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A rock and a hard place

on February 26, 2014

We had our follow up appointment with the RE today. She gave us two options:

1. Continue with IUI, but swap out Clomid for Femara, which some people respond to better. We would also add some injectable thing, though I forget what it is. Not gonadotropin. She gave our success with this a 15% chance.

2. IVF with ICSI. The ICSI because at this point the chances that fertilization isn’t happening are pretty good. She gave us a 50-60% chance with that, and at my clinic a single cycle, including meds, would be about 16-17K. We also talked with the financial advisor about their shared risk programs, and the 2 fresh 2 frozen option with a 50% refund if they don’t work would be like 33K with meds.

I asked her some questions about embryo donation, but The Husband really has no interest at all in it. He says that if we’re going to get pregnant and take the risk of transfer not working, it should be with our own genes. I am dropping that one because I wasn’t super passionate about it and he clearly isn’t interested.

After the appointment we talked, and pretty much The Husband wants to do IVF and believes it will work, and I don’t think it will and want to adopt. This is the first time in this infertility journey that we are really not at all in agreement about what to do next. He keeps saying “I think we’ll work it out” and “stop just talking about the cost” but how can I not? What if we do it and it doesn’t work, and then we can’t adopt? This is a REAL possibility but I think he has so much hope it will work that he is ignoring that.

He also keeps saying that I don’t want to do it because of all the meds and appointments. Almost in a spiteful way, like I’m letting that hold me back. Well #1 that alone is not enough to change my mind one way or another. I am willing to go through a lot to be a mom. But #2 I really resent him acting like that shouldn’t be a factor. I will have to take time off work and drive 45 minutes to our clinic twice a week, and be injected with crazy hormones that leave me black and blue and emotional, and all he has to do is jack off in a cup. So I think he needs to STFU and I plan to tell him as much! Even if I didn’t want to do it because of all that, it would be a valid reason.

We are planning to go to the adoption agency next month for an information meeting, before we make a decision. We both have a lot of thinking and talking to do.

Have you all heard the song “Pompeii” by Bastille? It’s by newest IF jam. Some select lyrics:

“I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show”

“And the walls came tumbling down in the city that we loved
Gray clouds roll over the hills bringing darkness from above”

“But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all
And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you’ve been here before”

“How am I gonna be an optimist about this?”

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19 responses to “A rock and a hard place

  1. Jen says:

    Wow, that’s a LOT!! I’m so sorry you guys are struggling right now. I have the same fear that if IVF doesn’t work out the first time we won’t have any money left to adopt. It’s really scary. It’s a lot of money! Praying for you guys!

  2. Love that song! And I totally get it. We had the ivf vs. Adoption convo too. My hubby had the same opinion as yours. He wants to try for our own biological child first. We still have time to decide. I’m interest in how your adoption agency meeting goes. Good luck!

  3. Lo says:

    Soooo….that song always spoke to me in an infertility sense as well, but I thought the lyrics said, “I am gonna be an optimst about this”….but then I looked it up and saw the real lyrics. Meh. I still like mine better. Because I AM going to be an optimist about this. I will be one for you too, OK?

  4. Elisha says:

    I am optimistic that no matter what path you choose… You WILL be a mommy :). Both of you have different thoughts so I say wait it out, talk often about your options until you both have complete peace and are in agreement. You don’t want resentment :/ been there:/

    • Mallory says:

      This will certainly be a practice in patience. It’s these really tough times that make our relationship stronger so in spite of all the sadness I have to be a little bit grateful for that. It’s amazing when you realize what you can go through and how strong you both are!

  5. Katie says:

    That song has been one of my IF jams for a while – it so brilliantly fits my emotions on so many days. I am so sorry you’re struggling to figure out the best course for both of you.

  6. Kitten says:

    After the price tag, the time spent travelling to appointments for IVF monitoring was the 2nd biggest obstacle for us. Well, for me, since DH only needed to go a grand total of twice. I also couldn’t help but think that if it didn’t work the first time, we would be done, since we couldn’t afford another cycle and we definitely couldn’t afford to adopt after shelling out all that money for IVF. These decisions are tough and very emotional, but that doesn’t excuse your husband being so insensitive to you. You’re supposed to be on the same team. I hope you knock some sense into him.

    • Mallory says:

      I’m workin on him! He’s one of those that doesn’t like to be told what to do, so I have to trick him into coming to the appropriate conclusion πŸ™‚

  7. Brianna says:

    I’m so sorry that you and hubby aren’t on the same page. That adds another level of difficulty to an already difficult situation. Maybe it’s time to have a sit-down with hubby, with an agenda, to go over ALL that you’re thinking about as you decide the path to move forward, as it sounds like the only things he’s hearing from you is the concern about money. Maybe if you’re able to explain everything that you’re thinking about, he won’t come off so crass.

    • Mallory says:

      Yes I think there will be many of those talks ahead. I was thinking how I can help him understand that it’s not the money itself, it’s what running out of money/resources could mean. The consequences, you know? It’s a process, that’s for sure!

  8. Oh, man you and I are in similar places (again). Just last night J was saying sometimes he thinks we should just forgo our break and not move away and “just go to the hospital and do IVF”. That is literally what he said *head smack*. He knows it’s not that easy but he was just being flippant and over-simplifying it. I am thinking we will eventually do IVF, though I was a bit set against it initially. But not now, that’s for sure. I need a break, I don’t want to jump from IUI right into IVF and all of those appts and drugs, and stress, ect. I feel ya lady!

  9. megsnyc says:

    You have a lot to think about, and the important thing is that you and your husband keep talking about it. But yeah, I do feel like the fact that you’re the one who has to do all the physical sacrifice should be something he takes seriously and considers. That’s not to say that I think IVF is right or wrong for you, just that there should be some recognition of that fact. Regardless of what you choose, I’m pulling for you, hoping that the next step brings you your baby.

  10. Susan says:

    I hate that area between the rock and the hard place. I’ve been there and it is absolutely crushing. If I may give unsolicited advice. Take a step back from both IVF and adoption until you’ve both had a chance to regroup. Right now DH is hearing statistics in the positive and is running head long towards that, and that is OK. However you’re being logical and that is OK too! Go to the adoption meeting and then take another step back. Evaluate both and make a decision together knowing that regardless of the outcome that you made it as a team! Good luck and hugs!

    • Mallory says:

      Thank you, that is what I’m going to try to do. I have to keep reminding myself that no one is right or wrong and there is no winning. For once I actually think we need the break!

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