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Thoughts at 4dpIUI

on November 17, 2013

Oh two week wait, what a tangled web you weave. I am constantly catapulted between the most glorious hope and the most depressing stoicism in regards to if this IUI, our first, will work. A list of things I am thinking and doing, in no particular order

Taking my progesterone suppositories twice a day, and thinking I should have bought stock in panty liners. Also trying to plan non-babymaking sex around said suppositories. These important vag pills give me a nice chalky white discharge all the live-long day, AND they act as an almost anti-lube. It’s like I’ve got non-skid tape down there. So I am trying to plan a time after the first dose, then a shower a few hours later to rid myself of most of the chalky business, but before the evening dose and with lots of lube. Sexy, no?

-Taking my Chinese herbs twice a day, and feeling guilty for not taking them more. My Acupuncturist gave my implantation herbs…wait no, she didn’t give them to me, she advised that I purchase them from her at $20 a bottle and told me to take three of them three times a day. But the smallish bottle would only last about 6 days at that rate, barely enough time for an implantation, so I am taking three pills twice a day to make them last longer. In previous months (before the IUI) she was having me take two pills three times a day, so I figure if it’s the same total amount it should be good, right? I have a really hard time remembering to take them mid-day when I’m at work. Oh, she also advised me to take more Progesterone because it won’t hurt anything and might help. But considering that she’s not a doctor, I double checked when I had my IUI and they said 200mg a day is plenty.

-Obsessing about HPTs, and when to take what variety. I know we’ve all told ourselves and each other not to test early. Has anyone actually taken their own advice on that? It’s irresistible. I tried to curb this by only buying expensive digital tests instead of internet cheapies and having only two in the house, to take on 14dpo and 16dpo. Then I tell myself this will keep me from testing early because 1.I only have two tests and I hate buying them, so I will preserve them and 2. It will keep me from testing early because digital tests don’t let you see if there is a super faint line, just give you a yes or no. Problems with this theory are that 1. My friend didn’t get a positive on a digital test until like 17dpo and OMG what if I think it’s negative and stop progesterone and cause myself to miscarry and 2. I really want to know if I am going to get a positive before 14dpo (day before thanksgiving) so I can go get a beta test and find out if we’re maybe viable before spilling the beans, even to The Husband. So I caved, hit up Amazon, and ordered 25 Wondfo HPTs (which are cheap and quite sensitive), and some more ovulation tests, which brings me to:

-Ping-ponging from one second to the next either thinking this is totally of course going to work and totally of course not going to (and who do I think I am anyway?) I just don’t even know how to feel. This is the treatment that should work, right? My theory at this point is that my cervical mucous hates The Husband’s sperm and has refused to let it into Club Uterus. The IUI gets around that, so this could work, couldn’t it? Then again, we don’t really know what the problem is so it could really not work, at all, ever. I keep thinking of the title of Obama’s book “The audacity of hope” and it feels very applicable here. Okay, I didn’t actually read the book (sorry Mr. President) but it just sounds like how I feel. How dare I sit here and think this will solve all my problems? What makes me so special that I can get pregnant after one IUI when so many others take multiple IUIs, or IVFs, or never get pregnant at all? It’s almost like I feel guilty in advance for potentially getting pregnant so “easily.” I put that in quotes because it really hasn’t been easy compared to your average fertile girl, but compared to most IFers, getting a BFP after one IUI is a freaking cakewalk. It feels like I’ve just found this community I belong to who understands how hard this is, and then I will just betray them all and get pregnant and walk away. It’s weird. I want so much to get pregnant, and to stay pregnant, but part of me feels like if it doesn’t work, I will just be enveloped even more into this club of chicks who couldn’t make a baby if their life depended on it. I could never share this feeling with anyone else, and maybe even other infertiles will think I’m nuts, but for some reason this thought exists in my head. How fucked up is that?!

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