No Bun In This Oven

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Cassie at Infertile Girl in a Fertile World nominated me for a Liebster Award! How cool is that! Yay for talking about things other than your broken uterus! Here are answers to the questions she chose:

Have you always lived in the place you are currently living, if not, what took you to where you are now?

I grew up about 2.5 hours North of where I live now. My parents and a couple close friends still live there and I visit pretty often. When The Husband and I started dating, I lived in my home town and he lived in another city about 2 hours south. After we’d been dating about 4 months I moved an hour further south with a friend, so we were only an hour apart. This was the status quo for a year, and then I convinced him that I should move to his city and live with him (no easy task). We lived in that city, which I hated, for a year before moving 45 minutes away to our current location, which reminds me a lot of my home town. In summary, I followed him south and then we moved together even further south!

What’s the best meal you’ve ever eaten?

This is hard to say, but whatever it was I’m sure it was some kind of Thai food. I’m obsessed with Thai food and could eat it every day. I worked at a Thai restaurant for over a year and still never got sick of it!

What ability or skill do you wish you had (I’m not talking super powers here…)?

I really want to learn to play the piano (I finally contacted a place about lessons today!) and I really hope to become proficient. I’ve never really had a special skill. Like when someone says “what do you do for fun?” I’m like “uh,…..sleep”

What was your favorite subject in school?

I always really loved English, but my two favorite classes were drama and yearbook staff. Don’t laugh! It was totally un-dorky at my school to be in plays and on the yearbook staff. Some of my favorite memories of school are staying late to work on those things.

What is your favorite movie of all time (or two, I’ll allow that because mine is a tie)?

Dirty Dancing. I’ve seen it so many times I can quote mostly the whole thing. That dance scene in Johnny’s cabin while they listen to “feel like cryin”? Damn!

In everyday life, what is your biggest pet peeve?

When girls wear little dresses and sandals when it’s freaking freezing outside. You don’t look cute! You look like an idiot! Put some damn pants on!

What is the #1 most played song on your iPod?

As of late probably “Stop for me” which is kind of my infertility jam. But the most listened to song of all time would be “Transatlanticism” by Deathcab for Cutie. It was the first dance at our wedding, and it’s just such a beautiful song.

If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?

My first though was Agent Scully from the XFiles. I am fully obsessed with the XFiles. If I think about it logically, the woman had her sister murdered, her child died, the other one she had to give up to keep safe, she was abducted by aliens and the love of her life died right before she found out she was pregnant. Sounds crappy, but she’s so badass I can’t resist.

What is your favorite book?

“She’s Come Undone” by Wally Lamb. I have read it probably at least 3 or 4 times. I highly recommend it.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

My first career aspiration was to be a Forensic Pathologist. I used to watch those crime shows where they used evidence in the lab to solve crimes and I thought it looked so cool. Then I found out Forensic Pathologists have to do autopsies and I changed my mind.


My Nominations!!

Katie at Birds, Bees and Medicine

Jenn at Dogs Aren’t kids

Megs at Work is For Suckers

How to play

If you choose to participate (why wouldn’t you? It’s awesome), no pressure, here are the rules to “accept” it.

  1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.
  2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”.

  3. Answer the questions that I give you below.

  • What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
  • When you really want to treat/reward yourself, what do you do?
  • What is your favorite quality about your partner?
  • What is your favorite quality about yourself?
  • Which character from the show “Friends” do you identify most with and why?
  • What is your favorite curse word/curse phrase?
  • What song would you want played at your funeral?
  • How old were you when you had your first kiss? (with details)
  • What is your greatest fear? (besides those related to IF?)
  • What foreign language would you like to learn most?
  1. Nominate as many blogs that you feel deserve the award.

  2. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers you have nominated to answer.

  3. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here)

Once you have accepted your MAJOR award by writing and publishing your “acceptance” speech, you then should inform the people/blogs that you have nominated them for the Liebster Award.  Also, you might want to provide a link for them back to this post or your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)




Information Overload

I’ve got so much goin on in this brain, chicks. Considerations about our next step in infertility treatments, my job. Okay that’s just two things but they feel like a lot in my head.

The Husband continues to amaze me with how he’s stepping up lately and being really involved in this process. He is reading a book called “how to make love to a paper cup” and apparently had no problem taking it to work and reading it openly at his desk. This led to some curiosity from his coworkers, and he shared that we’re struggling with infertility and considering our options. One of them mentioned that a guy who works for the same company but at another location has two kids that are adopted and that The Husband should talk to him about it. He emailed him and they arranged to get coffee Saturday morning.

I did not attend this meet up, but the lowdown was that this guy and his wife had a miscarriage (maybe multiple) and adopted because they couldn’t take the heartbreak of more losses. They conceived naturally a couple years later and had a bio child. Then they adopted again in 2010. Both their adoptions are international. He also gave us the email address of another couple they know who had a child adopted domestically, and suggested we reach out (I emailed but haven’t heard back yet).

That night we had another conversation about where to go from here. He said that after talking with the coworker, he is leaning more towards adoption again. Jeff (the coworker) volunteered that the way he feels about his adopted kids and his bio kids is not different; he loves them exactly the same. I think this was good for the husband to hear. Right now we are just waiting for IUI #3 (which will be on Feb 5th) and then we have a follow up appointment on February 26 to talk about what to try next. This is assuming the IUI doesn’t work. I know that it’s horrible, but I really feel it won’t work and I feel like I’m just doing it as a matter of course. Like we have to do 3 IUIs before we know we need to move forward. I have been drinking wine daily (a glass or two) and not really worrying about doing things perfectly. I just can’t bring myself to restrict and worry and think I have any control over it, because I don’t. I am still taking clomid, I have my appointment set up for monitoring and trigger shot. I’ve made all the arrangements, I’m just not invested.

The plan right now is to meet with the RE and talk about IVF; the cost, the success rates, shared risk plans. Just gather info. Then we will visit an agency that does domestic adoptions, and an agency that does international, and also gather information from both of those. Then we have to decide. I had sort of already decided on domestic adoption previously, mostly because children available internationally are usually older than a year. But now I’m just trying to be really open to all possibilities and look at each with new eyes. I have to say, though, that every time I look at international adoption I just feel so overwhelmed. I still think domestic adoption is what I will choose (who knows what The Husband will feel drawn to) but we’ll see. So that’s got my head spinning.

Then I find out today that a supervisor in my department may be giving notice soon, which means the position would be available. I was thisclose to getting it last time, and I don’t want to pass up the opportunity. But if we are going to do IVF, I know it would be a really bad idea to take on this new position and all the stress. I feel like it would be a disaster waiting to happen. So now I feel like I need to decide really quickly what path we’re going to take so I know if i should apply or not. TOO MUCH STUFF.

Okay now just me and the wine. My best friend.



Cycle #17, which means next month will be a year and a half. That feels significant; somehow every 6 months feels like some kind of marker. It’s a sad marker, because I’m still here not pregnant, and not any closer to being so. And it’s a “legitimately IF” marker too.

I’m sure a lot of you can relate to this, but when I first started to realize something was wrong I had a really hard time getting anyone to believe me. It was after only about 6 months, and I just had this feeling. Obviously, 6 months trying to conceive is hard for anyone. But it doesn’t mean you’re infertile. I understood that then and I understand it now, but that didn’t change how I felt at the time. After I had started temping and confirmed by theory that my luteal phase is too short, I knew for sure. 8 months in I felt like I was broken and just waiting until anyone would believe me, until I could get help. I was going crazy. My mom would tell me I just needed to give it time, everyone else was telling me to relax. Now I want to scream




As sad as I am to still be here, no one can ever try to tell me that I was just impatient, that I was always okay and it just took awhile. I don’t want to be broken, but if I am, goddammit I want people to acknowledge it and not claim I’m fine. The only thing worse than being infertile, is being infertile while well-meaning people try to tell you you’re not. So I am finding the silver lining in this 17th cycle, in that I am REALLY infertile, thank you very fucking much. Don’t tell me what I am and am not.

When I called my nurse at the clinic to let her know when I was CD 1 and talk about the plan, her voice mail said she was on “extended leave.” If I hadn’t had her do my last IUI and seen that she was pregnant, I wouldn’t have realized that she is on maternity leave. I facebook stalked her and saw that she had a baby girl on January 20 and named her Alexandria. Bitch.

I’m CD 3 today and starting Clomid. I haven’t had any symptoms with Clomid since the very first cycle I took it. It’s weird how some people get horrible side effects every time with meds and others get none. I hope this means that if we do IVF I won’t have as many mood swings and hot flashes from all the injectables, but that wouldn’t really be fair now would it?

Speaking of IVF, I actually looked a little bit at our clinic’s shared risk programs to see what our options will be. I don’t have any fantasies that we would get pregnant on the first try, so I am only willing to look into it if we can afford at least 3 cycles of IVF AND still adopt if they don’t work. My clinic uses the Attain program for IVF, and has two plans. One is open to anyone who is using their own eggs and you don’t have to pass any tests or meet certain criteria. You get four cycles, two fresh and two FETs. The other is a refund program, which you have to qualify for. Since I respond to clomid and our fertility is otherwise unexplained, I see no reason why we wouldn’t qualify. my understanding is usually people who don’t qualify either have really severe male issues, really bad endo or are poor responders. With the refund program you get 6 cycles, three fresh and 3 FETs, and if you don’t get pregnant you can get a refund of up to 70%. Of course they don’t list prices on their site, but I think they are about 25-30k which doesn’t include meds.

For anyone not familiar with shared risk programs, this is how I explained it to The Husband. We pay, upfront, the equivalent of about 3 cycles. We are taking the risk that we get pregnant on the first or second cycle, and paid more than we would have if we had paid for each cycle individually. We risk that our baby will cost more than it could have. The clinic is taking the risk that we don’t get pregnant within 2-3 cycles and they lose money because they have to give us more treatment than we paid for. And in the case of the refund program, they risk that they will actually have to give us our money back if it doesn’t work. Not that they need more motivation, but this does motivate the clinic to want to get you pregnant fast!

After this cycle, if it’s another BFN, we are taking a break on cycle #18 and meeting with the RE to talk about what to do next. I already know she is going to suggest IVF, so we just need to talk about what she thinks our chances are of it working how much it will cost. I have no idea whether she would suggest assisted hatching or ICSI. That’s really why the first cycle doesn’t usually work, right? They have to see how things go, if you need AH or ICSI. Maybe it turns out we aren’t getting pregnant because the swimmers and get into the egg. Who knows. Once we know how much it will cost, we can start to look at how we could pay for this. My thought is to take a second mortgage out on our house, but I have no clue how much equity we have. We only bought it a couple years ago and owe about 10k less than what we paid for it. Home values have gone up since then, but I don’t know how much. Borrowing money from The Husband’s parents could be an option, but we already borrowed money from them when we bought the house that we haven’t even started repaying yet. I don’t like the idea of owing them more. I’m already worried about how we will ever pay them back now that we are looking at paying for IVF, adoption, or both.

But I’ll worry about that another day.



A poem for ICLW

Waiting, watching, wishing
The days to by and
My arms as empty as ever

Never will I know the weight
Of a sleeping soul on my chest
That is part me and part him

Faking smiles and playing strong
Never letting anyone feel
Awkward or pity or worse

Saying something comforting
That is anything but
Everything happens for a reason

A cry, a kiss, a cuddle
A test, a tear, I break
I would trade my sleep for that

I may never know your love and
You will never know my pain
But the grass will always be greener

One difference we both know is true
That you wouldn’t give it up for anything
So I don’t give up


Time After Time

Today I woke up 13dpIUI and decided I should test. I didn’t have enough HPTs to test out the trigger, but when I did take one at 7dpIUI it was only very faintly positive. I laid in bed and googled how long it should take to be out, and most things said it should be totally gone by 10 days past. I thought about what I would do if it were positive. Assume it was false and test again in a couple days like I was supposed to. Unless it was a dark positive, because that would have to mean the amount of HgC had increased, and that it was really positive. What would I do if it’s negative? Keep taking progesterone and test again in a couple days like I was supposed to. I figured what would really happen is that I would check CM before peeing in the cup and there would be a tint of pink or red. Then I could just save the test. Okay, I had a plan.

I went in the bathroom and checked my CM. White, very white. No hint of spotting. So I peed in the cup, dipped the cheapie and set the timer. I saved the cup of pee in case it were positive and I wanted to take a digi. Gotta plan ahead in case hell freezes over, ya know? I put part of the wrapper over the results area so I couldn’t peek. Then I brushed my teeth and otherwise busied myself. I thought about the lack of rapid and linear sperm for the IUI. I thought about how sick I was at 6dpIUI (I ended up with a fever of 102 and out of work for two days) and how that could mean that my immune system were lowered and allowing implantation, or it could mean that my body attacked and burned up anything growing. And when the timer was up, I looked. And it was stark white. And in spite of myself and all the preparing and realistic thinking, I was very sad. There will be no October baby, I will not be a mom before I’m 30, once again my body failed to do what it’s supposed to. Again just like it did before, but somehow it doesn’t hurt less.

After I told The Husband, he hugged me and said he was sorry and we kind of thought that would be the case, and then he made me pumpkin pancakes before he went to work. I moped for a while, then got ready and went to a friends house to get lunch and help her pick out a wedding dress. In college, she lived in a house with 4 other girls. Three of them got married in 2013, and she and the other are both engaged. The one who got married in September got pregnant immediately and my friend broke the news as gently as she could after 12 weeks. Today at lunch, she told me that one of the other girls who got married in July is also pregnant. And the other who was engaged is ALSO pregnant…with twins. She said she has known for a while but there was never a good time to tell me. I guess the day I find out my second IUI failed is as good as any…Since this friend is getting married this July and I am her maid of honor, I will probably see all these girls and their babies. If not for that, she may just not have told me at all. She said how when they kept telling her one after the other that they were pregnant, she thought of me and how unfair it is, how easy it is for everyone else. And that out of everyone she knows, we are the most prepared to be parents. We waited until we were financially stable, saved up, got a family friendly car, it just makes no sense. Talk about preaching to the choir. She did  find her dress, and she looked amazing.

This weekend I went to my hometown for one of my good friend’s son’s first birthday party. On Saturday night The Husband and I watched my best friend’s two month old so she and her husband could have their first date night since the baby was born. The Husband even drove them to the restaurant and picked them up so they could both have some drinks. The baby tends to be fussy in the evenings, which i knew, so we spent much of the time walking and bouncing her. The husband gave her a bottle and I changed her diaper and got her jammies on. It was fun and felt good, like it should belong to us. But it didn’t feel sad. And on Sunday, when I helped frost cupcakes and make deviled eggs and set up the birthday party. When I watched my friends with their little ones and held the baby, I didn’t feel anything. The friends of mine who are also TTC with IUI were there, and when one wife was holding the baby, the other wife had so much pain in her face, seeing her partner holding that baby and wanting that for them so bad. they have had 3 failed IUIs so far. She asked me a while ago how I can do this, how I have been doing this month after month for over a year. she has only tried three times and has been beyond devastated. I told her that part of it is that after this long you aren’t really surprised when it doesn’t work, and also that I think I have become desensitized to it. Even today when I am very sad, I haven’t cried. I almost feel nothing.

I worry that I am becoming depressed. But I don’t notice any other signs besides this nothingness in my emotions surrounding infertility. Where I used to cry every month when I knew the cycle had failed, now I only cry at random times, maybe once every other month. I feel like I’ve put up a wall to it. How many times can you cry over the same thing? They say that the hardest part about infertility is that it’s a loss over and over, like losing a loved one every month. Sometimes I think my subconscious has already mourned the loss and is moving on even before I’ve stopped treatment. But if that’s true, why do I still have the capacity to be so disappointed? Why do I still want it so much if I don’t believe it’s possible?

I do know that after I left my friend’s house I could smell that baby on my hands. And that even if I can watch The Husband hold a baby without feeling that pang of longing, even if I can go to birthday parties and baby showers and compartmentalize others’ happy times as having nothing to do with my own despair, even if I can sit and hear about three women who have become pregnant without hardly trying just in the time I’ve been on clomid and laugh at the absurdity of it. Even if all of that is true, it’s also true that I am dying inside a little bit. That when I went to Target to pick up tampons, prenatal vitamins and wine, I felt like I was just a floating image of a woman trying to hold it together. Most of the time I feel fine and and am afraid it’s because I am about to break. I think how well I hold it together may actually be a bad sign.

Do you ever feel like screaming in a room full of people? Let’s say I feel like doing that a lot lately.


Stranger Vomit

I am SO.TIRED. Walking zombie style. I had really strange dreams which I attribute to the HcG from the trigger still hanging out (tested today at 6dpo, still faint positive). And I am super unhappy with the Husband. Let me regale you with a rant story that for once has nothing to do with TTC.

The Husband and I took a three day weekend to a little town in the mountains known for being quaint and snowy and beautiful in the winter. The Husband’s younger brother house sat for us. This is not the first time he’s done so. He is currently living with their parents and will take any opportunity to get out from MIL’s watchful gaze. So on Saturday night while we’re in the mountains (where it did not snow one flake but rained the ENTIRE time) BIL texted The Husband and told him that our dog ate pizza and threw up on the bed. First let’s clarify which bed. Guest bed, good. Now why was the dog on the bed? She’s kind of small and old and can’t jump that high. He must have put her up there, whatever.

So Sunday, we drove back from the very very rainy mountain weekend and stopped by the in-laws. They said BIL had taken over the comforter to be washed since the dog vomited on it. They had also washed the sheets. Hm…so the dog was IN the bed when she barfed? Kay…

We get home and within a few minutes The Husband notices that there are two shot glasses used. Seems that BIL had company. We didn’t tell him that was okay, he also didn’t ask…I’m not mad so much as curious. Then The Husband goes upstairs and sees that in the guest shower there are long brown hairs. I don’t use that shower, and I don’t shed that much. When I investigated the shower situation I noticed that there was what looked like a handprint and some other body part print on the mirror. So now I’m thinking BIL banged some chick on our bathroom counter, and maybe he had to have the bedding washed because it was covered in sex. Now I’m a little peeved. It’s one thing to have a guest over, without permission, and have sex in the guest bed. It’s quite another to do it all over the bathroom counter, and then not even clean it up. I think it’s poor form to do it in someone else’s bathroom when there’s a bed RIGHT THERE. I told The Husband that he needs to ask BIL if he did it in the bathroom so I can clean it properly. It was clean when we left and I may just not really tend to it again so soon…unless there’s jizz on the counter. The Husband said he wasn’t going to ask him because it’s none of our business. Um…it’s our house. So yeah. My business. He said that HE would clean the bathroom. HA! His idea of clean it no large items on the counter or floor. So I just put on the rubber gloves and set to work bleaching the thing. When I got around the rim and to the floor of the toilet, I noticed some red..stuff. Stuff that to me looked like evidence or poorly cleaned up vomit. In a renewed fit of rage I told the husband he better fucking find out if someone threw up in that bathroom. Finally he texted BIL and got that yes, he did have someone over, and yes they threw up in the bed and in the sink and toilet. So apparently the whole “dog puked on the bed” thing was a cover up. At this point, I wanted to know who it was. Who did he bring in to my home that barfed on my stuff and made him lie about it. Once again, The Husband said I was being nosy. Why did I need to know who? Uh so if it was some fucking hoodrat he met downtown I make sure all my stuff is still there?! After more yelling, he found out it was a girl from work.

So to recap: BIL brings a stranger into our house without permission, said person gets too drunk and pukes on the bed and all over the bathroom, BIL tries to clean it up and claims it was the dog, and I clean it up while The Husband sits on the couch and defends his brother’s right to privacy. There was a lot of yelling, going to bed angry and waking up angry. BIL did not apologize to me until I texted him to say that was not cool. The Husband never apologized for his brother’s behavior. I finally just dropped it, but suffice to say BIL will never house sit again.

In other news, I’m sick. I also got sick after my last IUI. Which is really rude because I can’t even take anything. Suck it, universe.


The Infertile Brain

“So today our friends Jeff and Jess who had two failed invitros this last year told us they are pregnant! All natural, she just entered her 2nd trimester. I know those types of stories are cliche, but OMG! I’m so happy for them, and continually so hopeful for you! Fertility is crazy shit that makes no sense.”

. It’s so weird how sometimes hearing another infertile achieving pregnancy gives you hope, and sometimes it just makes you feel jealous and shitty. No rhyme or reason really. Today this made me feel yucky, tomorrow maybe hopeful. How much fun to not know what to expect from your own thoughts!


IUI #2

I forgot to mention something in my last post about the monitoring appointment. When we were sitting there waiting for the doctor, I was just checking out the room and noticing a box of tissues. I started thinking about this room and all the excitement and sadness it sees. Kind of an “if these walls could talk” moment. I thought about all the people seeing first heartbeats courtesy of the dildo cam, and all the people finding out that their pregnancy isn’t viable. All the joy and devastation was pretty heavy.

Today I woke up to a very sore butt at the trigger injection site. After I got moving it went away. The husbands appointment was at 9, and I waited for him at a coffee shop near the clinic. When he finally met up he said that they were having computer issues and got back late. I thought he was having, ahem, difficulties. Then he said that after reading all the books where men detail their own experience in the donation room, it felt weird. Like he knows too much. Welcome to my world, buddy!

At 10:30 we went back for my appointment. They were still busy and behind but not too bad. It was actually our regular nurse, the one I always email and talk to, who did the IUI. Though we talk monthly I hadn’t seen her since October. I was surprised to see when she walked in that she’s quite pregnant. I made some comment like “you appear to be pregnant” (dumb but it just came out) which she just kind of ignored. How weird must it be to be pregnant working at a fertility clinic? My friend used to work at an abortion clinic and one of her coworkers was pregnant, which I thought must be awkward. After some discussion later, the husband and I decided it’s worse to be pregnant at an infertility clinic because it probably causes people more pain. Did I mention this weekend when we went shopping our checker was massively pregnant? And today while waiting at the coffee shop there was a pregnant woman with a toddler? Anyway, too many bellies.

She did the normal checking of my bracelet to make sure I’m me and that The Husbands sperm is his and I want it up in my business. Then came the going over the numbers part, which is really the only part The Husband pays attention to. His numbers are always really good and I think it gives him a boost (I should also add that while we were waiting for the nurse I was talking about blogs I read and he directly asked me if I have one and if I post his counts on it. I lied and said no, because blogging has been so so therapeutic for me and I just can’t risk him ruining it by asking for access. So Husband, I am very sorry for lying, and for the following). So here was what we got goin on post wash:

Motility: 72.7%
Total motile : 36.4 million
Rapid and linear: 0%

Yes, you read that right. 0% rapid and linear. The nurse said she asked the person who did the wash and they said that the sperm are moving, but not in a clear direction. Now, I totally don’t want to make The Husband feel bad. It’s not his fault and everyone has off days. So I just said “okay” and acted like it was no biggie. I could see that he wasn’t happy, but we didn’t really talk about it much. I have a feeling he needs some time to absorb it and he may want to talk about it tonight.

The IUI itself was approximately 7,000 times better than the last. It didn’t hurt at all, a barely felt a thing. Maybe this pregnant nurse is more skilled. I have had a little cramping today and a little spotting, but feeling okay. I start progsterone in Thursday. Good thing The Husband got me the big box of panty liners.

After I got to work I googled what the lack of Rapid linear sperm means for our odds of pregnancy. I actually found what looked like a study comparing success rates when there is a lack of rapid sperm for both IVF and IUI. The pregnancy rates on IVF weren’t affected, but the pregnancy rates for IUI were about 2.5% lower (10.4 to 7.9). So we’re taking already very low odds and reducing them.

Of course it’s disappointing, for both of us, but I am not upset. There’s nothing we could have done differently that I know of. It’s not his fault, and I know that if he gets all stressed about it he may just have a hard time giving the specimen next time. Of course I don’t have high hopes for this cycle, but then again I don’t really ever so it’s not too different.

I did take a HPT last night after the trigger and it was a very faint positive. Of course to me there was clearly a line, but The Husband said I was crazy. I asked the nurse if I should test it out and she said just wait two weeks and one day before I test. I only have 4 wondfos left, so I think i will test at like 7 dpo, when I know it’s too early to get a positive, and see if it’s out.

And thus commences the TWW.


Shot to the butt, and you’re to blame

Darlin you give baby making a bad name!

Had my monitoring appointment and trigger shot today. Uterine lining was 11, one follie was 21 and then there was a little 15 that they said may or may not join the party. They also gave me my first ever trigger shot.

I have heard different names of triggers mentioned in the IF world (the only one I can remember is Ovidrel) but they didn’t tell me anything about it, they just did it. I looked at our form on the way to checkout and saw they checked HcG, so that’s all I know about it. I gather from my blog reading that HcG triggers will give you a positive test for several days, but they didn’t say anything about this. What if I was an obsessive early tester and thought I got a BFP?! That could be bad. I’m debating whether to take a HPT tonight and see if it’s positive.

IUI #2 tomorrow at 10:30!


Infertility makes me ballsy

I am not a person you would describe as “direct.” I’m more of a “be nice and courteous to everyone so you don’t make them uncomfortable” type. I hate to make people feel awkward or embarrassed and typically will put up with a lot in order to avoid it. But in these last 16 months, I have put up with enough ignorant comments that I have started not letting them go. Almost like I can’t.

First was when I finally told a good friend at work that she had to stop telling me to “just relax.” She had said it at least 5 times and it was making me insane. I was so afraid to say anything to her, like she would think I was some crazy lady making a big deal out of nothing and being sensitive. This particular friend is not very concerned with political correctness or protecting people’s feelings so I put up with it for a long time before I finally texted her shortly after she said it in front of a bunch of people. I told her that she really needs to stop saying it and that I have a medical issue to the point where I am seeing a doctor and when she says that I need to relax she is implying that it’s all in my head. I felt so scared of what she would say while I waited for a reply. To my surprise, she said that I was right and that she was sorry. That it was a sensitive issue and she should treat it that way. Whew! It made me feel really good to stand up for myself and make someone realize that what they said wasn’t okay.

Then when i was home for Christmas and I was holding my 1 year old cousin, my uncle said “hey you better tell The Husband that he needs to give you one of these!” and without really thinking about it I just said “Well, he’s trying.” This particular uncle I do think knows about our struggles and just said it without thinking. He just kind of changed the subject and walked away. It felt good.

So today I was at work, minding my own business. My department manager (my boss’ boss) was standing at the desk next to mine talking to my coworker. She has a cold that she got from her 15 month old and was lamenting to my coworker (who has a 17 month old) that she always gets sick when her kid gets sick. Let me point out that I was not involved in this conversation. At most I maybe glanced up from my computer a couple times. Then my boss’ boss looks at me and says “Mallory, Do NOT have kids! It may seem like a good idea, and they’re cute, and people say it’s great, but it’s not.” I just kind of cringed and didn’t really say anything, but she continued “seriously, just don’t.” I just couldn’t stop myself. If she would have said less, if she would have been less insistent I would have ignored it but she just kept going on about how much it sucks to have kids. So I looked at her and said “well, don’t worry, I can’t.” I kind of said it with a smile, but kind of a “eh, what cha gonna do?” type smile. I felt my face flush as I said it. She said “oh my gosh, are you serious?” and I said “kinda, yeah.” Then she said “Well I’m not going to talk to you about it right here right now but you know I offer my full support.” And then she delightfully told me she will call me in the middle of the night when her son is up and I can come take care of him. Thanks a lot. When she got back to her desk she emailed me and said “open mouth, insert foot. I am so sorry!” Then of course I lost my steam and felt really bad for calling her out like that. So I told her it was fine and I shouldn’t have said anything and that it happens all the time. a couple other idle exchanges where I tried to assure her she’s not a jerk and that was it.

I do feel kinda bad for making her feel shitty, but you know what? She made me feel shitty first! I know that when people say “hurry up and have kids!” or “oh god kids are awful, you don’t want them” they’re not trying to be assholes, but the fact remains that they are being assholes. Even if it’s not on purpose. And they will say something assholish to another infertile if I don’t (sort of) kindly let them know that it’s not a good idea to say that to someone. So maybe now she will think before she opens her mouth! But probably not. One thing I did learn from this is that the three managers who do know about my situation haven’t shared it with the three who don’t. I wouldn’t have cared it if came up and they knew, but this made it very obvious that they don’t.

In better news my bestie wants to let me and The Husband take care of her two month old for an evening while she and her husband go to dinner. They have left the baby with each other, but I’m not sure they have left her yet with anyone else. I feel so honored and excited! We are finding a new way to relate to each other now that baby is here. It’s different, but it’s okay.