No Bun In This Oven

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on April 26, 2014

Fair warning: this will be ranty and negative and offensive to people of faith. Read on if you dare.

Today I logged in to Facebook to check out pictures from a friend’s wedding. What was the very first thing I saw? A picture of 5 sets of footprints in the Hawaii sand, labeled “1987, 1988, 2009, 2012, 2014” with the caption “God is so good.” A pregnancy announcement from some very Christian friends (well, sort of friends, we haven’t seen them in close to a year) who already have two kids and had said they probably wouldn’t have more. The last time we saw them we had been trying for maybe like 6 or 8 months I think and the wife and I talked about how frustrating that must be. She had her first at 20 and with both she got pregnant immediately, the first month they tried. They had said they were done having kids “unless God decides to bless us again.” I have no idea what exactly that meant, that they were using some kind of prevention but maybe God would have it fail, or they just weren’t actively trying. When I talked to her she mentioned that when they were trying they would just have sex every single day, so obviously she had no knowledge or understanding of her cycle and when she’s fertile, so I doubt they were doing the rhythm method. All I know is when I saw that picture, and that caption, “God is so good,” what I read was “if you believed in God like us you would have a baby” and I wanted to punch her in her stupid fucking pregnant face. OBVIOUSLY there are hundreds, thousands, holy shit huge numbers of women and bloggers who are religious as fuck and also infertile as fuck (Waiting for Baby Bird comes to mind) and for me to think that the thought might even CROSS HER MIND that if we “had faith” we would have a baby is INFURIATING. The post just made me so angry. It’s so unfair that she has three kids and I have none. That she thinks God has shit to do with the contents of her uterus. I am an Athiest, and I honestly don’t give a crap about God or faith or any of that, something is wrong with me and/or my husband and we will not have biological children, and God has nothing to do with that. Okay, end rant on Christians. Sorry for offending you, but you had warning.

We have posted about 5 times on our new blog (www[.]babyiwagoshi[.]wordpress[.]com, please don’t talk about or link back to this blog on it) that is about our adoption process. The first post was kind of a “how we got to here” summary, the second was about the terminology of adoption and Respectful Adoption Language (ie we say “birthmother” not “real mother”), and was prefaced with a big chunk of bolded text saying that we know people have said things to us that might not be the most PC and we are still learning too, so don’t feel bad if you’ve said any of these things. The next one was “what will happen next” and was a big long summary of what our next steps are and the adoption process in general, then my husband posted a short post thanking everyone for their support. The last one was a video that has gone viral called “if you wouldn’t say it about a boob job, don’t say it about an adoption” which is hilarious. So overall, it’s mostly just been a lot of information about what has happened and what will happen next. So after I posted that video I texted one of my best friends (with the baby) and asked if she’d seen it, so she went to watch it. I think the video is really funny and I was really expecting her to just say “lol,” but instead she said that she feels like the blog so far is focused on all the stupid things people will say to us and it makes her feel like she’s walking on eggshells and will say the wrong thing at any moment. I was floored.

She and I talked on the phone the other night for like 2.5 hours, which is unheard of. Normally we just text here and there and then visit every other month, but work has been so crazy we’ve barely talked and I wanted to catch up. She has been struggling with being a new mom and running a business and I just listened and talked for probably over the first hour about what’s going on with her and how she’s feeling and tried to not give any advice because I don’t know the first thing about being a mom. I was careful not to shift the conversation to myself or talk about my infertility or adoption issues; I wanted to make sure she had a chance to vent and felt supported. Eventually we did shift to what’s going on with me and I told her all about what’s been happening, and did share a couple things related to people saying stupid shit. For instance my mom recapping the plot of a movie about someone who had been adopted and went to look for their “real parents” and I snapped at her that she can’t say “real parents,” that’s like the worst adoption faux pas there is. I also talked about how when I told my dad we are going to adopt he shared some anecdote about how he has had three friends who adopted and then their wife got pregnant right after, and how the number one most common thing people say to us after we tell them we are going to adopt is “well now you’ll definitely get pregnant, that happens all the time!” She said her mom had actually said that to her about me too. I ranted about some things, I was honest about things, because that is what you do with your best friends. So when she read the blog and told me that I am being negative and focusing on dumb things people will say, I felt betrayed. Like I trusted her to share all my frustrations and she threw it back in my face and judged me. After I thought about it for a while, and read through the blog again and asked another friend for her opinion, I think she’s wrong about the blog (tell me if you disagree, please). Only in the post that was specifically about language (that had the disclaimer) and the video, which we just shared, didn’t create, had absolutely any mention of what not to say and ignorant comments people make. The huge amount of other text made no mention. So I don’t think it was the blog that made her feel that way, I think it was talking to me that made her feel that way. And now I feel like I can’t talk to her. She also said in her text “I feel like it’s the same with the infertility [the walking on eggshells afraid you’ll say something wrong], people say stupid shit to pregnant women and new moms all the time, you just don’t take it personally and move on”

This makes me sad and angry for so many reasons. First and foremost, I have tried so hard and been so careful to be supportive of her in adjusting to being a mom and all the stresses she has in her life. Me, who can’t have a baby, who has to wait months and maybe years, and run the gauntlet that is the adoption process, who’s heart hurts when I see pregnancy announcements and her gushy blog posts about how much she loves her baby. I try so hard to be there for her and be supportive, not to judge or offer unsolicited advice because that’s what friends do. I don’t know if I am doing a good job at it but I am fucking trying. I listen to her talk about how hard it is and how frustrated she gets and how she sometimes needs to just leave the baby with her husband and walk away because it’s so hard, and I don’t say “fuck you, at least you have a baby!” But when I share with her MY frustrations about not having a child and what I have to do to have one, and how hard that is, I get her telling me I’m focusing on the negative and making her uncomfortable.

How the fuck is this fair?

I was very diplomatic in my response and told her that I don’t feel the blog is focusing on negative things, though we know we will have people make stupid comments, and that I’m sorry she is feeling that way. She never responded and then a couple days later we made plans for her and her daughter to come down and see me (they live 2.5 hours away) in a few weeks. I think maybe that was her olive branch, because it’s hard for her to come visit with the baby. I’m glad that I didn’t lash out at her and get defensive, and I plan to talk to her about this again and share with her that I need her to be my sounding board if I am to be hers. Maybe she already realized that she was being unfair and holding my innermost thoughts against me when I trusted her. But maybe not. I know that she wants to be a good friend and not hurt me, but it’s a difficult situation to navigate.

What makes it worse is that The Husband always gets mad when I share this type of thing with him and says that she doesn’t understand and she is not a good friend. Classic husband move to just write her off and offer advice when I didn’t ask for it! She really has been very supportive, but it’s true that she doesn’t understand. She CAN’T understand. No one can if they haven’t been here. But she does try, she just misses the mark sometimes. This is a relationship I’m willing to work hard at so I just have to be honest with her and let her know how I’m feeling.

But the real point of all this is; fuck that pregnant bitch.


8 responses to “Rant

  1. Elisha says:

    I was brave and read on. 🙂 Hehehehe

  2. Elisha says:

    Ps… I hate the classic husband moves as well!!

  3. As an infertile Christian I understand what she is saying. You don’t believe, and that is FINE–for her though, a baby even though the process biological is a blessing that one should thank God for. As a non Christian though I can understand how you’d be put off and pissed too!

  4. A. says:

    Oh, tell it, girl! I (fellow atheist…or IF-disenchanted agnostic?) just CANNOT stand any implication that babies are somehow the result of God’s plan. I was at a family christening once and the minister said, “Children are gifts God gives to the righteous.” I was UNDONE by those words. And I could see how that post could feel like a slap in the face as you pursue adoption.

    And I saw the boob job video on another blog–hilarious and totally on-point! Your friend might be struggling with how to connect since it does require a bit of stepping outside the box and education (i.e. effort) to be sensitive, but it sounds like your friendship is important enough for you two to talk it out and for her to rise to the occasion.

  5. Oh, so then if God judiciously picks who will procreate, then why are children born to addicts, molesters, and murderers? That logic is foul. I’m Christian but I this appalling. XO

    • I get what you’re saying, it’s frustrating as a Christian to be able to have blind faith–but that is what it is, faith. The murderer or molester or addict may not be the one blessed, but the child is. Not to sway pro life of pro choice–but we attended a pro life banquet at a crisis pregnancy program shortly after our son was born–and while I’ve always been pro life it wasn’t until they said abortion murders generations did I “get it” Yes, the addict may be a waste but the child they create may be the one who discovers the cure for HIV, or cancer. It was 13 very long years for us to become parents–and i can honestly say, God knew what he was doing making us wait that long–though at the time I didn’t understand it, and now that we miscarried what would have been #2 I can’t say I understand it any more than I did then…but because of my blind faith I have to trust that his will is not always going to mesh with my own….

      • I have no idea what your point is. I don’t think you got MY point, which is that MY God does not give babies to Smug Christians and forsake worthy parents for not being Christian enough. As demonstrated by the number of children born to the “unholiest of the unholy”. That’s my point. Sorry you wasted your time trying to prove something to me.

  6. Fur Momma says:

    I feel ya and completely understand where you are coming from. The idea that we (the infertiles) are not pregnant because we do not believe or do not believe enough so God doesn’t see fit to bless us with children is infuriating and disgusting. To those that believe, a child is, of course, a blessing, but not one given to them as a reward for their faith. That idea is appalling. Comments like the one you read on fb and those that say “We are thankful God saw fit to bless us with a child,” are insulting and hurtful.

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