No Bun In This Oven

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How to take a Pregnancy Test

on November 24, 2013

1. Wake up and think “it’s time” then make your way to the bathroom
2. Remove the test from the wrapper and read the directions again, just to make sure (3 seconds in the pee, 5 minutes on the clock, got it)
3. Either pee in a cup and dip the stick, or pee on the stick (I am a cup fan myself).
4. Lay the test flat as per the instructions, and probably also obscure the results window from view. Start the timer.
5. Busy yourself for the allotted time. I usually choose to fiddle with my phone. If you did not obscure the results window as directed, you will inevitably glance at the test for a half a second, then stop yourself. You then might think you saw a line.
6. At the end of the allotted time, look at the test. There will be a control line, but no test line. The result is negative.
7. Hold the test closer to your face. No line.
8. Hold the test closer to the light. No line.
9. Take the test over to the window to view it in a more natural light. No line.
10. Tilt it this way and that. Wait, is that a line?!! No. No that’s just the indent where the test line would appear if it were positive. Definitely negative.
11. Throw the test away and repeat in 24 hours.

I am only 11dpo today so my resounding BFN should come as no surprise. I’m still thinking this cycle is a bust, because I’m a glass half empty kind of gal.

Today I logged onto Facebook to find a picture of two of my good friends (one the aforementioned friend who just had a baby) and their little ones. It was very “mom club.” Which is great for them, but sucks for me. I decided to deactivate my Facebook for now. It just serves to make me feel shitty more than anything else. I didn’t make some “I need a break from fb” declaration, I didn’t even tell The Husband. I just thought enough was enough and, like the lovely commenters said on a previous post, I need to protect myself.

Also, for those of you who played the Two Truths and a Lie game, here are my answers!

1. I once won second place in a lap dance contest in Mexico. TRUE! I was 21 and had just broken up with my boyfriend. All my clothes stayed on, but I can’t say the same for the girl who won…

2. I have been a vegetarian for nearly ten years. TRUE! Technically I am a pescatarian since I eat fish, but I have not touched any land animals since 2004

3. I have been skydiving 5 times. FALSE! I get horrible motion sickness, so if the plane ride up didn’t kill me, the dropping sensation of the fall would. No thanks!


9 responses to “How to take a Pregnancy Test

  1. Hi from ICLW. I’m sorry about the BFN, but you’re right – it’s still early! 🙂 I hope you get a BFP very soon! I totally identify with your steps, and I’m a pee in a cup kind of gal too. 🙂

  2. jen says:

    You forgot step 12, dig the test out of the trash can an hour later, then 6 hours later, and stare some more. Then take it outside to the trash so you can’t look at it anymore. Sigh……
    Sending prayers you get that BFP!!! Happy ICLW!

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      OMG Jen, very important step that I missed. I also missed “take another test with SMU because some random chick online got a better result with it”. Tried that one this morning, didn’t work!

  3. Becky says:

    I am also a “pee in a cup” kind of girl- I took a small one from our kitchen, marked it all over the outside with big black X’s so that no one will EVER EVER EVER drink out of this cup EVER again!!

    I also hope that you get a BFP in a few days… I was told that they wouldn’t even do a beta for me until 14 DPO… So give yourself a few more days, and keep the hope alive!!!!

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      I know I’m not supposed to test until 14 DPO, but when you have a big old bag of Wonfo’s it’s too hard to resist! I should have The Husband hide them from me so i have to ask him for one. I wouldn’t take nearly as many if he knew about it!

  4. Furrowed Fox says:

    Stopping by from ICLW. I was always an early POAS addict and can totally relate. Except I never set a timer. I just walked away and came back to it when I felt ready. 😉 FX for a different result tomorrow!

  5. rosiedd78 says:

    Hi from ICLW. I totally support deactivating FB. I have taken breaks in the past, but recently discovered the app “unbaby me” which you can install into chrome and it automatically searches for words/posts you tell it you want removed. So all potential baby/pregnancy photos are gone! I love it because I feel more in control. And I’m not strong enough to delete my account altogether.

  6. Susan says:

    This post, while a bummer that your test was BFN made me grin. I go as far as taking the test back out of the trash “just to see if it changed” and then taking it apart to REALLY make sure there is no second line. I admire your restraint of throwing it away and waiting 24 hours 🙂

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