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Over and Out

on November 29, 2013

Happy Thanksgiving y’all. What do I have to be thankful for? Lots, to be sure. A wonderful husband who is doing a mostly good job of supporting me emotionally through this. Amazing parents who I can tell anything, who understand me. A job I love, a roof over my head. I know I am very lucky.

But I also know I am infertile, and that blows. And that I got my period today, and that means my IUI didn’t work. And that one of my best friends said something really shitty to me. So I am thankful, but I’m also sad.

The friend in question I have known since I was 4. She lives a few hours away and I only see her a couple times a year, though I did go visit her last month. She is on this big self help kick and has said things to me before about the power of positive thinking. This didn’t really bother me because I know she’s trying to be helpful and really not trying so say that I would get pregnant if I had a more positive attitude, so I just ignore it. Today, she noticed that my Facebook was inactive and asked why. I let her know that I needed a break because all the babies and pregnancies were just making me sad. A couple texts later she said this:

“Yeah. But girl, you just gotta remember, you are only 29. 29! You are soooo young and have so much time to “start” a family. You have at least 8-10 years. 8 years ago you were 21 and getting wasted and dating that silly boy and look how much things have changed. There is only a self-perceived sense of urgency with this. And when you are 70, looking back on your life and family and your kids, you won’t even remember this one or two years of being sad. Positive thoughts. ”

Um…I’m sorry, did you REALLY just tell me that I shouldn’t be upset that I’m infertile because I’m only 29, AND THEN have the audacity to say that this horrible, stressful, painful time in my life won’t matter later? AND THEN tell me I needed to think positive? What I wanted to say was FUCK YOU” but what I really said was this:

“That’s really easy for you to say. You really don’t know how this feels. I understand I have time, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. ”

Then, instead of apologizing for being a total dick, she said that she does know what it’s like to not be able to have what other people can, because she’s gay and can’t get married (she lives in Oregon where it’s not yet legal) and she and her partner could never have kids together. The thing is, she isn’t sure that she ever wants kids, and if she did have kids she would want to adopt. That’s always been her thing. And she doesn’t believe in marriage either!. So NO you don’t know how I feel. You don’t know what it’s like to want something so bad and not know if it will ever happen. Regardless of whether she knows how I feel, it was still incredibly rude. So after she asserted that she does know how I feel, I said this:

“You don’t want kids right now. I don’t think this conversation needs to continue, but for the record it does not comfort me to have someone tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do and that it won’t matter later. I know you’re trying to be positive but it didn’t feel good. Love you. ”

Thankfully she ended it and just said Happy Thanksgiving, but obviously things are now awkward. I mean who the hell is she to tell me I shouldn’t feel this way? What the hell kind of friend is that? Thankfully, my other friend who I’m much closer to (just had the baby) was coming over for dinner so I showed her and she agreed that other friend was way out of line. And when I told her I deactivated my Facebook, she understood. Even though it’s her baby I’m avoiding at times. At least I’ve got her.

We are taking December off from meds and IUI’s and will do another in January. I am thinking about asking my RE about doing a trigger shot. So far we haven’t done it and I wonder if it helps success rates. Anyone know the benefits of using one?

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15 responses to “Over and Out

  1. paradoxofblue says:

    I know your pain. I had an equally unpleasant experience with my MIL as we were leaving her house after Thanksgiving dinner. As I am putting on my coat she gets in my face and smiles all sweetly and says, “Call me next Friday, ok?” Of course I am confused, not sure what the heck she is talking about. I was like “Uhhh why?” She smiles again, as if I find that comforting and says, “You went for your thing, right? So you’ll find out Friday, right? So call me and let me know.” I was like, “Uh no, I’m not calling you or anyone until I know for sure and I am safe.” The last thing I want is to toot my own horn and then find out it’s a chemical or worse, ya know? She doesn’t frigging get that and she gets all bent out of shape over it. I just walked out the door. My husband told her, “She doesn’t want to jinx it. When she is ready she will let everyone know.” Like I need more stress…it aggravates me to no end because she’s like, “Hurry up and give me a grandbaby.” As if I’m not frigging trying. Yeah. I fucking hate that woman. Sorry.

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      Ugh, I def learned the hard way not to tell anyone when the test date is. I have to remind myself that everyone who knows we are doing an IUI is a person who I have to tell when it doesn’t work. People think they have a right to be up in my business!

  2. Megan R. says:

    Hey Lady! I feel ike you and I are in the same boat. My Husband I and I got married in January, and I had been off BC since Nov, you know right after wedding get this baby train moving. After my 3rd cycle over 45 days I went to the doc. Lo and behold i have PCOS so all the BS give it time, it’ll happen sht is not in our cards. It has to be medical and has to be planned and has to be just freaking right. My husband has a job where is is gone half the month, every month! And four of the girls from my book club all prgeanant w/in a few month of each other, one being an oops, and one who got married in Marh and preggers by june!!! grrrr!! We are on our third IUI, 5th round using femara. Don’t know the results yet, still have another week to wait…. my test day is also my B-day, so it will either be the best bday or the worst!! and Suck it Kelly Clarkson is right!!

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      I saw her on the cover of a magazine at the grocery store and told my husband “look at that fertile motherfucker” and flicked her face. Very therapeutic. Good luck, hope you get a BFP on your bday!

  3. Susan says:

    I feel your pain. We’re on the “other side” but trying for #2 and it SUCKS when people don’t get it. I’m sorry your IUI failed, that adds insult to injury! We’re taking December off too, and will regroup in January-Hopefully that will yield good results for October babies! Hugs to you.

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      Me and my mom are both October babies, so I always did want one. Maybe this is one of those ‘be careful what you wish for” things whereby telling the universe I wanted an October baby I will darn well get one!

  4. Kasey says:

    I HATE when people say “Oh yours only 28 you have time!”…. well folks I was “only 25 when we started”. Meh. touch subject for me, but I agree it doesn’t matter your age. Infertile is still infertile!

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      Right?! Like they think the younger you are the better your chances! But if your IF isn’t related to egg reserve or other age factors, it doesn’t make much of a difference. And in fact infertility in someone so young should be more cause for concern!

  5. Becky says:

    I had a family member say the same thing to me on Thanksgiving- “Oh, you have plenty of time. I was 34 when I had my first.” Gee, thanks for understanding how important this is and that my story is going to be EXACTLY like yours. Never mind that we tried for over 15 months. I wish I could have told them we are expecting, but we’re waiting till Christmas.

    I’m sorry this friend of yours was so insensitive. Hoping you have a peaceful holiday and end up with an October baby!!!

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      Boo, why do people think this is comforting?! If someone who was worried they would never get married or get a good job heard “oh don’t worry, I didn’t find love or a decent job till I was 40!” They wouldn’t be comforted! They would think “SHIT! I’m going to be stuck here till I’m 40?!”

  6. Katie says:

    I too am 29, and I HATE when people say that I’m still young. A big reason is that I never envisioned myself having just one child and if I just “starting” now, then how does that put my odds next time. This fantasy that everyone can have kids at 45 because Hollywood does it is bullshit and damaging. And the “just relax” notion does a nice job of blaming the victim. Relaxing doesn’t cut when there is a legitimate medical issue with your body. My sister and and I are also in that awkward, post blow-up, phase so I feel your pain. This too shall pass.

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      I feel the exact same way! If I am “so young” and having such a hard time, things are only going to get worse from here!

  7. Hey so now I’m creepin’ back over some of your older posts, and I too am wondering about the trigger shot. I’m going to ask about it at my next iui.

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      My RE said it doesn’t increase our odds but also doesn’t hurt anything, so we are doing it this cycle. I have to have it done in their office though, so The Husband won’t fulfill his dream of sticking me with a needle lol

      • Hm yeah I’m not sure what my office protocol is, but when I mentioned it to hubby he goes,”so I get to stick a needle in your ass?”. Glad the men find that amusing, ha!

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