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Nowhere

on March 29, 2014

I haven’t been around much lately. I’ve been trying to keep up on everyone else’s blogs, but I haven’t felt like posting or commenting much. I started my new job at work, which adds stress and makes me just want to do nothing when I get home.

I also just feel really displaced and like I don’t know where we are or where we’re going in our infertility journey. There’s no forward momentum, we’re just kind of sitting here treading water. I have always known what the next step would be so this is really hard for me. It makes me feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It makes me feel stuck forever.

After the information meeting at Amara and the talk The Husband and I had, I felt okay that we were going to look at more agencies and take some more time to decide while he read things and thought about things. But quickly that waiting started making me crazy, and I kept asking him what he was reading in the book and what he thought about it and how he was feeling. And he kept saying “I don’t know…I’m just reading” which made me feel like he was never going to make a decision. We were just going to stay in this place where he wants to do IVF and I want to adopt and we will never move forward. So he got upset with me and said I needed to stop asking him all the time what he was thinking, and that i needed to give him time. And I cried and said I felt hopeless and lost and out of control. He asked for two weeks to think and said he would decide by like April 10 or something. I don’t even remember because I’ve been distracted by my new job which has thankfully allowed me to not feel so tortured by it. I haven’t brought it up much since then except to set up an informational meeting with another agency on April 8.

I just don’t know what to feel or what to say here. It’s almost like I’ve run out of feelings, I just don’t have much more to give. My mom suggested that we see a counselor that specializes in infertility. I said that I didn’t think it was that bad, or to that point. But maybe it is. Maybe it doesn’t even need to be that bad to see someone. Maybe it would help us decide.

All I know right now is that for a day or a week I might just feel acceptance that this is my lot in life and there’s nothing to be done, so why let it get to me. And the next week or day or minute i am so overwhelmed with how unfair and horrible and insurmountable this feels that I can hardly function. And I just want to crawl into a hole and never have to see another pregnant woman or coo at another picture of my friends baby or think about the fact that I have only just scratched the surface of how difficult this will be.

So I think I will just take a nap and dream about something else.

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2 responses to “Nowhere

  1. I totally get this. I mean hubby and I are on a self imposed break trying to do something else with our lives for the time being but even that isn’t working. I feel adrift and it totally cycles through tolerable to overwhelming quickly and without warning. I’ve been thinking lately about seeing a therapist because like you say maybe it’s not that bad but believe me you don’t want it to get that bad. Been there with other parts of my life. I hope once your hubs has his time you can have a good discussion about it and make some decisions together so you can regain some forward momentum. Strength to you!

  2. rosiedd78 says:

    I so hear you. We are on a scheduled delay until our mini-ivf. But my heart is not so in it. I feel like I dread the 2ww and I am so over this. I don’t think it’s ever gonna happen. But my partner in crime still has hope and isn’t ready to stop trying for a bio child yet. I do think it takes time. And I also recommend the book You Can Adopt, which I read last year and had lots and lots of positive stories about adoption. Also, I agree on the counselor. It really can’t hurt. And as someone who sees a therapist weekly anyway, I think you don’t have to think of it as “that bad”, it’s just a way to help you through this major life decision.

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