and another month of hope and letdown. Let’s hope it’s the last.

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One response to “Cycle 11, 14 DPO

  1. ovugirl says:

    I’m sorry that your pregnancy test came out negative, I hope the next cycle will be your last cycle of trying to conceive. I would love to talk to you personally. This is my contact e-mail ovugirl@gmail.com. I’m waiting for a message from you!

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