No Bun In This Oven

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…With my eyes and his hair

on March 13, 2014

Greetings, bloggy friends. I’ve just returned from a week in sunny Phoenix Arizona hanging out with my 7 year old niece and 4 year old nephew. On Saturday we will be going to an informational meeting at the adoption agency we would most likely go to, but other than that there has been zero progress, changes or revelations as it pertains to infertility. Still just floating in limbo land.

My brother, whose family we were visiting, is ten years older than me. Though I’m more like him than my other two brothers, the age difference has always made connecting a little more challenging. He and his wife did ask pretty soon after we all got together about what our next steps were, as they do know we’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while now. I filled them in on IVF and adoption, and the prices, and sister in law shared that her sister had needed IUI to get pregnant with her second. Lucky lady.

A few days after that SIL and I were in the car alone and she asked me how I was doing with the infertility stuff. She said it seemed like maybe I’d just kind of accepted it. I said that today that’s how I feel, but it’s pretty unpredictable. I can be just fine and  not having any major feelings about things and then one day something hits me like a ton of bricks and I break down. One day a comment or question or pregnancy announcement won’t really bother me, and then next it will completely ruin my day. Hard to say. She said that she thinks if it were her, she’d have a lot of feelings about how unfair it is. She lost her dad last year (he was only 63) and said she often looks at men her dad’s age who are bad people, or are some bum on the street, and she feels like it’s so unfair that they get to be here and her dad doesn’t. I agreed that when I see some asshat who can barely take care of themselves cranking out babies, it does feel very unfair that they get multiple children and I can’t have any. It IS unfair. I only see her maybe once a year or every other year so it was nice that we could connect over that.

I played a lot at legos, and swinging on the swing-set. My mom and I took my niece to paint pottery. Kids are so fun. I really want one. One of the things we did was go to my niece’s volleyball practice. There were tons of moms there with their little girls, and I couldn’t help but notice how much the little ones looked like their parents. In particular their noses, it was uncanny how much you could absolutely tell whose daughter they were. My niece definitely looks like my SIL. It was one of those moments that gets you in the gut, thinking you might never have that. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned, but The Husband is half Japanese, so he has black hair and brown eyes and a slightly darker complexion. I always imagined us having a little girl with jet black hair and my dark blue eyes. Her dads complexion and my nose. I look a lot like both my grandmother and my mom, and I’m so curious to see if I had a daughter, would she see herself in her great grandma Midge? I’m ready to make peace with never having a bio child and am so totally open to adopting, but I think everyone thinks about this. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love my adopted child more than anything. I would just always wonder what that little girl would look like. Will I ever get to meet her?

On the plane ride home, I put on my Infertility Jams playlist, and shed a few little tears. If I hadn’t felt the need not to freak out the lady next to me, I probably would have had a sob-fest. This really is a total crock of shit. I am at the same time fully pissed at the world, and completely in awe of myself for how much I can handle. We’re kind of bad ass bitches, aren’t we? I just wish we didn’t have to be.

Yesterday my bestie with the 4 month old texted me and said that they were going to need to get rid of some newborn stuff. She is planning on giving it to whoever gets pregnant next, but wanted to ask if I wanted to have them. I said that I am not ready to keep baby things in the house, it would just be too hard. But I thanked her for the thought. She said she kind of thought that was what I would say but wanted to ask. I know a lot of IFers have a box or closet full of baby things, but I just can’t stand it. It hurts me just to think about little onesies in this house, waiting to be filled by baby bellies and chubby legs. I’m not ready.

I’ll leave you with another IF Jam, called “When a Heart Breaks” by Ben Rector. Some of my favorite lines:

I woke up this morning
And I heard the news
I know the pain of a heartbreak
I don’t have answers
And neither do you
I know the pain of a heartbreak

I heard the doctor
But what did he say
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don’t need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep

This isn’t easy
This isn’t clear
And you don’t need Jesus
Til you’re here

Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart break

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2 responses to “…With my eyes and his hair

  1. Bah, I’m sorry 😦 I have those thoughts too, which I think is why I am willing to try everything I can to have a bio child. I am selfishly attached to the thought of my own DNA. Such an unfair situation.

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