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New Year Promises

on December 23, 2013

Hello and welcome, ICLW! Thanks to those of you doing good on your commenting, I have been failing miserably. I just can’t seem to find time so far. To bring you up to speed, my husband and I are diagnosed “unexplained infertility.” We had our first medicated IUI last month, which failed. This cycle (#15) was our first rest cycle since starting this crazy ride, so I have been drinking coffee and booze like crazy. I’ve been spotting and anticipate AF arriving any day now. We will be doing another medicated IUI this next cycle.

So how many of you are telling yourselves “this is our year”? This year I will get pregnant, have a baby, this year will be different. The new year offers new hope to start over, end the pain, become someone who just can’t stop posting pictures of your sweet baby on Facebook. Someone who doesn’t feel a lump in their throat when they see a pregnancy announcement. Someone who isn’t always waiting…

I want this year to be different. I know it will be in some respect. We will either get pregnant, or we will start the adoption process. That will be different from our experience so far. I want so much to be able to have a baby. And I also want off the infertility Ferris wheel. This rest cycle has shown me what a life not centered around trying to get pregnant can be like. I still knew when I ovulated and we certainly weren’t “not trying” but I didn’t feel guilty about drinking wine or coffee, freaked out that tofu would mess up my estrogen. I was able to just live again. I’m excited for the next IUI, but also dreading the constant obsessing, which is unavoidable.

One thing I can never leave behind is the pain. We could stop treatment, we could start moving towards adoption. Even after adopting I will still be infertile, it will always hurt. I just hope it doesn’t always hurt this much. I don’t always want to feel the pain of sitting in a bathroom stall looking at the blood spots on my underwear while overhearing my coworker talk about her pregnancy. I don’t want to feel the gut wrenching envy when a supervisor who just got married says she’s “afraid she might be pregnant.” I don’t want to have to stay of Facebook to get away from all the first steps and first words and general baby pride. I don’t want to feel like my best friend and I live on different planets, because she has a new baby that I can hardly stand to hear about. I just want it all to hurt less.

I hope in this new year I find peace. I hope I find a way to belong to the world in a normal way again. To feel less anger and envy. I hope we all find a little more happiness. And I really hope it comes from the joy of a child.

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9 responses to “New Year Promises

  1. Hoping 2014 is the year for you too! Stay positive šŸ™‚

  2. Susan says:

    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. May the next 365 days bring you peace, in what ever form that may be!

  3. T says:

    Definitely hoping 2014 is a better year for all of us. We just got a BFN on our first medicated iui cycle after a year-long break, so I’m totally binging on junk food and everything today before we start (yet another)… Definitely relate to that part of your post. šŸ™‚ Good luck with everything!!

  4. rosiedd78 says:

    I’ve got the same plan for 2014 – one way or the other I’m gettin off this ride. Hoping that it ends with giggles and snuggles for you, too.

  5. I pray that you find peace in 2014. Merry Christmas!

  6. We did a break cycle this month. My infertility clinic (or is fertility clinic?) shuts down their lab for annual cleaning every December. I think every infertile should “shut down” in December too. Press their restart button. I don’t know about you, but I needed to relax and have a few (several?) guilt free cocktails this month. Oddly enough, I have felt a lot of peace. I am not super religious, but in a desperate plea for comfort, I did pray that I’d get some this month. And I did. And it’s felt nice. I am hoping it sticks around. And I will magically get pregnant when I stop trying. Because that’s what all my friends tell me will happen. Barf. Just kidding. I just wanted to say that to see if you were paying attention. šŸ˜‰ Here’s to a hope filled 2014. Coming to you from ICLW (probably too early, but it’s my first month so give a girl a break!).

    • Mallory says:

      I’m also really glad that we took a cycle off. It was hard to get over feeling like you’re missing an opportunity to get pregnant, but being able to step back from it for a while was amazing!

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