No Bun In This Oven

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Green Monsters

on November 22, 2013

Welcome to ICLW (forgot to say that before). A little background on me…

I’ve been TTC since November last year. I have a luteal phase defect, so my cycles were very short for most of the first year, meaning this is actually my 14th cycle. After crying, acupuncture, vitamins, and more crying didn’t work, I finally went to an RE in July. We tried some meds to help the the LPD and she also put me on Clomid, but still no dice. I had my first IUI on November 13th and I am currently 9dpIUI and already caved to taking early tests. So far negative, but I still have a glimmer of hope.

I am really struggling with my feelings towards my best friend, who had a baby about a week ago. I thought it was difficult when she became pregnant while I was still struggling. She had a very healthy but very uncomfortable pregnancy and it was awkward for us to find a way to relate to each other in a way that didn’t offend either of us or leave either of us feeling unsupported. It got easier to be happy for her, and I threw her a beautiful baby shower within a week of my first appointment with the RE. I thought I had found a way to deal.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I’m feeling now that the baby is here. I love her so much, and of course I anticipated my feelings of longing and jealousy for the simple fact that my friend is now a mother to a beautiful baby girl. What I didn’t expect was how much her becoming a mom and joining that club would leave me feeling so incredibly…left behind. And so quickly. I make an effort to text her and ask how the baby is doing, and how she’s recovering. Already it’s like I am so on the outside. Before we talked so much together about what we hoped to do as parents, our ideas about labor and delivery, cloth diapering, breastfeeding. We were free to theorize and plan and talk about how our plans might not work. Now she’s crossed over into no longer talking about these things, she’s doing them. She is finding out how difficult breastfeeding is and retracting her judgements about women who choose to stop. She’s waking up all night and giving first baths and posting so many pictures on Facebook like she said she wouldn’t do. It’s so amazing to see her fall so naturally into her role as a mother, and it’s so incredibly painful to lose her to a world that I’m not being permitted into.

I know that all close friends experience a shift in their relationship when one has kids and the other still doesn’t, but the fact that I want one SO BADLY and can’t have it makes it feel so much worse. Though she would never say this to me, it feels like she’s thinking “you just can’t understand, you just don’t know.” And I don’t. But I would give anything to know what she’s going through. It almost hurts to much to ask. I actually considered taking her out of my Facebook feed because the constant pics of the baby break my heart. But I can’t do that. I can’t not see her growing up already, not be involved in my best friend’s life. As much as it hurts, I love them both and I’ll have to get over it. But this transition really sucks.


9 responses to “Green Monsters

  1. Becky says:

    oh my gosh, this post could have been written by me (with the exception of the dates). My best friend has a 1 year old and I had issues with feeling like I was left behind- I also threw her a baby shower and that was really hard, because we had just started trying ourselves. it’s still hard to hang out with her- his birthday party was really hard- I had to leave right after the gifts had been opened…

    I know how you are feeling. I wish I could tell you it gets easier to deal with…. Everyone is different, but Fertiles just don’t get what we go through just to experience the joy of our own child.

    Hang in there!!!!!!

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      Thanks Becky, glad to know others feel this way.

      • Becky says:

        One thing I found that helps me not blow up in her face is to take little breaks from her… go a week or two without talking, texting, etc… I find that by ignoring her for a little bit helps me to “settle down” and not let the things she does or says bother me…

        I don’t know if you can do this or not, but it’s maybe worth a shot…

  2. Rachel says:

    Hi from ICLW!

    My BF of 19 years (we’ve been inseparable since we were 8) is about to have her fourth. This is the only one she planned and she got pregnant the first month after being on an IUD and Depo for 3 years. Prior to that each time she missed a pill she got pregnant. I went through some of the most confusing times imaginable trying to keep our relationship while going through my own infertility issues. But, in the end, she is my oldest and dearest friend and eventually – I promise – it gets easier. It took the first year and a bit before she stopped thinking only of the baby and baby milestones, and started being able to have more variety in our conversations – thus making it easier to connect. But right now, your friend is into something completely new and that’s all that’s preoccupying her thoughts. Eventually, the baby will get older and she’ll be open to more topics – and then you’ll be able to reconnect.

    I know exactly what it feels like to love someone so much, and yet find them so painful. It does get easier though, I promise! Just give her some time to adjust to her new role, and give yourself the bit of space you need. Hiding the feed is a great idea – then you can wait until you’re feeling stronger and then go look at them but you’re not having them thrown at you in your toughest moments. You have the control on what you see and when you see it.

    Good luck navigating this new phase, and remember to be kind to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with taking a step back to protect your feelings.

  3. megsnyc says:

    Hello from ICLW! I totally relate to what you’re saying about your best friend. My best friend got pregnant the month I had my second miscarriage. She had told me for years that she didn’t think she wanted kids, but then she changed her mind. It was so painful and it took me awhile to be remotely okay with it. What made it worse is that I obviously love her a lot and was thrilled that she decided she wanted to be a mom. So I felt guilty for being jealous/hurt/angry when something good was happening to someone I love. Ultimately, I got pregnant again, and that has made it more tolerable. But the thing is, I still feel differently because it was so hard for me to get pregnant and I’ve had miscarriages, whereas she got pregnant easily and has never had a miscarriage. So while I’m glad we can talk about certain things without pain for me, we just approach pregnancy from a different perspective. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, I know that I would feel *very* similarly to what you are describing. Motherhood is huge and it connects people, and if you can’t be in the club and you want to be, it’s so tough. Fingers crossed that IUI does the trick for you as it did for me.

  4. Kasey says:

    Happy ICLW! I know exactly how those feelings go about a friend having a baby and still struggling with IF. I wish I could say it gets easier, but sometimes the only thing that helps my emotions is distance. Hoping this is it for you guys!

  5. InfertileMyrtle says:

    Thank you all for your kind words:)

  6. PNG says:

    Hi from ICLW and thank you for your open and honest post. I admire you for wanting to fight against your feelings, I just simply took distance when in your situation. (I also told my friend, that I was having a hard time facing her and her baby at that moment.)

    Luckily though, things lost can sometimes be found again, even friendship. And just as IF separates you from some, it makes you closer to others.

  7. rosiedd78 says:

    It is so hard to navigate these types of relationships when you are dealing with IF challenges. It’s isolating and lonely. And you think that of all of the losses you must go through on a monthly basis, you also lose some friendships along the way. Not that I think this friendship is lost, but probably changed some. I think that with time it does get easier. I had a VERY hard time dealing with the birth of my niece last year, but I was able to visit with her comfortably 10 months later.. (see my grimaced face). It took a while for me to warm up and not feel such intense jealousy and despair about the situation, but I got there (it is my husband’s brother’s baby). Anyway, my advice FWIW, is don’t try to force yourself to do something you don’t feel okay doing. It is too hard to pull yourself out.

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