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An Open Letter to the Girl I Hate

Hi ICLW friends. To get you up to speed, The Husband and I have been TTC for 18 months now. We’ve had 3 failed IUI’s and are talking with the doctor next week about next steps. It will be either IVF, embryo adoption or adoption for us.

Dear A,

I hate you. I know, you had no idea, right?! I’m perfectly nice to you and we even had a fun little conversation about K’s bachelorette party and whether we’re each going. But truthfully, I don’t think I will go if you’re going. I don’t think I can spend an entire night pretending I don’t hate you. There’s just not enough alcohol to make spending all that time with you bearable.

It started this summer when you got the promotion over me. They picked someone who had worked there for less than 6 months and had done nothing to set herself apart as a leader over me, who had been there for two years and worked my way up. It was hard to take. But I knew I had to get over it, so I tried to like you. I tried not to be driven crazy by how you talk quietly about things that aren’t private so I have to lean in, or how you’re getting engaged to a guy you’ve been dating for 3 months (which is stupid and insane). I was trying really hard to fight against my distaste for you. You’re a perfectly nice person! Why can’t I like you?!

And then, you got married to the guy you’d been dating for 5 minutes. And then you immediately got pregnant. And then you gave notice that you’re quitting to be a stay at home mom to your three year old and 5 week old fetus. You even came over to personally tell me that you’re pregnant, which was super nice of you. I did my absolute best “happy surprise” face, and then by the grace of god my dear sweet coworker saved me by asking you a bunch of questions about it. I was able to slip away and simmer in my newly refreshed hatred for you.

I can’t deny it anymore. I hate you. Every time I see you, every time I talk to you, I am reminded of all my failures. I didn’t get picked for the job, I can’t have a baby. You’re everything I want and everything I can’t have. And I fucking hate your stupid face and your low talking voice, and how goddamn sweet you are. I can’t wait until your last day when you walk out forever and stop rubbing it all in my face. Whether the person that replaces you is me or someone else, I can’t wait for you to be gone. I’m counting down the days.

When I got the invitation to K’s bachelorette party, and I saw that you were invited, I knew I couldn’t go. What if I get stuck next to you at dinner and you just go on and on about your pregnancy. It makes me sick to think about it. I know that you don’t know I’m infertile, and it’s not your fault you’re pregnant. But I just don’t know if I can do it. Do I tell you that I’m infertile and hope that shuts you up? You asked if I was going and I said I wasn’t sure. You told me you (and the other pregnant girl who’s going, though I don’t hate her) would go back to the hotel when we go dancing and to the male strip show. But you’d still be there. At cocktail hour. At dinner. At the burlesque show. Repeatedly talking about how you’re not drinking because of your baby. I think about my infertility constantly, and you have the power to make those thoughts nonstop.

I’m sorry I hate you. I know that you’re a very nice person and haven’t done anything wrong. I know that my hating you has everything to do with me and my pain and insecurities, and nothing to do with who you are or what you’ve done. But that doesn’t change it. I alone have given this power to you, and I alone can take it away. Thankfully you’re leaving and I won’t have to force it anymore. But even after you’re gone, part of me will always hate you. And you will never know.

Sorry bout that.




I made this today, and I think it needs to be put on a T shirt. Someone make that happen!



12 dpIUI

Just had one of those moments where I go “it’s 12 days past the IUI and I’m not spotting. Hmmmm, maybe there’s a chance!”

Then I go look at my Fertility Friend calendars from the last couple months and realize I haven’t started spotting until 14 dpIUI on the other two, so this is nothing special.

I’m out of town so I haven’t tested. I think if I had more hope I would have brought at least one HPT, but I don’t even feel the need to test really (At this moment, but you know how quickly the urge can strike). I’m just devouring my adoption book and waiting for the inevitable.

Spent last evening with my friend and her three month old. Spent hours discussing parenting and infertility, drinking wine. She told me that our friend, the one who back on thanksgiving essentially told me I shouldn’t feel sad I’m infertile because I have like ten child bearing years left and shouldn’t even be worrying about kids, admitted to her that though she apologized the next day, she thinks I’m ridiculous and doesn’t understand why I can’t “get over it.” Though I have texted this friend a few times since then, she has never asked and I have never offered anything to do with our struggle. I almost can’t wait until I see her in person again so she will ask how things are going and I can just shut her down. Either completely ignore her questions, or say “given your callous insensitivity in the past, I really don’t want to discuss this with you.” She would probably just think I’m a bitch and it would affect our friendship, but I really don’t care. She can suck a dick (which would be ironic because she’s gay).



I am a huge fan of the show “Friends.” Huge may actually be an understatement. I’m that person who in almost every situation will say “This makes me think of that episode of Friends where…”

SPOILER ALERT: If you somehow have been living under a rock and never watched Friends, but realize the error in your ways and plan to start watching, stop reading now. I will be giving away major plot points.

For Christmas The Husband got me the complete series of Friends on Blu Ray, and I started watching it from the pilot immediately. I just started season 9, which is the one that starts with Ross & Rachel’s baby being born, while at the same time Monica and Chandler decide to start trying to get pregnant. I know from seeing the show many years ago that Monica & Chandler end up not being able to have children, and ultimately adopt twins via domestic adoption. I think it turned out to be male factor, but at the time that wasn’t relevant to me so I am not 100% sure.

It’s really hard now to watch these episodes where they’re trying to have sex as many times as possible during the fertile window, she’s pretending not to be mad at him so they can try. It’s really funny, and accurate! (as opposed to earlier seasons when Phoebe gets a BFP the same day as egg transfer when she is a surrogate for her brother). I just feel so sad knowing that all their trying is for naught. That they will end up seeing a doctor when nothing is happening and finding out pregnancy isn’t in the cards for them. Of course there’s a happy ending and they end up parents to not one but two beautiful babies. I just think if I could go back and see myself a year and a half ago and all the hope and excitement I had, and the total lack of any worry that this wouldn’t work, it would break my heart. It’s like watching Titanic where you know in the end the boat will sink; impending disaster.

I am, however, happy that a hugely popular show chose to address infertility, and that they didn’t miraculously get pregnant as soon as they stopped trying, or after they adopted.

Today I am 7dpIUI and 8 days past trigger. I forgot to take the HPT with FMU today and took it with SMU. There was still a super faint, squinter style, positive. So far I don’t really have any feelings one way or the other, but I know as soon as I test the trigger out I will start obsessing. This might be our last IUI. It might be our last fertility treatment. It’s all so up in the air.

I haven’t been talking much lately with my best friend that has the baby. It didn’t feel awkward necessarily, but definitely like we just have nothing to say to each other because her life is consumed by baby and my life is consumed by lack of baby. Obviously there are other facets of our lives we could talk about, but we just haven’t. So on Friday I texted her “how’s it goin?” She immediately offered that she is getting really frustrated with the baby and having a hard time lately. We talked a bit about that, I decided to go visit my hometown to spend some time with her this weekend. But I felt like I needed to say something to let her know that it’s okay for her to talk to me about how hard it is parenting a baby. I could just tell by how quickly she started spilling when I reached out that she needed to talk to someone, but obviously she wasn’t comfortable putting all that on me. Lucky for me, she has a brain and understands that it could be hard for me to hear about her parenting woes. Good friend right there.

I said something to the effect of “I don’t know if you feel bad or weird telling me when you’re struggling or need support, but I don’t want you to feel that way. I know being a mom is hard and you can talk to me. If you are telling me how blissfully happy you are with the baby, that would be hurtful. But unless you said “I hate this baby, I wish I never had it” I can handle it. If you said that, I would say fuck you”

She said thanks and that she does worry that if she tells me how hard it is I will think “well at least you have a baby” which would be understandable. And I said that there are times when people say things that make me feel that way, but that there is a distinct difference between complaining and sharing her frustrations, and that she can keep her complaining to herself. It was a good conversation. Of course, I’m sure that on my bad days what she says might make me upset or hurt, but overall, I want her to feel like she can come to me. Like I said, she’s not stupid and will hopefully know where to draw the line. I just don’t want to lose the friendship to my infertility. And she also supports me completely, whatever path we take to address the infertility, so it’s only fair that I am there for her.

Don’t worry, I’ll totes let y’all know when she does say something completely insensitive and offends me to my core. Seems unavoidable, eh? Such is [infertile] life.


Good News/Bad News

Good News is that there is a management position open in my department. I applied for this position over the summer and almost got it, but was beat out by a girl who had more management experience. Well now that girl is quitting just 8 months after taking the job (bet you wish you’d picked me now, huh!) so it’s available once again. Unfortunately, since that time someone else who has a lot of management experience has come to the department and he will also he applying, which decreases my odds. but that’s not the bad news.

The bad news is why she’s quitting. When she took the job, she had a three year old from a previous marriage and had been dating a guy for a few months. Then she decided to go ahead and marry that guy about 7 months after getting together, in September. Crazy, but hey whatever floats your boat. Well now, not quite two months after she got married, she’s pregnant. So she is quitting in order to be a SAHM to her two kids. Fertile. Mother. Fucker. If it weren’t for the fact that this creates a career opportunity for me I would literally hate her.

My third IUI went very similarly to the last one. The nurse this time also did a fine job not making my uterus cramp up like crazy, unlike  nurse #1 who i now believe may have shoved the catheter into my uterus and then swirled it around. And bonus – she wasn’t extremely pregnant like nurse #2. So I suppose you’d say she was my favorite. The results of the SA (okay they don’t really call it an SA when it’s for the IUI but whatevs) was on the decline from the last one. When The Husband first had an SA back in May, his numbers were out of the park. Above average in every category except morphology, which was just average. Our clinic measures volume, motility, concentration,morphology, percent rapid & linear, and total sperm count. They don’t do morphology on the IUI analysis, but they still look at all the others. If you recall from IUI #2, the rapid and linear count was 0%. This time, it was 0% again. Also, motility was only about 30%, and what they want to see is 50%. On his first couple it was about 70%. The nurse tried to be very reassuring. She said that they only measure rapid & linear because they can, and they don’t even have a good understanding of how it affects success. She also said that it could just be that the part of the sample they looked at had none, but there were some in the rest. And she said that she’s seen IUIs where the SA numbers were terrible and still resulted in a pregnancy, and others where the numbers were amazing and it didn’t work. You just never know.

Right now I really have no feelings about this cycle. I’m having a really hard time having any hope. The Husband said he has hope for us both, so I will leave that to him. One thing I know for sure is that no matter how little hope you have for your cycle, you will start obsessing around 10DPO. I did get a bunch more wondfos so I can test the trigger out. Took one yesterday and it was a clear positive. I also actually thought to ask what brand the trigger was this time and they said it was called Pregnyl. I am planning to test every other day until it’s gone.

Have hope for me, kay? Thanks!


Why I Want To Be A Parent

I had my third, and likely last, IUI this morning. But I don’t want to talk about today. It went okay, it’s just not what’s got me thinking at the moment.

I just started reading a book called “Adoption: sound choices, strong families” by Patricia something…I’m blogging from my phone and too lazy to link for you. Google it. In the beginning, it’s talking about how to know if adoption is right for you. It basically says your most overarching desire has to be just being a parent, not being pregnant or carrying on your bloodline or seeing your partner in your child. Because of all the things you lose to infertility; lineage, pregnancy and birth, being a parent; the being a parent part is the only one adoption can fix. So if you need and want more than anything to see your families genes live on, this may not be a good fit.

A very valid point, and one I’ve considered. I already came to the conclusion that I just want to be a parent and while I want the other things too, they’re secondary. But this morning I was thinking about why I want to be a mom.

People want and expect all kinds of different things from the parenting experience. Some are selfish, some are silly, some are honorable. Some people have never felt loved and needed and want a child to give them that. Some people had a horrible childhood and want a chance to do something different. I have some friends, a couple, who both have/had bad relationships with distant fathers who were never there for them. Now they have a baby and it’s an opportunity to give this child what they never had; two loving parents who will always be there for her. That’s big.

I think what makes me want to be a parent is the relationship I have with my own parents. Far from being perfect, they have both struggled with addiction and overcome it, fought for their marriage, and still see themselves as works in progress. My parents have always been real people to me, with faults and problems of their own. They never claimed there was one correct way to live your life. They encouraged taking risks and thinking for yourself, and I always knew they’d be there for me no matter what. As an adult, they are both friends and confidantes to me and I can talk to them about anything. I feel like the way my parents raised me and relate to me is such a huge gift. Who I am and my confidence in myself and my independence are a result of them.

When I picture being a mom I think about the baby and toddler years, to be sure, but I think so much about my kids as Tweens and teens and young adults. I think about how I will make myself as available and accepting as my parents were/are to me. What I want more than anything is to give that gift to my child.

I know I’ll get the chance. I just don’t know the when or how.

Those are just the thoughts in my head today.





Cassie at Infertile Girl in a Fertile World nominated me for a Liebster Award! How cool is that! Yay for talking about things other than your broken uterus! Here are answers to the questions she chose:

Have you always lived in the place you are currently living, if not, what took you to where you are now?

I grew up about 2.5 hours North of where I live now. My parents and a couple close friends still live there and I visit pretty often. When The Husband and I started dating, I lived in my home town and he lived in another city about 2 hours south. After we’d been dating about 4 months I moved an hour further south with a friend, so we were only an hour apart. This was the status quo for a year, and then I convinced him that I should move to his city and live with him (no easy task). We lived in that city, which I hated, for a year before moving 45 minutes away to our current location, which reminds me a lot of my home town. In summary, I followed him south and then we moved together even further south!

What’s the best meal you’ve ever eaten?

This is hard to say, but whatever it was I’m sure it was some kind of Thai food. I’m obsessed with Thai food and could eat it every day. I worked at a Thai restaurant for over a year and still never got sick of it!

What ability or skill do you wish you had (I’m not talking super powers here…)?

I really want to learn to play the piano (I finally contacted a place about lessons today!) and I really hope to become proficient. I’ve never really had a special skill. Like when someone says “what do you do for fun?” I’m like “uh,…..sleep”

What was your favorite subject in school?

I always really loved English, but my two favorite classes were drama and yearbook staff. Don’t laugh! It was totally un-dorky at my school to be in plays and on the yearbook staff. Some of my favorite memories of school are staying late to work on those things.

What is your favorite movie of all time (or two, I’ll allow that because mine is a tie)?

Dirty Dancing. I’ve seen it so many times I can quote mostly the whole thing. That dance scene in Johnny’s cabin while they listen to “feel like cryin”? Damn!

In everyday life, what is your biggest pet peeve?

When girls wear little dresses and sandals when it’s freaking freezing outside. You don’t look cute! You look like an idiot! Put some damn pants on!

What is the #1 most played song on your iPod?

As of late probably “Stop for me” which is kind of my infertility jam. But the most listened to song of all time would be “Transatlanticism” by Deathcab for Cutie. It was the first dance at our wedding, and it’s just such a beautiful song.

If you could be any fictional character, who would you be?

My first though was Agent Scully from the XFiles. I am fully obsessed with the XFiles. If I think about it logically, the woman had her sister murdered, her child died, the other one she had to give up to keep safe, she was abducted by aliens and the love of her life died right before she found out she was pregnant. Sounds crappy, but she’s so badass I can’t resist.

What is your favorite book?

“She’s Come Undone” by Wally Lamb. I have read it probably at least 3 or 4 times. I highly recommend it.

What did you want to be when you grew up?

My first career aspiration was to be a Forensic Pathologist. I used to watch those crime shows where they used evidence in the lab to solve crimes and I thought it looked so cool. Then I found out Forensic Pathologists have to do autopsies and I changed my mind.


My Nominations!!

Katie at Birds, Bees and Medicine

Jenn at Dogs Aren’t kids

Megs at Work is For Suckers

How to play

If you choose to participate (why wouldn’t you? It’s awesome), no pressure, here are the rules to “accept” it.

  1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.
  2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”.

  3. Answer the questions that I give you below.

  • What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
  • When you really want to treat/reward yourself, what do you do?
  • What is your favorite quality about your partner?
  • What is your favorite quality about yourself?
  • Which character from the show “Friends” do you identify most with and why?
  • What is your favorite curse word/curse phrase?
  • What song would you want played at your funeral?
  • How old were you when you had your first kiss? (with details)
  • What is your greatest fear? (besides those related to IF?)
  • What foreign language would you like to learn most?
  1. Nominate as many blogs that you feel deserve the award.

  2. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers you have nominated to answer.

  3. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here)

Once you have accepted your MAJOR award by writing and publishing your “acceptance” speech, you then should inform the people/blogs that you have nominated them for the Liebster Award.  Also, you might want to provide a link for them back to this post or your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)




Information Overload

I’ve got so much goin on in this brain, chicks. Considerations about our next step in infertility treatments, my job. Okay that’s just two things but they feel like a lot in my head.

The Husband continues to amaze me with how he’s stepping up lately and being really involved in this process. He is reading a book called “how to make love to a paper cup” and apparently had no problem taking it to work and reading it openly at his desk. This led to some curiosity from his coworkers, and he shared that we’re struggling with infertility and considering our options. One of them mentioned that a guy who works for the same company but at another location has two kids that are adopted and that The Husband should talk to him about it. He emailed him and they arranged to get coffee Saturday morning.

I did not attend this meet up, but the lowdown was that this guy and his wife had a miscarriage (maybe multiple) and adopted because they couldn’t take the heartbreak of more losses. They conceived naturally a couple years later and had a bio child. Then they adopted again in 2010. Both their adoptions are international. He also gave us the email address of another couple they know who had a child adopted domestically, and suggested we reach out (I emailed but haven’t heard back yet).

That night we had another conversation about where to go from here. He said that after talking with the coworker, he is leaning more towards adoption again. Jeff (the coworker) volunteered that the way he feels about his adopted kids and his bio kids is not different; he loves them exactly the same. I think this was good for the husband to hear. Right now we are just waiting for IUI #3 (which will be on Feb 5th) and then we have a follow up appointment on February 26 to talk about what to try next. This is assuming the IUI doesn’t work. I know that it’s horrible, but I really feel it won’t work and I feel like I’m just doing it as a matter of course. Like we have to do 3 IUIs before we know we need to move forward. I have been drinking wine daily (a glass or two) and not really worrying about doing things perfectly. I just can’t bring myself to restrict and worry and think I have any control over it, because I don’t. I am still taking clomid, I have my appointment set up for monitoring and trigger shot. I’ve made all the arrangements, I’m just not invested.

The plan right now is to meet with the RE and talk about IVF; the cost, the success rates, shared risk plans. Just gather info. Then we will visit an agency that does domestic adoptions, and an agency that does international, and also gather information from both of those. Then we have to decide. I had sort of already decided on domestic adoption previously, mostly because children available internationally are usually older than a year. But now I’m just trying to be really open to all possibilities and look at each with new eyes. I have to say, though, that every time I look at international adoption I just feel so overwhelmed. I still think domestic adoption is what I will choose (who knows what The Husband will feel drawn to) but we’ll see. So that’s got my head spinning.

Then I find out today that a supervisor in my department may be giving notice soon, which means the position would be available. I was thisclose to getting it last time, and I don’t want to pass up the opportunity. But if we are going to do IVF, I know it would be a really bad idea to take on this new position and all the stress. I feel like it would be a disaster waiting to happen. So now I feel like I need to decide really quickly what path we’re going to take so I know if i should apply or not. TOO MUCH STUFF.

Okay now just me and the wine. My best friend.



Cycle #17, which means next month will be a year and a half. That feels significant; somehow every 6 months feels like some kind of marker. It’s a sad marker, because I’m still here not pregnant, and not any closer to being so. And it’s a “legitimately IF” marker too.

I’m sure a lot of you can relate to this, but when I first started to realize something was wrong I had a really hard time getting anyone to believe me. It was after only about 6 months, and I just had this feeling. Obviously, 6 months trying to conceive is hard for anyone. But it doesn’t mean you’re infertile. I understood that then and I understand it now, but that didn’t change how I felt at the time. After I had started temping and confirmed by theory that my luteal phase is too short, I knew for sure. 8 months in I felt like I was broken and just waiting until anyone would believe me, until I could get help. I was going crazy. My mom would tell me I just needed to give it time, everyone else was telling me to relax. Now I want to scream




As sad as I am to still be here, no one can ever try to tell me that I was just impatient, that I was always okay and it just took awhile. I don’t want to be broken, but if I am, goddammit I want people to acknowledge it and not claim I’m fine. The only thing worse than being infertile, is being infertile while well-meaning people try to tell you you’re not. So I am finding the silver lining in this 17th cycle, in that I am REALLY infertile, thank you very fucking much. Don’t tell me what I am and am not.

When I called my nurse at the clinic to let her know when I was CD 1 and talk about the plan, her voice mail said she was on “extended leave.” If I hadn’t had her do my last IUI and seen that she was pregnant, I wouldn’t have realized that she is on maternity leave. I facebook stalked her and saw that she had a baby girl on January 20 and named her Alexandria. Bitch.

I’m CD 3 today and starting Clomid. I haven’t had any symptoms with Clomid since the very first cycle I took it. It’s weird how some people get horrible side effects every time with meds and others get none. I hope this means that if we do IVF I won’t have as many mood swings and hot flashes from all the injectables, but that wouldn’t really be fair now would it?

Speaking of IVF, I actually looked a little bit at our clinic’s shared risk programs to see what our options will be. I don’t have any fantasies that we would get pregnant on the first try, so I am only willing to look into it if we can afford at least 3 cycles of IVF AND still adopt if they don’t work. My clinic uses the Attain program for IVF, and has two plans. One is open to anyone who is using their own eggs and you don’t have to pass any tests or meet certain criteria. You get four cycles, two fresh and two FETs. The other is a refund program, which you have to qualify for. Since I respond to clomid and our fertility is otherwise unexplained, I see no reason why we wouldn’t qualify. my understanding is usually people who don’t qualify either have really severe male issues, really bad endo or are poor responders. With the refund program you get 6 cycles, three fresh and 3 FETs, and if you don’t get pregnant you can get a refund of up to 70%. Of course they don’t list prices on their site, but I think they are about 25-30k which doesn’t include meds.

For anyone not familiar with shared risk programs, this is how I explained it to The Husband. We pay, upfront, the equivalent of about 3 cycles. We are taking the risk that we get pregnant on the first or second cycle, and paid more than we would have if we had paid for each cycle individually. We risk that our baby will cost more than it could have. The clinic is taking the risk that we don’t get pregnant within 2-3 cycles and they lose money because they have to give us more treatment than we paid for. And in the case of the refund program, they risk that they will actually have to give us our money back if it doesn’t work. Not that they need more motivation, but this does motivate the clinic to want to get you pregnant fast!

After this cycle, if it’s another BFN, we are taking a break on cycle #18 and meeting with the RE to talk about what to do next. I already know she is going to suggest IVF, so we just need to talk about what she thinks our chances are of it working how much it will cost. I have no idea whether she would suggest assisted hatching or ICSI. That’s really why the first cycle doesn’t usually work, right? They have to see how things go, if you need AH or ICSI. Maybe it turns out we aren’t getting pregnant because the swimmers and get into the egg. Who knows. Once we know how much it will cost, we can start to look at how we could pay for this. My thought is to take a second mortgage out on our house, but I have no clue how much equity we have. We only bought it a couple years ago and owe about 10k less than what we paid for it. Home values have gone up since then, but I don’t know how much. Borrowing money from The Husband’s parents could be an option, but we already borrowed money from them when we bought the house that we haven’t even started repaying yet. I don’t like the idea of owing them more. I’m already worried about how we will ever pay them back now that we are looking at paying for IVF, adoption, or both.

But I’ll worry about that another day.



A poem for ICLW

Waiting, watching, wishing
The days to by and
My arms as empty as ever

Never will I know the weight
Of a sleeping soul on my chest
That is part me and part him

Faking smiles and playing strong
Never letting anyone feel
Awkward or pity or worse

Saying something comforting
That is anything but
Everything happens for a reason

A cry, a kiss, a cuddle
A test, a tear, I break
I would trade my sleep for that

I may never know your love and
You will never know my pain
But the grass will always be greener

One difference we both know is true
That you wouldn’t give it up for anything
So I don’t give up