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Hindsight

on February 12, 2014

I am a huge fan of the show “Friends.” Huge may actually be an understatement. I’m that person who in almost every situation will say “This makes me think of that episode of Friends where…”

SPOILER ALERT: If you somehow have been living under a rock and never watched Friends, but realize the error in your ways and plan to start watching, stop reading now. I will be giving away major plot points.

For Christmas The Husband got me the complete series of Friends on Blu Ray, and I started watching it from the pilot immediately. I just started season 9, which is the one that starts with Ross & Rachel’s baby being born, while at the same time Monica and Chandler decide to start trying to get pregnant. I know from seeing the show many years ago that Monica & Chandler end up not being able to have children, and ultimately adopt twins via domestic adoption. I think it turned out to be male factor, but at the time that wasn’t relevant to me so I am not 100% sure.

It’s really hard now to watch these episodes where they’re trying to have sex as many times as possible during the fertile window, she’s pretending not to be mad at him so they can try. It’s really funny, and accurate! (as opposed to earlier seasons when Phoebe gets a BFP the same day as egg transfer when she is a surrogate for her brother). I just feel so sad knowing that all their trying is for naught. That they will end up seeing a doctor when nothing is happening and finding out pregnancy isn’t in the cards for them. Of course there’s a happy ending and they end up parents to not one but two beautiful babies. I just think if I could go back and see myself a year and a half ago and all the hope and excitement I had, and the total lack of any worry that this wouldn’t work, it would break my heart. It’s like watching Titanic where you know in the end the boat will sink; impending disaster.

I am, however, happy that a hugely popular show chose to address infertility, and that they didn’t miraculously get pregnant as soon as they stopped trying, or after they adopted.

Today I am 7dpIUI and 8 days past trigger. I forgot to take the HPT with FMU today and took it with SMU. There was still a super faint, squinter style, positive. So far I don’t really have any feelings one way or the other, but I know as soon as I test the trigger out I will start obsessing. This might be our last IUI. It might be our last fertility treatment. It’s all so up in the air.

I haven’t been talking much lately with my best friend that has the baby. It didn’t feel awkward necessarily, but definitely like we just have nothing to say to each other because her life is consumed by baby and my life is consumed by lack of baby. Obviously there are other facets of our lives we could talk about, but we just haven’t. So on Friday I texted her “how’s it goin?” She immediately offered that she is getting really frustrated with the baby and having a hard time lately. We talked a bit about that, I decided to go visit my hometown to spend some time with her this weekend. But I felt like I needed to say something to let her know that it’s okay for her to talk to me about how hard it is parenting a baby. I could just tell by how quickly she started spilling when I reached out that she needed to talk to someone, but obviously she wasn’t comfortable putting all that on me. Lucky for me, she has a brain and understands that it could be hard for me to hear about her parenting woes. Good friend right there.

I said something to the effect of “I don’t know if you feel bad or weird telling me when you’re struggling or need support, but I don’t want you to feel that way. I know being a mom is hard and you can talk to me. If you are telling me how blissfully happy you are with the baby, that would be hurtful. But unless you said “I hate this baby, I wish I never had it” I can handle it. If you said that, I would say fuck you”

She said thanks and that she does worry that if she tells me how hard it is I will think “well at least you have a baby” which would be understandable. And I said that there are times when people say things that make me feel that way, but that there is a distinct difference between complaining and sharing her frustrations, and that she can keep her complaining to herself. It was a good conversation. Of course, I’m sure that on my bad days what she says might make me upset or hurt, but overall, I want her to feel like she can come to me. Like I said, she’s not stupid and will hopefully know where to draw the line. I just don’t want to lose the friendship to my infertility. And she also supports me completely, whatever path we take to address the infertility, so it’s only fair that I am there for her.

Don’t worry, I’ll totes let y’all know when she does say something completely insensitive and offends me to my core. Seems unavoidable, eh? Such is [infertile] life.

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16 responses to “Hindsight

  1. Even after baby I still find myself with many of those feelings regarding shows and infertility and even now people who announce pregnancies…the pain of it never truly goes away…Hugs to you as you wait the next few days out!

  2. A. says:

    Hindsight–if only we could glimpse the conclusions on our own stories so we’d know how to proceed. It’s hoping and fearing and groping in uncertainty that really makes this impossible.

  3. Kitten says:

    I know just how you feel. I’ve avoided watching Friends reruns for that exact reason. Even though they keep it light and funny, I hurt for them. (If I remember correctly, their infertility was from both sides: isn’t there a line about Monica’s uterus being a “hostile environment” or something like that?)

    I’m glad you were able to reach out to your friend and that she’s being so sensitive to you.

    • Mallory says:

      I haven’t gotten that far yet, they are still just trying. I am interested to see (again) how they frame the adoption process.

  4. If only we could hold the DVR for our lives and scan forward – just to get a peek. Just to see if my spare bedrooms are nurseries, just a peek. That’s all.

    I have lived under the rock for quite a few years and just started watching random reruns of “Friends.” I didn’t realize they got twins, but I have seen the episode for the fertile window and I thought the same thing – that’s my life. Broadcast it louder. It triggered a memory from an episode of King and Queens where Doug & Carrie have a miscarriage.

    That’s real stuff.

  5. Katie says:

    I think it’s great that you’re able to cherish the friendship and both be there for each other even though in very different places right now. I especially liked what you said about there being a difference between complaining and sharing frustrations – so true!

    • Mallory says:

      It’s not easy but I really want to make it work! If she were totally insensitive (like your sister) I think I would just cut her loose.

  6. Interesting about Friends. I watched the show on and off but obviously wasn’t as concerned about fertility back then. Recently I watched Baby Mama and realized its a fairly hopefully story about infertility even though its a comedy. Its funny how these things affect those of us going through it, but other people wouldn’t even catch on.

  7. I totally forgot about that storyline! (Not a super avid Friend’s fan in the first place). It’s interesting the places we notice IF when before we never gave it a second though (i.e.. the movie Up, seen it? So sad). Good for you on still being able to be there for your friend, even though she’s pregnant. I have a hard time with my preggo BFF, even though she tries to do and say the “right thing” so as not to hurt/offend me. Especially now that we are taking a break in our journey. Although, we might not still live here when her baby is born, as bad as that sounds, might save me some heartbreak. Strength to you in your remaining wait!

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