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An Open Letter to the Girl I Hate

on February 22, 2014

Hi ICLW friends. To get you up to speed, The Husband and I have been TTC for 18 months now. We’ve had 3 failed IUI’s and are talking with the doctor next week about next steps. It will be either IVF, embryo adoption or adoption for us.

Dear A,

I hate you. I know, you had no idea, right?! I’m perfectly nice to you and we even had a fun little conversation about K’s bachelorette party and whether we’re each going. But truthfully, I don’t think I will go if you’re going. I don’t think I can spend an entire night pretending I don’t hate you. There’s just not enough alcohol to make spending all that time with you bearable.

It started this summer when you got the promotion over me. They picked someone who had worked there for less than 6 months and had done nothing to set herself apart as a leader over me, who had been there for two years and worked my way up. It was hard to take. But I knew I had to get over it, so I tried to like you. I tried not to be driven crazy by how you talk quietly about things that aren’t private so I have to lean in, or how you’re getting engaged to a guy you’ve been dating for 3 months (which is stupid and insane). I was trying really hard to fight against my distaste for you. You’re a perfectly nice person! Why can’t I like you?!

And then, you got married to the guy you’d been dating for 5 minutes. And then you immediately got pregnant. And then you gave notice that you’re quitting to be a stay at home mom to your three year old and 5 week old fetus. You even came over to personally tell me that you’re pregnant, which was super nice of you. I did my absolute best “happy surprise” face, and then by the grace of god my dear sweet coworker saved me by asking you a bunch of questions about it. I was able to slip away and simmer in my newly refreshed hatred for you.

I can’t deny it anymore. I hate you. Every time I see you, every time I talk to you, I am reminded of all my failures. I didn’t get picked for the job, I can’t have a baby. You’re everything I want and everything I can’t have. And I fucking hate your stupid face and your low talking voice, and how goddamn sweet you are. I can’t wait until your last day when you walk out forever and stop rubbing it all in my face. Whether the person that replaces you is me or someone else, I can’t wait for you to be gone. I’m counting down the days.

When I got the invitation to K’s bachelorette party, and I saw that you were invited, I knew I couldn’t go. What if I get stuck next to you at dinner and you just go on and on about your pregnancy. It makes me sick to think about it. I know that you don’t know I’m infertile, and it’s not your fault you’re pregnant. But I just don’t know if I can do it. Do I tell you that I’m infertile and hope that shuts you up? You asked if I was going and I said I wasn’t sure. You told me you (and the other pregnant girl who’s going, though I don’t hate her) would go back to the hotel when we go dancing and to the male strip show. But you’d still be there. At cocktail hour. At dinner. At the burlesque show. Repeatedly talking about how you’re not drinking because of your baby. I think about my infertility constantly, and you have the power to make those thoughts nonstop.

I’m sorry I hate you. I know that you’re a very nice person and haven’t done anything wrong. I know that my hating you has everything to do with me and my pain and insecurities, and nothing to do with who you are or what you’ve done. But that doesn’t change it. I alone have given this power to you, and I alone can take it away. Thankfully you’re leaving and I won’t have to force it anymore. But even after you’re gone, part of me will always hate you. And you will never know.

Sorry bout that.



6 responses to “An Open Letter to the Girl I Hate

  1. Jen says:

    Sometimes just writing those things down helps so much. I hope it helped you to vent about that girl, if it helps I’d hate her too. Lol. I completely understand how you feel!

  2. Well done! I hate her too, without a shred of guilt. In fact, I hate her more because she’s so nice. XO

  3. Rachel says:

    HI from ICLW …. Ugh we’ve all been there – faced with a daily reminder of all we can’t have, by the person who seems to have everything so easily! I’m sorry you have to go through this and it definitely helps to write it out. Thankfully, she’s leaving at you can just move on with your life! Maybe you’ll get the position now that it’s opening up?

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