No Bun In This Oven

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Unexplained Infertility

on November 3, 2013

I want to write here more. I have so many things in my head, but for some reason I just don’t. I read a lot of other IF blogs, visit the forum that I am a member of and post sometimes, but I need to come here more to get all the thoughts out of my head. I completely understand why so many IFers blog. No one else IRL can understand. Not even my husband. This is the most isolating experience I’ve ever had. I think about it constantly. I’m not exaggerating. All day every day I think about wanting a baby, how will it happen, when will it happen. I probably never go an hour without thinking about. Those on the outside would say that’s obsessive, unhealthy, that I need to take a break and not think about it so much. But they just don’t can’t understand. I know that all my fellow IFers are in the same boat. I’m so glad the internet exists at a time like this.

To update since my last post in September, I have continued with Prometrium (progesterone), and in October my RE added Clomid to hopefully produce more eggs and increase our chances. The prometrium no longer keeps my period from starting, I will spot at like 13DPO, which is still okay because that’s a long enough Luteal Phase. The Clomid on the first cycle gave me headaches and made me super bloated, and second cycle I had no symptoms. I have noticed thought that my periods are way shorter than they have been. A side effect of Clomid can be thinning of the uterine lining so maybe that’s why.  I am now starting cycle #14, and am officially infertile, with the diagnosis being unexplained. Silver lining is that now when I say I’m infertile, well meaning friends and family can’t say “You’re not infertile, you don’t know that, just give it time!” because even my doctor says I am! Okay, they will still say these stupid things because that’s what well-meaning friends and family do. But at least I have a decent reply now.

This month will be our first IUI. I have really mixed feelings about it. I want to be excited but I just feel like it won’t work. I think that’s normal, and that most IFers don’t feel like anything will work right up until the moment it does. I’m just having a really hard time feeling hopeful. Husband and I agreed that we will do 4 IUIs, and if they don’t work we are stopping treatment and moving on to adoption. I know this is abnormal, I have yet to read any blogs where someone didn’t do IVF before moving on to adoption. I suppose I will expand on why I don’t want to do IVF and my thoughts on adoption in later posts, which maybe will get me to actually post! I am going to try for once a week. It’s just not good to have all these thoughts in my head and nowhere to put them.

My best friend, who started TTC a few months after we did, is due any day. I had a really hard time in the beginning being there for her. She had a really difficult pregnancy and it as SO HARD to listen to her complain and not want to slap her. And I know she was trying not to complain too much because she knows it’s hard for me. We were just in this really weird place where I felt alone because I can’t get pregnant and have no one who understands, and she felt alone because she is pregnant and miserable and prior to 12 weeks so she wasn’t telling people, and couldn’t even share with her best friend. We got through it, and now I am super excited to meet her baby girl. I was thinking the other day that if someone would have told me when she was first pregnant that I still wouldn’t be pregnant when she gave birth, I may have just died. I can’t believe it’s been a year. It’s somehow gone by so fast and yet feels like forever.

As much as I hate the position I’m in, I would never want to trade places with any of my fertile friends. I would not wish this on anyone, and I feel like for whatever reason I am well equipped for this journey. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a pragmatist or what, but I just know I can get through this. Some of my friends either have no insurance or no money, or have already had so much heartache in their life, I feel like this would bee too much. I mean it IS too much, for me even. Somehow I just keep on truckin. I guess because I have no other choice.

Anyway, those are my ramblings on where I’m at now. I promise to come back in the near future. Not that anyone reads this, but maybe they will if I actually post, eh?!

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2 responses to “Unexplained Infertility

  1. I’m reading 🙂 Good luck on your first IUI!

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