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“Rest” Cycle Musings

on December 15, 2013

I am about 3DPO on our “rest” cycle. You know the one where I “just relax” and miraculously get pregnant? Though I have been able to get TTC off my mind much more than a medicated cycle, simply for the fact I don’t have to remember to take meds and OPKs at exactly the right time, I still think about it constantly. These are the things on my mind, in no particular order.

-Getting off Facebook was a really good move. Though I have felt somewhat disconnected as far as knowing what my friends are up to, avoiding the pain of seeing all their children’s smiling faces is totally worth it. The other day I needed to get on Instagram for something work related. Though I don’t use it or post pictures, I do have one and follow a few of my friends. When I logged in, I was met with dozens of pictures of my best friend’s one month old baby. There she was in different cute outfits and sleeping nose to nose with her mom, crying while laying on daddy’s chest, and wrapped up in a moby. I couldn’t stop looking, even though it was making me feel really shitty. After that unfortunate experience I was thinking about why it doesn’t bother me to see, in person, people and their kids very much, but social media is so depressing. Then I realized that it’s because social media is fake. We all already knew that blogs and Facebook and Instagram are places to paint a shiny perfect picture of your life for others to oo and ah at. They don’t show you all the struggles and difficulties of day to day life, and this is why they make me feel horrible. When I talk to my friend or see her and the baby she can tell me about the horrible diaper blow out they had at a restaurant and the night the baby cried constantly until 5am. These things don’t make me want a baby less, but at least they are real, instead of the greeting card “my life is perfect now that I’m a mom” illusion that people paint online. I plan on staying off Facebook for a long while, maybe forever.

-I decided that this cycle I was going to do all the things, to the extreme, that I haven’t been doing in case they negatively affect our chances of getting pregnant. This means lots of coffee, alcohol, tofu and whatever the hell makes me happy. I have literally had wine every day this cycle except one day when I was sick. As I type I am drinking a brown cow (Kahlu’a and milk). I know this is extreme, but I really need it. I really need to not feel guilty or like I am giving up all the little things that I enjoy for nothing. I’m not sure if I will go cold turkey for our January IUI cycle, but I will for sure cut back a lot. I am having a lot of superstitious thoughts about January. I mentioned in a previous post that I have always wanted an October baby and that’s the month to make them. Also, long ago before we ever started TTC The Husband and I talked about kids in the future, and I told him I wanted to have my first child before I’m 30. My birthday is October 9, so how crazy would it be to give birth just before that. My moms’ birthday is October 10, and it would be really wild to have a baby on October 8. It will never happen, but it would be pretty incredible. I know all these thoughts will make it hurt that much more if and when the cycle fails, but it’s hard to stop. My best friend got pregnant in February, so then I will think that maybe the February cycle (also the third, which is the charm of course) will be the one and our babies will be one year apart.

-Speaking of superstitions, my friend who is trying to get pregnant via IUI had her second one on Thanksgiving, and her wife was able to be with her this time (last time she was at sea because she’s a merchant marine). I was texting her just after the procedure saying how maybe the first one didn’t work because her wife was meant to be there when she conceived. She said “OH MY GOSH, I thought that same thing!!! That’s so crazy!!” and I said that no, it’s not crazy, because TTC makes you completely insane and superstitious, and anyone would draw that parallel. Unfortunately her IUI didn’t work, and she will be doing another this month that her wife won’t be there for. I think originally they only planned on doing three, because they have to use donor sperm and it’s so expensive, but I hope they try a few more. I really feel for them. Even if our 4 IUIs don’t work and we stop treatment, we will still have the chance of getting pregnant naturally someday. They don’t have that. These IUIs are their only chance. Hopefully for them the third times the charm.

-I actually ovulated on CD 14. Before I was ever medicated, I ovulated on CD 17 or 18, but starting clomid on CD 3 moved it up to 14. I decided to still take OPKs this cycle because I wanted to see if being off meds would have me revert back to my old late ovulation ways, but it didn’t seem to. Now I wait and see if I start spotting at 9DPO like I did before starting progesterone, or if I make it to 14DPO. I also asked my nurse at the clinic about using a trigger shot in January. She said there isn’t any benefit for me because I don’t have a hard time pinpointing ovulation, but that we can use one if we want. I think I might feel better using it just knowing our timing is perfect, but it sounds like I would have to go in and have them administer it. Anyone have other information about the benefits of trigger shots? I haven’t decided yet whether I want to use one.

-My mom finally came around and stopped insisting that nothing is wrong. In fact, she admitted that we may never get pregnant. She was telling me that her friend was going on about how she just knows we will get pregnant and there’s no way I’m really infertile. She said something like “I just know it will happen for her!” To which my mom said that there is no guarantee that we will get pregnant. That there are many women who are genuinely infertile, forever, and nothing makes me better than any of them. That we may never have a baby and it’s okay to acknowledge that. Now, a lot of people would find hearing their mom say this heartbreaking, but for me it was amazing. The Husband and I are both realists and are very in touch with the fact that this might not work. That doesn’t mean it wont be devastating if and when we stop treatment, but we are comfortable with discussing that possibility. Most people aren’t, and I get that. But until now my mom has said basically “I don’t think you’ve really been trying that long and I don’t think anything’s wrong with you.” Meant maybe to be positive, but really just felt like she thought I was crazy. She was even saying this around the year mark. I am so happy she’s on the same page with me now.

-I am going to my parent’s Christmas Eve party and anticipate all of my dad’s very open family asking me what the baby deal is. so I can look forward to repeating it 50 times, with a large glass of wine in hand.

The holiday season is the worst for us, ladies. I wish you all lots of strength.

 

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13 responses to ““Rest” Cycle Musings

  1. Brianna says:

    That’s so much stuff to be dealing with right now. I’m glad that you are using your month off to do things for you. I totally get the superstitions each cycle. I think it helps to keep our hope up, as a distraction to reminding ourselves how many times we’ve cycled or how long we’ve been TTC. As for the trigger shot, I don’t grow eggs on my own, so every cycle is a medicated cycle. We also do IUI’s, so we really want the accuracy of the timing. So, we’ve always done a trigger shot (ovidrel). This is a subq shot, so not in the muscle. Super easy to do (says the Type 1 diabetic who began receiving shots at age 2). Good luck this holiday season with navigating the inquiries. Just remember that this is your holiday, too, so take care of yourself.

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      Thanks for the feedback on triggers. My thought is, what if I’m the weirdo who o’s like 36 hours after the surge and we’re doing it too early or something. If it can’t hurt then why not, right?!

  2. Susan says:

    Can I say I’m jealous on many fronts! 1. Your mother “finally” gets it. Mine never did, and I don’t think still does now that we’re TTC #2. 2. You ovulate on a break cycle! WTF, how does that work? I’ve never done that before! So jealous! In all seriousness, enjoy your break and the holidays–and as for the inlaws–gather them all in one room with an “announcement to make” “Yo, family–I’m not pregnant, see glass of wine in this hand and bottle in the other. No, I don’t know when or if I will ever be. Now if you have any other questions please send them to shut-up-with-therudequestions.com and I will reply at the same time I get pregnant which could be tomorrow or never. Then guzzle the bottle 🙂 Hugs.

  3. Jennifer says:

    I came across your blog after researching laparoscopy. I just had my second. I suffered infant loss about 9 years ago and then divorce after. New husband and we’ve been infertile sine marriage 5 years ago. I was obsessed for the first 3 of those and it really hurt my marriage (and my sanity). Lots of research about ivf and adoption (which is much harder and more expensive than people think) and I decided to just let it go for now. I’m 39 and husband is 48 with 2 adult children from a previous marriage. One thing that was so helpful was everyone finally acknowledging that it probably wasn’t going to happen. Right now, I’m looking at a child free future and seeing the benefits, not just the disadvantages. Hopefully I’ll feel that way years from now, but if I don’t I can always return to adoption or fostering.

    I wish you luck and peace.

  4. Rebecca says:

    Hi from ICLW. Hoping that your next cycle will be the one.

  5. There is SO MUCH about this post that I absolutely love. I love your realism and your superstition admissions – you helped make me feel normal about all the ups and downs (mostly downs) of infertility.

    That is such great news about your mom coming around … I always found dealing with family to be the hardest part … their ignorant optimism in the face of the depressing facts I was dealing with really got to me. I would find myself being way more negative than my normal self just to counter-balance their blind faith that everything was going to work out and I was going to just get pregnant. It helps so much to finally have people on your side who are able to support you from a place of reality rather than fantasy …

    As to the drinking and being merry? Cheers girlfriend!

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      ‘Blind optimism” perfect description! I know they mean well; who would have thought someone insisting it will all work out could be so painful?!

  6. Rachel says:

    Hi from ICLW. I concur about social media. It’s all about painting a vivid, perfect picture. It shows these happy, sweet babies and their families enjoying the bliss of having a bundle of joy. Not the vomit covered, sleep deprived, diaper changing zombies that they usually are for the first couple months. I find social media either shows you the very best or the very worst – nothing in between. Nothing realistic. Then we’re stuck feeling inferior to something that isn’t even real – so how could we ever amount? We can’t, basically, is what it comes down to.

    I’m glad your mom came around. Mine hasn’t yet, but I hope she eventually will. Dealing with family is (for me) one of the hardest parts of being infertile.

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      I hope your mom gets there. I suppose I should ask mine what clicked in her head and made her stop saying “everything’s fine.” I would be curious to know.

  7. adoptchange says:

    Visiting from ICLW. I understand your need to get off social media all too well. Unfortunately while we were TTC and part of the time we were waiting for an adoption placement I worked on the social services side of the maternal child health field. It was brutal at times and I will always remember one day heading up the hospital nursery and my boss telling me I was going to need to get over it to keep my job. Needless to say I was happy to leave on my own terms a few months later. I strongly feel you have to do what it best for you and if being off Facebook, etc. is the answer then so be it. All the best!

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      There are some things that no infertile girl should have to do, and one is seeing other women mistreat babies we would die to have! Good for you for getting out of there!

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