No Bun In This Oven

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Time After Time

on January 20, 2014

Today I woke up 13dpIUI and decided I should test. I didn’t have enough HPTs to test out the trigger, but when I did take one at 7dpIUI it was only very faintly positive. I laid in bed and googled how long it should take to be out, and most things said it should be totally gone by 10 days past. I thought about what I would do if it were positive. Assume it was false and test again in a couple days like I was supposed to. Unless it was a dark positive, because that would have to mean the amount of HgC had increased, and that it was really positive. What would I do if it’s negative? Keep taking progesterone and test again in a couple days like I was supposed to. I figured what would really happen is that I would check CM before peeing in the cup and there would be a tint of pink or red. Then I could just save the test. Okay, I had a plan.

I went in the bathroom and checked my CM. White, very white. No hint of spotting. So I peed in the cup, dipped the cheapie and set the timer. I saved the cup of pee in case it were positive and I wanted to take a digi. Gotta plan ahead in case hell freezes over, ya know? I put part of the wrapper over the results area so I couldn’t peek. Then I brushed my teeth and otherwise busied myself. I thought about the lack of rapid and linear sperm for the IUI. I thought about how sick I was at 6dpIUI (I ended up with a fever of 102 and out of work for two days) and how that could mean that my immune system were lowered and allowing implantation, or it could mean that my body attacked and burned up anything growing. And when the timer was up, I looked. And it was stark white. And in spite of myself and all the preparing and realistic thinking, I was very sad. There will be no October baby, I will not be a mom before I’m 30, once again my body failed to do what it’s supposed to. Again just like it did before, but somehow it doesn’t hurt less.

After I told The Husband, he hugged me and said he was sorry and we kind of thought that would be the case, and then he made me pumpkin pancakes before he went to work. I moped for a while, then got ready and went to a friends house to get lunch and help her pick out a wedding dress. In college, she lived in a house with 4 other girls. Three of them got married in 2013, and she and the other are both engaged. The one who got married in September got pregnant immediately and my friend broke the news as gently as she could after 12 weeks. Today at lunch, she told me that one of the other girls who got married in July is also pregnant. And the other who was engaged is ALSO pregnant…with twins. She said she has known for a while but there was never a good time to tell me. I guess the day I find out my second IUI failed is as good as any…Since this friend is getting married this July and I am her maid of honor, I will probably see all these girls and their babies. If not for that, she may just not have told me at all. She said how when they kept telling her one after the other that they were pregnant, she thought of me and how unfair it is, how easy it is for everyone else. And that out of everyone she knows, we are the most prepared to be parents. We waited until we were financially stable, saved up, got a family friendly car, it just makes no sense. Talk about preaching to the choir. She did  find her dress, and she looked amazing.

This weekend I went to my hometown for one of my good friend’s son’s first birthday party. On Saturday night The Husband and I watched my best friend’s two month old so she and her husband could have their first date night since the baby was born. The Husband even drove them to the restaurant and picked them up so they could both have some drinks. The baby tends to be fussy in the evenings, which i knew, so we spent much of the time walking and bouncing her. The husband gave her a bottle and I changed her diaper and got her jammies on. It was fun and felt good, like it should belong to us. But it didn’t feel sad. And on Sunday, when I helped frost cupcakes and make deviled eggs and set up the birthday party. When I watched my friends with their little ones and held the baby, I didn’t feel anything. The friends of mine who are also TTC with IUI were there, and when one wife was holding the baby, the other wife had so much pain in her face, seeing her partner holding that baby and wanting that for them so bad. they have had 3 failed IUIs so far. She asked me a while ago how I can do this, how I have been doing this month after month for over a year. she has only tried three times and has been beyond devastated. I told her that part of it is that after this long you aren’t really surprised when it doesn’t work, and also that I think I have become desensitized to it. Even today when I am very sad, I haven’t cried. I almost feel nothing.

I worry that I am becoming depressed. But I don’t notice any other signs besides this nothingness in my emotions surrounding infertility. Where I used to cry every month when I knew the cycle had failed, now I only cry at random times, maybe once every other month. I feel like I’ve put up a wall to it. How many times can you cry over the same thing? They say that the hardest part about infertility is that it’s a loss over and over, like losing a loved one every month. Sometimes I think my subconscious has already mourned the loss and is moving on even before I’ve stopped treatment. But if that’s true, why do I still have the capacity to be so disappointed? Why do I still want it so much if I don’t believe it’s possible?

I do know that after I left my friend’s house I could smell that baby on my hands. And that even if I can watch The Husband hold a baby without feeling that pang of longing, even if I can go to birthday parties and baby showers and compartmentalize others’ happy times as having nothing to do with my own despair, even if I can sit and hear about three women who have become pregnant without hardly trying just in the time I’ve been on clomid and laugh at the absurdity of it. Even if all of that is true, it’s also true that I am dying inside a little bit. That when I went to Target to pick up tampons, prenatal vitamins and wine, I felt like I was just a floating image of a woman trying to hold it together. Most of the time I feel fine and and am afraid it’s because I am about to break. I think how well I hold it together may actually be a bad sign.

Do you ever feel like screaming in a room full of people? Let’s say I feel like doing that a lot lately.


18 responses to “Time After Time

  1. Bah. I’m sorry. I relate to this so much and it sucks so bad for both of us.

  2. Susan says:

    I’m sorry. I was holding my breathe as I started reading, and then had to let it out in a sigh. I wish with my time in infertility prison that I’d have some words of wisdom but I don’t. Just offering my support, and letting you know that it’s ok to scream. We’re not always as strong as people see us as being. Hugs.

  3. Susan says:

    *breath, not breathe…

  4. I’m so sorry. I feel you. I was 13dpiui yesterday and stark negative. My clinic makes you get your beta either way. So off I go this morning to take a pregnancy blood test that I know will be negative. Our time will come… I know it. I just don’t know when.

  5. You are a beautiful writer. I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks, and find that you so eloquently convey the emotions so many of us have deal with on the daily. Thank you. Coming in hot from ICLW. I forgot this started so now I have to double comment today. You are my first. Wish me luck!!

    • Mallory says:

      Thank you! There was some wine fueling this post, so I’m just glad it was coherent, lol. Thanks for reminding me to comment!!

  6. abwise says:

    I am so sorry things didn’t work out for you this time around. Thank you for putting into words what I too have been feeling, except I am almost 35 instead of 30. 🙂 It’s ok to scream, it’s ok to be numb. I am glad you are aware of what it is you are feeling or not feeling. I think that’s important. You are a better person than I am. I just can’t bring mysefl to do the baby showers and birthday parties. You are AMAZINGLY STRONG.

    • Mallory says:

      Thank you for that. Who knows if it will change later. If I know one thing it’s that I know nothing and maybe next month I will avoid families like the plague.

  7. Katie says:

    I am so sorry. You really did have me in suspense, which I’m sure is only a fraction of the suspense you feel each time. Personally, I think the numbness is protective. And the screaming inside your head is totally normal, at least for IFers.

  8. Rebecca says:

    Hi from ICLW. Sorry it was negative.

  9. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. I felt like screaming every single time I got a BFN. And then I picked it back up when the next cycle came around and we had another plan. It helps to cry it out, it helps to scream sometimes, I did it in the comfort of my own home so that people don’t call the cops on me 😦 Hope you feel better.. and it works the next cycle!

  10. Carrie says:

    Oh, this was hard to read…I’m so sorry 😦 I can so relate to the pain, and it just doesn’t seem feasible that we should have to go through that. I found myself crying at such random times…just driving home from work was always a bad one. Be sure to treat yourself to something just for you, whether a pedicure or massage or shopping trip or whatever. There will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel 🙂

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