No Bun In This Oven

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Strange thoughts

Hello, long time no talk! I’ve been blogging over at www[dot]bringinghomebabyiwagoshi[dot]wordpress[dot]com but it’s a family friendly blog that we’ve shared with basically everyone we know so there are a lot of things I won’t talk about there. That’s why I’ve still kept this blog, which The Husband still doesn’t know about. As I always have to mention, if you comment on the adoption blog, please don’t mention this blog.

Anyway, we are working through the adoption process and have our intake interview scheduled in about a week. Pretty exciting stuff. I’ve noticed something really strange has happened. Not only have I totally stopped tracking ovulation or wondering if I’m pregnant, but I was actually worried that I was pregnant when my period was a couple days late. This is so irrational and weird. The Husband and I had decided that we wouldn’t prevent pregnancy until we actually get picked by a birth mother, since at that point we’ll be committed to this person and want to follow through. But these were the thoughts I was having as I realized nothing was going on downstairs:

1. If I get pregnant now, everyone will say “see, you stopped trying and it finally happened” and that would be embarrassing and perpetuating that lame stereotype.
2. I am actually really excited about adopting and want to do it. I would be disappointed if we don’t.
3. We’ve already spent over $1,000 on adoption stuff and I don’t want all that to go to waste

I was actually hoping to get my period. How fucked up is that?! I know you all want to punch me in my face right now, and I don’t blame you. Don’t worry, I did get my period, I’m not pregnant. I’m not going to be some jerk saying “I know I tried for like two years but now I want to adopt, wahhhh.”

On the plus side, I know that I really am excited about adoption. This really is what I want. I shit you not friends, I am SO EXCITED to be a mom by adoption. I am so excited about OPEN adoption and having a relationship with the birth parents of my child. The Husband is excited too. He is from a very small family and all his extended family lives in Colorado so he grew up with just him, his mom and parents on holidays. He thinks about us having big birthday and holiday celebrations with all our child’s birth family and he is excited to have that big extended family he never experienced.

I’m not delusional though, and I know the desire to experience pregnancy and have a bio kid will never go away. Right now there is so much going on that those thoughts get pushed aside and it’s easy to think I’m “cured” of the pain of my infertility. I know once we’re in the waiting pool and the newness wears off it will creep back in. But right now I am just feeling fucking fabulous and ready for the future. I will enjoy it while it lasts!

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