Time After Time

Today I woke up 13dpIUI and decided I should test. I didn’t have enough HPTs to test out the trigger, but when I did take one at 7dpIUI it was only very faintly positive. I laid in bed and googled how long it should take to be out, and most things said it should be totally gone by 10 days past. I thought about what I would do if it were positive. Assume it was false and test again in a couple days like I was supposed to. Unless it was a dark positive, because that would have to mean the amount of HgC had increased, and that it was really positive. What would I do if it’s negative? Keep taking progesterone and test again in a couple days like I was supposed to. I figured what would really happen is that I would check CM before peeing in the cup and there would be a tint of pink or red. Then I could just save the test. Okay, I had a plan.

I went in the bathroom and checked my CM. White, very white. No hint of spotting. So I peed in the cup, dipped the cheapie and set the timer. I saved the cup of pee in case it were positive and I wanted to take a digi. Gotta plan ahead in case hell freezes over, ya know? I put part of the wrapper over the results area so I couldn’t peek. Then I brushed my teeth and otherwise busied myself. I thought about the lack of rapid and linear sperm for the IUI. I thought about how sick I was at 6dpIUI (I ended up with a fever of 102 and out of work for two days) and how that could mean that my immune system were lowered and allowing implantation, or it could mean that my body attacked and burned up anything growing. And when the timer was up, I looked. And it was stark white. And in spite of myself and all the preparing and realistic thinking, I was very sad. There will be no October baby, I will not be a mom before I’m 30, once again my body failed to do what it’s supposed to. Again just like it did before, but somehow it doesn’t hurt less.

After I told The Husband, he hugged me and said he was sorry and we kind of thought that would be the case, and then he made me pumpkin pancakes before he went to work. I moped for a while, then got ready and went to a friends house to get lunch and help her pick out a wedding dress. In college, she lived in a house with 4 other girls. Three of them got married in 2013, and she and the other are both engaged. The one who got married in September got pregnant immediately and my friend broke the news as gently as she could after 12 weeks. Today at lunch, she told me that one of the other girls who got married in July is also pregnant. And the other who was engaged is ALSO pregnant…with twins. She said she has known for a while but there was never a good time to tell me. I guess the day I find out my second IUI failed is as good as any…Since this friend is getting married this July and I am her maid of honor, I will probably see all these girls and their babies. If not for that, she may just not have told me at all. She said how when they kept telling her one after the other that they were pregnant, she thought of me and how unfair it is, how easy it is for everyone else. And that out of everyone she knows, we are the most prepared to be parents. We waited until we were financially stable, saved up, got a family friendly car, it just makes no sense. Talk about preaching to the choir. She did  find her dress, and she looked amazing.

This weekend I went to my hometown for one of my good friend’s son’s first birthday party. On Saturday night The Husband and I watched my best friend’s two month old so she and her husband could have their first date night since the baby was born. The Husband even drove them to the restaurant and picked them up so they could both have some drinks. The baby tends to be fussy in the evenings, which i knew, so we spent much of the time walking and bouncing her. The husband gave her a bottle and I changed her diaper and got her jammies on. It was fun and felt good, like it should belong to us. But it didn’t feel sad. And on Sunday, when I helped frost cupcakes and make deviled eggs and set up the birthday party. When I watched my friends with their little ones and held the baby, I didn’t feel anything. The friends of mine who are also TTC with IUI were there, and when one wife was holding the baby, the other wife had so much pain in her face, seeing her partner holding that baby and wanting that for them so bad. they have had 3 failed IUIs so far. She asked me a while ago how I can do this, how I have been doing this month after month for over a year. she has only tried three times and has been beyond devastated. I told her that part of it is that after this long you aren’t really surprised when it doesn’t work, and also that I think I have become desensitized to it. Even today when I am very sad, I haven’t cried. I almost feel nothing.

I worry that I am becoming depressed. But I don’t notice any other signs besides this nothingness in my emotions surrounding infertility. Where I used to cry every month when I knew the cycle had failed, now I only cry at random times, maybe once every other month. I feel like I’ve put up a wall to it. How many times can you cry over the same thing? They say that the hardest part about infertility is that it’s a loss over and over, like losing a loved one every month. Sometimes I think my subconscious has already mourned the loss and is moving on even before I’ve stopped treatment. But if that’s true, why do I still have the capacity to be so disappointed? Why do I still want it so much if I don’t believe it’s possible?

I do know that after I left my friend’s house I could smell that baby on my hands. And that even if I can watch The Husband hold a baby without feeling that pang of longing, even if I can go to birthday parties and baby showers and compartmentalize others’ happy times as having nothing to do with my own despair, even if I can sit and hear about three women who have become pregnant without hardly trying just in the time I’ve been on clomid and laugh at the absurdity of it. Even if all of that is true, it’s also true that I am dying inside a little bit. That when I went to Target to pick up tampons, prenatal vitamins and wine, I felt like I was just a floating image of a woman trying to hold it together. Most of the time I feel fine and and am afraid it’s because I am about to break. I think how well I hold it together may actually be a bad sign.

Do you ever feel like screaming in a room full of people? Let’s say I feel like doing that a lot lately.

Over and Out

Happy Thanksgiving y’all. What do I have to be thankful for? Lots, to be sure. A wonderful husband who is doing a mostly good job of supporting me emotionally through this. Amazing parents who I can tell anything, who understand me. A job I love, a roof over my head. I know I am very lucky.

But I also know I am infertile, and that blows. And that I got my period today, and that means my IUI didn’t work. And that one of my best friends said something really shitty to me. So I am thankful, but I’m also sad.

The friend in question I have known since I was 4. She lives a few hours away and I only see her a couple times a year, though I did go visit her last month. She is on this big self help kick and has said things to me before about the power of positive thinking. This didn’t really bother me because I know she’s trying to be helpful and really not trying so say that I would get pregnant if I had a more positive attitude, so I just ignore it. Today, she noticed that my Facebook was inactive and asked why. I let her know that I needed a break because all the babies and pregnancies were just making me sad. A couple texts later she said this:

“Yeah. But girl, you just gotta remember, you are only 29. 29! You are soooo young and have so much time to “start” a family. You have at least 8-10 years. 8 years ago you were 21 and getting wasted and dating that silly boy and look how much things have changed. There is only a self-perceived sense of urgency with this. And when you are 70, looking back on your life and family and your kids, you won’t even remember this one or two years of being sad. Positive thoughts. ”

Um…I’m sorry, did you REALLY just tell me that I shouldn’t be upset that I’m infertile because I’m only 29, AND THEN have the audacity to say that this horrible, stressful, painful time in my life won’t matter later? AND THEN tell me I needed to think positive? What I wanted to say was FUCK YOU” but what I really said was this:

“That’s really easy for you to say. You really don’t know how this feels. I understand I have time, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. ”

Then, instead of apologizing for being a total dick, she said that she does know what it’s like to not be able to have what other people can, because she’s gay and can’t get married (she lives in Oregon where it’s not yet legal) and she and her partner could never have kids together. The thing is, she isn’t sure that she ever wants kids, and if she did have kids she would want to adopt. That’s always been her thing. And she doesn’t believe in marriage either!. So NO you don’t know how I feel. You don’t know what it’s like to want something so bad and not know if it will ever happen. Regardless of whether she knows how I feel, it was still incredibly rude. So after she asserted that she does know how I feel, I said this:

“You don’t want kids right now. I don’t think this conversation needs to continue, but for the record it does not comfort me to have someone tell me I shouldn’t feel the way I do and that it won’t matter later. I know you’re trying to be positive but it didn’t feel good. Love you. ”

Thankfully she ended it and just said Happy Thanksgiving, but obviously things are now awkward. I mean who the hell is she to tell me I shouldn’t feel this way? What the hell kind of friend is that? Thankfully, my other friend who I’m much closer to (just had the baby) was coming over for dinner so I showed her and she agreed that other friend was way out of line. And when I told her I deactivated my Facebook, she understood. Even though it’s her baby I’m avoiding at times. At least I’ve got her.

We are taking December off from meds and IUI’s and will do another in January. I am thinking about asking my RE about doing a trigger shot. So far we haven’t done it and I wonder if it helps success rates. Anyone know the benefits of using one?

Cycle 11, 14 DPO

I took a pregnancy test today. I planned on waiting until 16 dpo so it would be more accurate, but I pretty much felt that I was out and wanted to start feeling sorry for myself now, and needed some wine to do so properly.

I didn’t use FMU because I stayed in a hotel last night after a concert and my husband catching an early flight. When i got home at about 4:30 I decided just to take one so I could have some wine. Not that i have perfectly abstained during this TWW. More on that later.

Because of the Prometrium, I won’t get my period until I stop taking it so I have to take an HPT to know if I am pregnant. AF won’t come until I invite her (which is great, it means no surprises). I know that at 14 DPO and without using FMU (first morning urine) the accuracy isn’t great, but I did it anyway with a clearblue easy. Not pregnant.

At this point taking an HPT is very anti-climactic. I don’t get nervous or excited, I just know it’s going to be negative. I just know. why would it not be? It has been every other time. I wasn’t upset, or surprised. I popped the reisling, and here I am. I am going to take the Prometrium tonight and tomorrow (I take one twice a day) and test again on the morning of 16 DPO, then stop taking it, assuming it’s negative again.

I have been feeling really guilty about drinking. I don’t drink a lot, but maybe once a week. My RE (reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Klein) told me to ‘avoid alcohol’ but I will definitely be asking for some clarification about that in my follow up appointment on Friday. After I started to get really serious about TTC at about cycle 6, I avoided it like the plague and only allowed myself one bottle of wine when I got my period, to help in the wallowing. (I had also cut out caffeine, which wasn’t as hard). As time has gone on, I have been less restrictive. I just feel like my whole life revolves around TTC and little things like a cup of coffee or a glass of wine help me feel normal. Let’s also not mention the fact that I had to cut out soy (I a vegetarian so tofu was a regular visitor at our dinner table) at the advice of the acupuncturist I saw for 3 months) because soy mimics estrogen, which is the hormone i may have too much of that is overshadowing our friend progesterone.

So I admit, I have been having more wine and the once ever-other-weekly cup off coffee or caffeinated (gasp!) herbal tea. I don’t know how big of a deal this is, but when I get that BFN I can’t help but wonder if I sabotaged myself by having a couple beers at the concert. It’s so hard to live your life while not constantly living in fear that you’re ruining your chances. I plan on asking my RE about what ‘avoiding’ means. Honestly, if she tells me that I need to not drink a drop of alcohol or caffeine to get pregnant, I will. I just need my doctor, not the thousand opinions of the internet, to guide me.

I also have feelings about entering my 12th cycle. A year. That means clinically infertile, right? that means something is really wrong with me, no one can say “oh give it time” anymore, right? Part of me feels like being able to say “we’ve been trying for a year” will give me more credit and I won’t get the “oh don’t worry it’ll happen” spiel as much. Obviously I would much rather have been pregnant months ago, but there’s something to be said for having people actually believe you and not just think you are being a hypochondriac. My own mother still thinks that nothing is really wrong and we just need to “give it more time.” This from the woman who has been pregnant 6 times, two of them on purpose. Easy to say from where you’re sitting, ma.

I do wonder if people say that because they thing it’s comforting, assuring me nothing is wrong. On the contrary, it makes me feel like you think I am being dramatic and making mountains out of molehills. Please, acknowledge that something is wrong! I know it is, and I need you to agree so I don’t feel crazy! Maybe 12 months will get everyone on the same page?

Barring a miracle (I don’t have much faith in those at this point) I will get another BFN on Wednesday and start my period on Friday, and then it’s on to cycle 12 and my RE follow-up, and another month of hope and letdown. Let’s hope it’s the last.