No Bun In This Oven

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Infertility Without Religion

on December 26, 2013

I started my period yesterday. On Christmas. I also started my period on Mother’s Day this year. Considering we only have 12 “first day of period” days and 365 possible days to start, the odds if it starting any one day are like 3.5% I think. I suck at math, so I could be wrong, but that’s what I came up with. How is it that with such low odds I managed to hit two major family holidays? And mind you I started the last one the day after Thanksgiving, so I almost hit that mark too! The only answer is I have some really bad karma that I’m paying up on. Maybe it was when I drunk dialed my ex and told him he had a tiny penis.

I picture my uterus as Regina George from mean girls. She acts like she likes you and then does horrible things to you. Like when Regina told Cady that she would talk to Aaron for her, but instead she made out with him right in front of her. My uterus is like “no, look, I’m going to ovulate on CD 14 on an unmedicated cycle. I’ve changed, I don’t ovulate late anymore. Yeah, maybe you’ll even get pregnant on this rest cycle. See you’re 12 dpo and you’re spotting, but before the Prometrium your period would have started by now. Keep hoping! Hey look it’s Christmas, the day everyone spends with their kids enjoying the magic of the season. Oh hey, BTW you’re totes not pregnant, here’s your period and some wicked bad cramps. Love ya!” In the words of Cady Herron “THAT BITCH!”

A major theme I’ve noticed throughout the IF kingdom is “God’s Plan.” After a failed cycle, or a loss, or bad news, everyone is comforted by God’s plan for them and how this is all just part of it. First off, let me be clear that I’m not disparaging that. I completely understand why faith is a comfort and helps people understand why things happen. I just wanted to speak for those of us who don’t believe this is just a part of their life plan and it’s all for a reason.

I’m a ‘de-facto atheist’ which means that I don’t think it’s possible to know whether or not God exists but I’m inclined to think he doesn’t and live my life as though he’s not there. I was raised basically without any faith and so I don’t even have a religious background. The Husband was raised Christian, and still calls himself Christian though from what I can tell he doesn’t really believe in the bible and is more of a “higher power” kind of guy. We reached an understanding very early on that our children would not be raised in church. This was something that is very important to me and would have been a deal breaker.

So during this very emotionally difficult time, I imagine my thought process and coping mechanisms are vastly different from most of you. I don’t pray. I can’t, really, because it feels to silly. When I tried it went something like

“God, if you’re real (which your not) please give me a baby. Because I really want one. (But this is fake so it won’t work). Amen.”

I don’t posit that there is a larger plan for me and if I’m supposed to have one I will. I just think if the treatments work they do and if they don’t they don’t. I do tell myself that I will be a mother someday, somehow, because I know we can adopt though it will be a long and difficult process. I don’t believe “everything happens for a reason.” I just think through a combination of dumb luck and science I may or may not have a baby. There is nothing I can do to affect that other than stay healthy and follow doctors orders.

I can hear you all praying for me now. And don’t think that I haven’t considered whether having some kind of faith would make this easier. I have thought about that. Not that I could just miraculously become a believer. But I’ve come to the conclusion that, for me, not being religious has been a comfort. I don’t wonder and worry about what God’s plan is, or why he’s chosen to put me through this. I’m comforted by knowing that no amount of prayer or good deeds will make me get pregnant. I know that I’m doing all I can.

Again, this isn’t meant to disqualify anyone else’s beliefs. I’m glad that those if you who have a faith are able to lean on that for support and understanding. I just wanted to offer the view that it’s possible to get through this without it. So if there are any other atheist infertiles out there, they know they aren’t alone.


18 responses to “Infertility Without Religion

  1. Hear, hear! Nice to have another non religious sista out there! To each their own, just not for me.

  2. dogsarentkids says:

    We are also non-religious infertiles. Seems to me, there are just as many atheist empty wombs as Wicca and Christians, so I don’t see how it helps anyone. It helps you get through it maybe? I don’t know. If I super believed in God (I sort of do, but not super a lot), I would be fucking pissed he/she is screwing me even though I go to church every Sunday when I would rather sleep in.

    We call ourselves agnostic – because we sort of believe in some kind of higher power, but not “God.”

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      Yeah that’s kind of how I feel. Knowing there’s no rhyme or reason is easier for me than knowing it’s not part of my “plan.”

  3. Susan says:

    I fall into the agnostic category. I want there to be a plan, or a purpose…but then the shit (excuse me) hits the fan and I say screw this…if there was a benevolent God then where are the 4 children I ordered starting at 22, finishing at 30, 2 boys 2 girls 2 years apart? Yet Michele Duggar (whom I have no beef with) has 19 living children and 3 grand children. WTF??? Sorry, went off on a rant there…just want you to know you’re not alone! Hugs.

  4. I also got my period on Christmas. I don’t blame God or anyone else. This round I’m blaming science and how it changed up my cycle. I normally am more like 30-31 day cycles, but Clomid made me 28 days = bang on Christmas.

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      That sucks! I have been on prometrium since before clomid so I’m not sure how it would affect me on it’s own. It definitely made me ovulate earlier though.

  5. Rachel says:

    Hi from ICLW. I think, for all of us, just finding whatever it is that will help us to get through the infertility journey is more important. Whether it’s religion or science or pancakes on Saturdays – just something to help ease the heartache and make whatever sense we can of what our bodies and our relationships are going through. I started my journey without faith, and have started to find my way to it – so I know what it’s like to be on both ends of that and for me the latter is more comforting – but it’s all in what works for you and what can bring you any kind of comfort during all this TTC bull. When it comes down to it, whether we’re agnostic, atheist, christian, jewish or any other type of faith/nonfaith…we’re all infertiles and this journey pretty much sucks.

  6. Courtney says:

    Funny thing is that all the Christians saying “it’s all part of God’s plan” are not going through infertility. I am a Christian and the very fact that I’ve always been told God has a plan and won’t give you more than you can handle eats at my very being when it comes to infertility. I posted the beginning of December on a song you posted..since that time, we found out the IUI we had worked, only to end in my 5th miscarriage in 8 years just before Christmas (my last m/c was on Thanksgiving 2011 so I get the holiday pain) and this time we had every precaution in place so that the pregnancy would result in a baby so I’ve officially been diagnosed with unexplained recurrent loss which means adoption is our only option now (which is ok besides the fact it will cost more than a new car and could take 2 years or so) Talk about a smack in the face…God hates me is all I could think along with how could it be His plan for me to suffer like this? So to an extent, the fact you don’t believe, in a strange way, makes the whole thing a bit less agonizing.

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      Courtney I’m so sorry for your loss. I would have to agree with you that not being religious could make dealing with loss easier because you don’t have to confront the idea that the pain you’re experiencing is part of the plan. I wish you the best on your adoption journey!

  7. SciChick says:

    Here from ICLW. I’m an agnostic who is sort of muddled. While I don’t believe that there is somebody who is going to treat me well and take care of me planning everything, I am tempted to believe in destiny, and that is neither favorable or unfavorable…it just IS. I’ve had a few knocks along this route (recurrent pregnancy loss), and not expecting good things to happen has helped deal with all that more easily, for sure

    There have been some crazy coincidences along the way though which do make me wonder if there is a grand plan….for example…this:

    Its amazing how little we know, or understand.

    • InfertileMyrtle says:

      That’s amazing! It is hard to believe that everything is random when things like that happen. I can get on board with more of a Buddhist karma kind of belief, or that energy drives people together. Just not the benevolent man in the sky. I hope you get to meet your baby soon so they can join the sibling squad!

  8. Katie says:

    We should start Christmas Period Club… it sucks! I agree that there seems to be a lot of religiously oriented bloggers out there. I understand that it is their coping mechanism and is (hopefully) helpful for them, but it hasn’t been mine. I guess that blogging about God makes it seem like this the majority because it’s not as often that other’s blog about non-religous coping.

    • Mallory says:

      That’s exactly why I posted it. So many blogs talk a lot about God, which is fine, but it starts to make you feel like you’re the only infertile who isn’t religious. Now I know there are others out there!

  9. A. says:

    Ya, I’m with you on the “de-facto athiest” thing, or some kind of confused agnostic maybe. And the “God’s plan” stuff makes me want to choke people because the design of this is too cruel to be deliberate when crackheads and child abusers have kids. If that’s “God’s plan,” he’s blowing it; I call for impeachment! Except I’ve become a total hypocrite as of late–so f***ing pissed that I’m going through this thing that’s totally beyond human control that I need *someone* to blame. God seems like a good candidate, so now I suddenly believe he’s real?

    • Mallory says:

      I think when you’re raised in a culture where people reference God all the time, it’s kind of a reflex to pray if you think you’re going to die, or be mad at a deity that you don’t even believe in. I don’t think it means anything except that the power of suggestion is real, lol

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