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Resisting wine fail

on January 2, 2014

The cycle of my first IUI I wanted to do everything ‘perfectly.’ Starting from CD 1 until I got the BFN, I didn’t have a drop of alcohol, or caffeine, or a morsel of soy. I went to acupuncture three times. I wanted to make sure I did everything within my control to make it work. But we all know that didn’t happen. So on this second IUI I am less inclined to do everything right, since it hasn’t really worked so far. I am not doing acupuncture for one. They are only open Monday-Friday so I have to take time off work to go. My work is very accommodating but it’s still a pain to schedule it and request time off. I also decided I am still going to drink coffee, but limit myself to one cup a day. I did stop drinking every day since this cycle started, but I’ve still had wine a few times, especially on New Years Eve. But then I told myself no more booze! Keepin it clean until the IUI and for the TWW! Well…there was this open bottle of wine on the counter tonight and it was just calling my name. So I drank it. And here I sit blogging and buzzing. Soooo niiiiice. But after this I’m done! For realsies! Maybe. At least cutting back a lot. But I have been working out! So there’s that.

The Husband and I went out for a nice fancy dinner on New years Eve. We drank wine, had lobster as an appetizer (WTF?) and a delicious chocolaty dessert. And we talked about TTC almost the whole time. It was a good talk. A continuation of our conversation the other day about IVF. He asked me if we didn’t do IVF, if I would have feelings of “what if?” What if we had tried it and it worked? What if we could have a baby that was made from us? I told him that I would wonder, but I wouldn’t have regrets. And that being a mom is the goal for me, much more so than being pregnant. I really really do want to be pregnant, but not nearly as much as I want to be a mom. And that if we adopted and then decided later that we wanted to pursue IVF that we still could. We are young enough that it would still be an option for up to ten years. And then I asked him, will he have “what if?” feelings? And he said he would. He feels like if we didn’t try IVF he might always wonder if it could have worked. I assured him that these are okay feelings to have, that it’s okay for him to want to try. And reiterated that IF (big if) we could swing a few IVF cycles and then adoption if it didn’t work, we can do it. I am willing to do that for him. It’s not like I am totally completely opposed to IVF. I am not opposed to it at all in general, obviously reading blogs I see so many babies that are here because of IVF. I just never wanted to risk it all to try for a baby of our own and wind up empty handed. That would be my “what if?” I would always regret not having children.

We decided that when we go in for our IUI we will talk to the financial adviser about cost and their shared risk plans. And that we would probably have to take out a second mortgage on the house to pay or either adoption or IVF, and we would need to see how much equity we have before we would know if we can do both. So that’s the plan for now. Of course, we still have 3 IUIs to go before this could come to fruition. And I would love if one of them works. The pessimist in me just can’t not think about what we will do if they don’t.

After our dinner I was texting my best friend, who has an almost two month old, and letting her know that IVF might be on the table. She was concerned about what that would do to me mentally, physically. She always supported my decision not to go there. But she would support me if I do. She really wants me to be a mom too. I know she feels lonely. It’s been hard for us existing in two different worlds.

Yesterday I had lunch with another friend who is TTC. She has only been trying about 3-4 months, but she and her husband think they may have problems. The way she describes it the consistency of his semen isn’t normal. Like it’s really thick or something, I’m not sure. he has always suspected that he is infertile and she isn’t sure. They haven’t done an SA or anything yet, because it hasn’t been long enough to be worried. I gave her a bunch of OPKs and told her how to use them. She thinks she gets ovulation pain but can’t really be sure so she wants to know for sure when she ovulates. Its very weird when one of your friends is TTC. The part of you that loves her as a friend wants the best for her and wants her to get pregnant so she doesn’t have to go through what you do. But the infertile in you thinks about what it would be like to have someone who understands. After I helped my best friend use OPKs she got pregnant right away…I don’t know if I could take that happening again. But I would still be happy for her even as it broke my heart. This is just what we deal with, right?

Today is CD 9. I start taking OPKs tomorrow, but unless something crazy happens my IUI should be on the 7th. I have my FD ultrasound on the 6th because they don’t want to do it on Sunday, and I should have a trigger shot that day as well. This will be my first time using one. They say it doesn’t increase pregnancy rates, but I don’t see how it couldn’t when it makes sure you know exactly when you’ll ovulate. It won’t hurt anything, anyway. I want to believe that it will work, but it’s hard to think anything will be different. It would be miraculous for sure.

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4 responses to “Resisting wine fail

  1. One of my closest friends is TTC also. She’s been at it longer than I have. We both do OPKs to compare and I always thought – If I’m in the situation, at least I’m not alone. Then I got my first positive ovulation after months. I freaked out with excitement. I told her and it hurt. Don’t get me wrong, there was excitement hidden in there, but it is bittersweet. It became a race, when it wasn’t intended to be one. It can be a double edged sword at times.

    • Mallory says:

      I could totally see that happening. Chances are you won’t both get pregnant the same cycle, so that means someone has to be left behind.

  2. Katie says:

    Thank you for your kinds words.

    As for the healthy stuff, I like to weigh the benefit of giving up yummy stuff (especially coffee) with the stress that would ensue if I attempted this. I give up alcohol during the 2ww and limit the caffeine to one travel mug. Sanity is also helpful when trying to conceive 😉

    • Mallory says:

      agreed! I also like to remind myself that women who drink like fish and smoke like chimneys still manage to get knocked up, so a little coffee and wine should be okay.

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