No Bun In This Oven

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Over and Out

Happy Thanksgiving y’all. What do I have to be thankful for? Lots, to be sure. A wonderful husband who is doing a mostly good job of supporting me emotionally through this. Amazing parents who I can tell anything, who understand me. A job I love, a roof over my head. I know I am very lucky.

But I also know I am infertile, and that blows. And that I got my period today, and that means my IUI didn’t work. And that one of my best friends said something really shitty to me. So I am thankful, but I’m also sad.

The friend in question I have known since I was 4. She lives a few hours away and I only see her a couple times a year, though I did go visit her last month. She is on this big self help kick and has said things to me before about the power of positive thinking. This didn’t really bother me because I know she’s trying to be helpful and really not trying so say that I would get pregnant if I had a more positive attitude, so I just ignore it. Today, she noticed that my Facebook was inactive and asked why. I let her know that I needed a break because all the babies and pregnancies were just making me sad. A couple texts later she said this:

“Yeah. But girl, you just gotta remember, you are only 29. 29! You are soooo young and have so much time to “start” a family. You have at least 8-10 years. 8 years ago you were 21 and getting wasted and dating that silly boy and look how much things have changed. There is only a self-perceived sense of urgency with this. And when you are 70, looking back on your life and family and your kids, you won’t even remember this one or two years of being sad. Positive thoughts. ”

Um…I’m sorry, did you REALLY just tell me that I shouldn’t be upset that I’m infertile because I’m only 29, AND THEN have the audacity to say that this horrible, stressful, painful time in my life won’t matter later? AND THEN tell me I needed to think positive? What I wanted to say was FUCK YOU” but what I really said was this:

“That’s really easy for you to say. You really don’t know how this feels. I understand I have time, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. ”

Then, instead of apologizing for being a total dick, she said that she does know what it’s like to not be able to have what other people can, because she’s gay and can’t get married (she lives in Oregon where it’s not yet legal) and she and her partner could never have kids together. The thing is, she isn’t sure that she ever wants kids, and if she did have kids she would want to adopt. That’s always been her thing. And she doesn’t believe in marriage either!. So NO you don’t know how I feel. You don’t know what it’s like to want something so bad and not know if it will ever happen. Regardless of whether she knows how I feel, it was still incredibly rude. So after she asserted that she does know how I feel, I said this:

“You don’t want kids right now. I don’t think this conversation needs to continue, but for the record it does not comfort me to have someone tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do and that it won’t matter later. I know you’re trying to be positive but it didn’t feel good. Love you. ”

Thankfully she ended it and just said Happy Thanksgiving, but obviously things are now awkward. I mean who the hell is she to tell me I shouldn’t feel this way? What the hell kind of friend is that? Thankfully, my other friend who I’m much closer to (just had the baby) was coming over for dinner so I showed her and she agreed that other friend was way out of line. And when I told her I deactivated my Facebook, she understood. Even though it’s her baby I’m avoiding at times. At least I’ve got her.

We are taking December off from meds and IUI’s and will do another in January. I am thinking about asking my RE about doing a trigger shot. So far we haven’t done it and I wonder if it helps success rates. Anyone know the benefits of using one?

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Kelly Clarkson can suck it

I’m so sick of seeing headlines about Kelly Clarkson’s pregnancy. She got married in September and was very vocal about how they were going to start trying right away and she hoped to be pregnant by Christmas. But unlike myself who was stupid and told the whole world when we started trying, she actually got pregnant. Like, immediately.

So now I’m seeing all these headlines about her nausea and in spite of her delicate condition I just want to punch her. Stop rubbing your fertile uterus in my face! It’s aggravating to see someone so unaware of what some women go through, and telling everyone about it suggesting she has no fear of miscarriage. Well guess what Kelly, some of us don’t have it so easy, so I hope you’re super damn grateful!

I’m so irritable today. 13 dpIUI and BFN. I’m sure I’m done, the IUI didn’t work. But here I am googling “BFN 13 dpo turned positive” and convincing myself the result will change. It totally could! But it probably won’t*.Do you know how many HPTs I took yesterday? four. Ridiculous. I need to get a freaking grip.

To top it off my coworker just got professional pics of her kids and is showing them to everyone ooing and ahhing. BARF.

I did deactivate my Facebook, which feels weird. I didn’t post a lot, but I did look at it a lot. I’m sure my friend is posting ten million pics of her baby that I’m missing, but they’ll still be there if I decide to go back. Feels good not being ambushed by it.

I’m always amazed that as little faith that I have that any of these treatments will work, I’m always so disappointed. My sub conscious must have its hopes up.

*for reals I know it could still turn BFP, but I need to start letting myself down easy.

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How to take a Pregnancy Test

1. Wake up and think “it’s time” then make your way to the bathroom
2. Remove the test from the wrapper and read the directions again, just to make sure (3 seconds in the pee, 5 minutes on the clock, got it)
3. Either pee in a cup and dip the stick, or pee on the stick (I am a cup fan myself).
4. Lay the test flat as per the instructions, and probably also obscure the results window from view. Start the timer.
5. Busy yourself for the allotted time. I usually choose to fiddle with my phone. If you did not obscure the results window as directed, you will inevitably glance at the test for a half a second, then stop yourself. You then might think you saw a line.
6. At the end of the allotted time, look at the test. There will be a control line, but no test line. The result is negative.
7. Hold the test closer to your face. No line.
8. Hold the test closer to the light. No line.
9. Take the test over to the window to view it in a more natural light. No line.
10. Tilt it this way and that. Wait, is that a line?!! No. No that’s just the indent where the test line would appear if it were positive. Definitely negative.
11. Throw the test away and repeat in 24 hours.

I am only 11dpo today so my resounding BFN should come as no surprise. I’m still thinking this cycle is a bust, because I’m a glass half empty kind of gal.

Today I logged onto Facebook to find a picture of two of my good friends (one the aforementioned friend who just had a baby) and their little ones. It was very “mom club.” Which is great for them, but sucks for me. I decided to deactivate my Facebook for now. It just serves to make me feel shitty more than anything else. I didn’t make some “I need a break from fb” declaration, I didn’t even tell The Husband. I just thought enough was enough and, like the lovely commenters said on a previous post, I need to protect myself.

Also, for those of you who played the Two Truths and a Lie game, here are my answers!

1. I once won second place in a lap dance contest in Mexico. TRUE! I was 21 and had just broken up with my boyfriend. All my clothes stayed on, but I can’t say the same for the girl who won…

2. I have been a vegetarian for nearly ten years. TRUE! Technically I am a pescatarian since I eat fish, but I have not touched any land animals since 2004

3. I have been skydiving 5 times. FALSE! I get horrible motion sickness, so if the plane ride up didn’t kill me, the dropping sensation of the fall would. No thanks!

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Two Truths and a Lie

I’m jumping on that bandwagon of the Two Truths and a lie game, piggybacking on Katie at Birds, Bees and Medicine. Since I’m brand new to ICLW and also pretty new to blogging, it should be easy to fool you 🙂

Tell us 3 things about you and make 1 of them a lie. Try to think about what other bloggers already know about you, what might shock them and what they don’t know and would simply not being able to guess which one is a lie.

1. I once won second place in a lap dance contest in Mexico

2.  I have been a vegetarian for nearly ten years
3. I have gone skydiving 5 times
RULES: Comment below with which one you think is a lie. Make a new post on your blog and do the same. After you get a bunch of guesses (or whenever you feel like), make a new post with the right/wrong answers and explain them if you want. If you’re lazy, you can comment and not play along. Party pooper.
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Green Monsters

Welcome to ICLW (forgot to say that before). A little background on me…

I’ve been TTC since November last year. I have a luteal phase defect, so my cycles were very short for most of the first year, meaning this is actually my 14th cycle. After crying, acupuncture, vitamins, and more crying didn’t work, I finally went to an RE in July. We tried some meds to help the the LPD and she also put me on Clomid, but still no dice. I had my first IUI on November 13th and I am currently 9dpIUI and already caved to taking early tests. So far negative, but I still have a glimmer of hope.

I am really struggling with my feelings towards my best friend, who had a baby about a week ago. I thought it was difficult when she became pregnant while I was still struggling. She had a very healthy but very uncomfortable pregnancy and it was awkward for us to find a way to relate to each other in a way that didn’t offend either of us or leave either of us feeling unsupported. It got easier to be happy for her, and I threw her a beautiful baby shower within a week of my first appointment with the RE. I thought I had found a way to deal.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I’m feeling now that the baby is here. I love her so much, and of course I anticipated my feelings of longing and jealousy for the simple fact that my friend is now a mother to a beautiful baby girl. What I didn’t expect was how much her becoming a mom and joining that club would leave me feeling so incredibly…left behind. And so quickly. I make an effort to text her and ask how the baby is doing, and how she’s recovering. Already it’s like I am so on the outside. Before we talked so much together about what we hoped to do as parents, our ideas about labor and delivery, cloth diapering, breastfeeding. We were free to theorize and plan and talk about how our plans might not work. Now she’s crossed over into no longer talking about these things, she’s doing them. She is finding out how difficult breastfeeding is and retracting her judgements about women who choose to stop. She’s waking up all night and giving first baths and posting so many pictures on Facebook like she said she wouldn’t do. It’s so amazing to see her fall so naturally into her role as a mother, and it’s so incredibly painful to lose her to a world that I’m not being permitted into.

I know that all close friends experience a shift in their relationship when one has kids and the other still doesn’t, but the fact that I want one SO BADLY and can’t have it makes it feel so much worse. Though she would never say this to me, it feels like she’s thinking “you just can’t understand, you just don’t know.” And I don’t. But I would give anything to know what she’s going through. It almost hurts to much to ask. I actually considered taking her out of my Facebook feed because the constant pics of the baby break my heart. But I can’t do that. I can’t not see her growing up already, not be involved in my best friend’s life. As much as it hurts, I love them both and I’ll have to get over it. But this transition really sucks.

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Sick

8dpIUI, and I seem to have caught myself a cold. Not too super bad, mostly a sore throat and a runny nose. But of course this gets me thinking that a cold can’t be good for any little embryos attempting to implant, so I consulted Dr. Google. I did find some things that said if you’re running a high fever (over 100) that is bad for implantation and pregnancy, but anything else should be okay. Of course just don’t take any meds that aren’t safe for pregnancy, just in case.

BUT I also found a bunch of things, mostly just message boards, saying that a cold during the TWW is a good thing, because it means your immunity is lowered, and this is either good for implantation because your body is too distracted by the illness to try and boot the pregnancy, or it actually means your pregnant because your immune system is lowered? None of these sources, mind you, were reputable. Just a bunch of women saying “I had a cold during the TWW the month I got my BFP!” But of course I’m going to take it as a hopeful thing.

I’ve also determined with certainty that I am incapable of having any self-control when it comes to taking early HPTs if they are in the house. I got my Wondfos yesterday, and I tested this morning. At only 8dpo. Come on! Too early! Of course it was a BFN, but now that I’ve opened the flood gates, I will probably just take them every day. The one thing I seem to be able to resist, though, is taking them multiple times a day. so I’ve still got that going for me.

A close friend was asking today about when I’m testing. I didn’t tell her I already started, but just mentioned next week. She asked if I was nervous or excited about testing. This is something several of my friends have asked me over the months. Maybe it’s just me,. but I really feel nothing when I take an HPT. I have just taken so many, and got so many BFNs, that it’s hard to expect anything else. So this really odd way I explained it to her:

Say that there is a cupboard in your house, and someone tells you that the cupboard will at some point contain a cat, and you should check it once a month. The first couple months you would be excited or nervous like “Is there going to be a cat, is there not going to be a cat?!” but over time, if month after month there was no cat, if after a YEAR there was no cat, you pretty much know there will be no cat in there. So you open it, but with little to no expectation. She said that makes sense, lol.

So here’s to hoping there’s a cat in my cupboard!

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Oh Noes!

It just occurred to me that due to the mixed crowd at Thanksgiving this year, I might get the dreaded “when are you going to hurry up and have a baby?!” If this cycle is a bust, it will literally be the day after by BFN, so I’m sure I will be a bit touchy. Nothing to do really except be prepared. I did find an article on Mommyish for folks who just aren’t ready for kids fielding these questions, and it seemed like it could work for us too. It was hilarious.

These were their ideas on how to respond when someone asks about your plans to have children (edited for infertiles):

1. Surprise them by responding with a similarly personal question,  such as: “Do you wax?” “How much do you get paid?” “What  absorbency do you use, tampon-wise?”

2. Offer a bizarre fact in order to enrich their lives. “Crows recognize human faces and hold grudges.” “China is currently building  a car-free city.” “You are being exceptionally rude by continuing to pester  me about my reproductive choices  status.”

3. Have a prepared line. Options: “I’m not sure when! But  I’m sure my mom will call you screaming.” “I’m not sure when! But I’m sure my  partner will put one in me sometime in the next twenty years.” “I’m not sure  when! But I’m sure you’ll maybe find out somehow. I don’t really care.”

4. You can make up an excuse and simply walk away. “Excuse me for a moment, my mom is frantically waving an EPI pen I have to make  sure she injects the right person.” “Excuse me for a moment, but it would  appear that the only two Republicans here have found each other and I must go  remind them about Obamacare.” “Excuse me for a moment, I must go  self-immolate.”

4a. Or, you might try moonwalking away, for a bit of holiday  whimsy.

5. Be direct and honest. Just shut it the hell down. “I’m not pregnant right now  not planning to have children for a while, and that’s all I’ve got to say about  it.”

Now, moonwalk your way over to your partner (who, if he’s a dude, almost  certainly hasn’t been asked the same thing) and instruct him to make you a stiff  drink.

Read more: http://www.mommyish.com/2013/11/20/thanksgiving-childless/2/#ixzz2lF6Oq1MC

 

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Words

I needed this today

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Thoughts at 4dpIUI

Oh two week wait, what a tangled web you weave. I am constantly catapulted between the most glorious hope and the most depressing stoicism in regards to if this IUI, our first, will work. A list of things I am thinking and doing, in no particular order

Taking my progesterone suppositories twice a day, and thinking I should have bought stock in panty liners. Also trying to plan non-babymaking sex around said suppositories. These important vag pills give me a nice chalky white discharge all the live-long day, AND they act as an almost anti-lube. It’s like I’ve got non-skid tape down there. So I am trying to plan a time after the first dose, then a shower a few hours later to rid myself of most of the chalky business, but before the evening dose and with lots of lube. Sexy, no?

-Taking my Chinese herbs twice a day, and feeling guilty for not taking them more. My Acupuncturist gave my implantation herbs…wait no, she didn’t give them to me, she advised that I purchase them from her at $20 a bottle and told me to take three of them three times a day. But the smallish bottle would only last about 6 days at that rate, barely enough time for an implantation, so I am taking three pills twice a day to make them last longer. In previous months (before the IUI) she was having me take two pills three times a day, so I figure if it’s the same total amount it should be good, right? I have a really hard time remembering to take them mid-day when I’m at work. Oh, she also advised me to take more Progesterone because it won’t hurt anything and might help. But considering that she’s not a doctor, I double checked when I had my IUI and they said 200mg a day is plenty.

-Obsessing about HPTs, and when to take what variety. I know we’ve all told ourselves and each other not to test early. Has anyone actually taken their own advice on that? It’s irresistible. I tried to curb this by only buying expensive digital tests instead of internet cheapies and having only two in the house, to take on 14dpo and 16dpo. Then I tell myself this will keep me from testing early because 1.I only have two tests and I hate buying them, so I will preserve them and 2. It will keep me from testing early because digital tests don’t let you see if there is a super faint line, just give you a yes or no. Problems with this theory are that 1. My friend didn’t get a positive on a digital test until like 17dpo and OMG what if I think it’s negative and stop progesterone and cause myself to miscarry and 2. I really want to know if I am going to get a positive before 14dpo (day before thanksgiving) so I can go get a beta test and find out if we’re maybe viable before spilling the beans, even to The Husband. So I caved, hit up Amazon, and ordered 25 Wondfo HPTs (which are cheap and quite sensitive), and some more ovulation tests, which brings me to:

-Ping-ponging from one second to the next either thinking this is totally of course going to work and totally of course not going to (and who do I think I am anyway?) I just don’t even know how to feel. This is the treatment that should work, right? My theory at this point is that my cervical mucous hates The Husband’s sperm and has refused to let it into Club Uterus. The IUI gets around that, so this could work, couldn’t it? Then again, we don’t really know what the problem is so it could really not work, at all, ever. I keep thinking of the title of Obama’s book “The audacity of hope” and it feels very applicable here. Okay, I didn’t actually read the book (sorry Mr. President) but it just sounds like how I feel. How dare I sit here and think this will solve all my problems? What makes me so special that I can get pregnant after one IUI when so many others take multiple IUIs, or IVFs, or never get pregnant at all? It’s almost like I feel guilty in advance for potentially getting pregnant so “easily.” I put that in quotes because it really hasn’t been easy compared to your average fertile girl, but compared to most IFers, getting a BFP after one IUI is a freaking cakewalk. It feels like I’ve just found this community I belong to who understands how hard this is, and then I will just betray them all and get pregnant and walk away. It’s weird. I want so much to get pregnant, and to stay pregnant, but part of me feels like if it doesn’t work, I will just be enveloped even more into this club of chicks who couldn’t make a baby if their life depended on it. I could never share this feeling with anyone else, and maybe even other infertiles will think I’m nuts, but for some reason this thought exists in my head. How fucked up is that?!

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FMFs

About a week ago my friend told me that a friend of her’s got pregnant the night of her wedding, surprise! When I was re-telling this to The Husband, I said in disgust “fertile motherfucker” and FMF was born. Now whenever we see someone pregnant and with another child or hear of someone getting pregnant by accident I just look at him and say “FMF.” It makes me feel better.

Yesterday I had my IUI. The husband’s appointment to provide his “sample” was at 9am, and my appointment was at 10:30. He had no problem getting things taken care of, which always surprises me. Pretty sure I couldn’t go into a room in a strange place and get down with myself in any kind of timely fashion. That’s men for ya I guess.

His pre and post wash numbers were both really good, as they were on his SA. The washed sample was 120 million swimmers, 68% motile. I found the IUI itself really uncomfortable. It actually hurt more than my HSG. The nurse warned me that if the catheter touches the sides of the uterus it causes a cramp, and I’m guessing that’s what it was. They didn’t have me stay lying down or anything, just took a couple minutes and I was good to go. I had a tiny bit of spotting and some light cramping throughout the day.

Immediately after, the Husband went to work and I played hookie and went to see my friend’s baby. She is very big for a newborn, so felt very sturdy and was so cute. My friend let me hold her for hours. Now I’m just hoping it’s my turn, sigh.

I can test the day before thanksgiving which sucks because whether it’s BFN or BFP I would like more time to process before the holiday. Also if it’s BFP that will make beta testing more difficult. Of course this is a problem I would love to have!

I’ll just be over here popping progesterone and Chinese herbs, courtesy of my acupuncturist, and trying not to go insane.

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