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What a Day (with photos)

on November 12, 2013

I am exhausted! I work at a financial institution, so I have every federal holiday off. Today (CD12) I paid a visit to the RE for a follicular dynamic ultrasound (to count maturing eggs and check uterine lining). I was greeted by my old friend Mr. Dildocam. Something tells me y’all are familiar with him. Here he is saying hi

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I was nervous going into the ultrasound that my uterine lining wouldn’t be sufficient. This is my third consecutive cycle on Clomid, and my period seems to be getting lighter each month. I know that Clomid can cause thinning of the lining, and I was afraid it would be so affected they would have to cancel the cycle. My first cycle with Clomid was monitored, and my lining was 13mm. I had one follie that was 23mm, so it was right before ovulation. That sucker was about to pop.

This time, the lining was 9mm. Definitely down from 13, but 7 or higher is sufficient from what I understand. AND I had TWO follies! On the right was an 18mm one, and on the left 16mm. I was super excited to have two, even if they were a bit smaller than last time. The RE said I could get a positive OPK tomorrow, but it might take a few more days for the follies to get big enough. I am on the watch!

I also decided today that I would paint our spare room. We bought this house about a year and a half ago, and I painted all the rooms (I hate white walls) except one. We decided that would be the baby room, and I would paint it when I got pregnant as part of the nesting ritual. Well, that room has been sitting there white and waiting for over a year now, and I’m sick of the daily reminder that it doesn’t have an occupant. This is it’s boring look before.

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It has been occupied by my digital piano, the elliptical and ironing board. Super depressing room. I wanted to paint it a happy and gender neutral color, so I went with kind of a teal color called “Conzumel.” It took me the better part of the day, and i am really happy with it

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I think it will feel nice to have one less reminder, and one less thing that I am putting on hold in hopes that a baby will come. The other night The Husband and I had one of those serious talks you have semi-regularly when you’re in the IF trenches. It started with me asking him if we could talk theoretically about adoption. We had decided prior to this first IUI cycle that we will do 4 IUI’s, and if we have no success we will look into adoption, which timing wise would most likely be next summer. I asked him whether he would want to do domestic or international adoption, and infant or baby or older child. Eventually the conversation came around to me telling him that I would want to go to the agency I’ve picked out as a good fit as soon as the 4th IUI cycle is over, to get the ball rolling.

I should note that normally, The Husband is the researcher and I’m the ‘by the seat of my pants’ type. Before he bought his car he researched different makes and models for months, and he did the same before he bought our TV. He likes to have a plan and know what’s down the pipe. I, however, tend to just make decisions in the moment with whatever information I have and play things by ear. For some reason, when it’s come to our infertility journey, we are flipped. The Husband just relies on me to give him pertinent information and we make general timeline and ‘what’s next’ plans every few months. Beyond that, he researches and thinks about nothing but what we’re doing right now. I, on the other hand, am always getting acquainted with the next step. By the time we went to the RE I already knew everything they would ask and every test they would most likely do. Nothing came as a surprise to me and I felt at ease with the whole process. Similarly, now that we are in the IUI process, I am looking into adoption so that if we come to that I am prepared. The Husband is not interested in boarding that train of thought yet, so I was shocked he was even willing to have this conversation.

So when I said I want to transition to adoption right away when/if we discontinue treatment, he was freaked out. He said “but we agreed to look into adoption next summer.” And I was surmising we would probably wrap up the 4th IUI in April. He just got this arbitrary idea of “June” and was totally freaked out that I wanted to do it sooner. I’m not even saying I wanted to do it sooner, I was just saying I would want to at least start getting information pretty soon after stopping treatment, which I had previously approximated would be in June. I got upset that he was telling me that he didn’t want to even think about it, at all, until June at the earliest. What I heard was more waiting. He said this was all a lot to deal with and he would need a break. What I heard was I would have to wait longer. That’s all I heard. I cried and he got mad and said I was being unreasonable, and then I explained how hard waiting is and him asking me to wait more is hard for me to digest. And that I want to be a mom so bad and it hurts all the time. Then he was nicer and held me while I cry.

I asked him if he ever gets sad. I have asked him this before, and he has said he does, but he really never emotes or shows how he is personally affected by all of this. It makes me feel like I am a mess and he is just chillin over there like ‘no biggie.’ He said he sees no reason to tell me if he gets sad, that it doesn’t help anything. So I told him that I feel so alone in all this and of anyone, I need him to be with me, and that means I need to know how it affects him. He admitted to feeling sad when he saw fathers and sons, and that he had felt bad that day when he was helping his friend move, seeing him with his kids. I still don’t think he will ever volunteer this information, but every once in awhile I have to squeeze it out of him. He comes from a family that doesn’t talk about their feelings, and I come from one that talks about them constantly. He has come a long way in his communication, but asking him to pour his heart out without provocation is a bit too much right now I think.

I haven’t had a good cry in a few months, so it was therapeutic if nothing else. Now I majorly crash from painting-induce exhaustion. Hoping I get a positive OPK tomorrow!!!

On a sad note, my friend who just had her first IUI got her first BFN, and I’m supper sad for her. Another girl I was chatting with on the TTC boards I’m a member of found out that her pregnancy after her first IUI isn’t viable at about 5 weeks. I’m so sad for her, and so scared in being reminded that a BFP does not equal a baby. It’s still such a long road ahead and both these ladies are in my thoughts.

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2 responses to “What a Day (with photos)

  1. Katie says:

    I can relate to so many topics you commented on, from the un-emotional husband to the need to have a plan B (or C or X!). Good luck with this upcoming cycle!

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